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I'm a 17-year-old female high school senior. My dad passed away about 2 months ago and a couple weeks after it happened, I basically went into shut down mode. Nothing mattered to me, I didn't care about anything or anyone, I didn't want to talk to my friends, I didn't want to hang out with anyone, etc. I started getting really down the day after his funeral and it just went down hill from there.
I have a friend thats into coke and I tried it before (last summer I think) just to like try it so I was liek hell why not. I did it for a while, not that much though. Like, twice a week for 3 weeks.
I stopped becuase the last day I did it I was coughing up blood and my boyfriend told me to stop. Just to let you know, I'm not the typical coke girl. I was on my high school drill team since freshman year (quit this year), I've been a dancer ever since I can remember, I'm a staright A student (not since my dad...now I'm like a B-C student but I'm graduating in May so wahtever), people just don't see me as a girl that would do that.
Anyway, my boyfriend and I had a long talk about it and I'm never doing that again and I've started talking to him more about waht I'm feeling, blah blah blah. Only him though, I don't really talk to my friends that much anymore. I feel bad about that becayse now my boyfriend feels like he has to be around me 24/7 so I have someone there becuase he knows I've been distant with my friends.
For this past month I've been fine, sometimes I can't sleep at night, I'll cry myself to sleep, or I won't be able to sleep at night (only during the day). But my boyfriend again kind of fixed that. He stays on the phone with me til I fall asleep every night that he can't actually be there to spend with me.
But, a few days ago, he was getting on to me about my old bestfriend and how she's been trying to hang out with me. He went off on me saying that instead of spending time with people that actually care about me, I went off and did coke. That just got me into shut down mode again becuase I told him before that I regret doing that but the only reason I did it was because when I did it, I didn't have to think about my dad.
So I just still in shock that he said that to me because when I say that he's the only person I can talk to, I mean it. I told him before that if it wasn't for him, I'd feel completely alone. After he said what he said, I told him that I know feel alone.
Basically, I don't know what to do. I don't like feeling like this but then again I do because nothing really hurts me anymore.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
First off let me say how sorry I am to hear about your dad. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you, losing a parent so early in life.
Its good that you have a boyfriend who has been so supportive. Granted, he should not have spoken to you the way he did. Clearly that was a mistake on his part. However, that does not mean that he still isnt there for you. It does not change the fact that he cares for you very much.
What he probably had intended to do, was to get you out there socialising with your friend again. When you were doing coke he was probably very worried about you. He might even have been a little angry that you were risking your own well being. Its very likely that he still has some of those feelings bottled up inside him. A bit of that frustration must have slipped out in your conversation.
Now, I have not been through an experience like yours. However, one of my best friends lost his father when he was approximately your age. His family coped with the loss in very different ways. I can say two things from that incident. First of all, you will get over it. No matter how hopeless and meaningless the situation is, there will be a time when you will come to accept what has happened. You have to try to keep that in mind when things look totally dismal.
The other thing is that you need people. Your boyfriend has helped you so far, but its not altogether a bad idea to slowly let other people back into your life.
So, what I think you should do is to forgive your boyfriend's comment. Remember he cares about you, and that he is the same person who has been helping you. Have a talk with him if you think that might help. He might not realise how much that comment hurt you.
I cant say whether or not you should start to interact with other people. Clearly you need the space and time to deal with the grieving your own way. However, I do think that being alone can often make things harder than they should be. So, when you begin to feel able, I would suggest that you try to meet your old friends, talk to other family members, and so on. I think it might do you good in the long run.
Best of luck, I hope you will manage to get through this as well as possible.
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