|
i'm in love with my commitmentphobic ex
Greetings,
I had been dating an admitted commitmentphobe for a little over a year until she dumped me last Sat. night w/ the help of liquid courage (I only drank two beers). At the end of the night I promised her that I would remain in her life as a friend, then she kissed me and said that I am free.. I am going to give myself time to heal and call her in a few months. Right now I am obsessively entertaining the thought of getting back together w/ her someday. We started off as a couple, spent two months apart and then dated for nearly seven months. During this time we got along rather well. At first the relationship was sexual but then she pushed me away. Initially I felt rejected but remained loyal to her b/c my gut told me that she wanted to know that I loved her and not her body. Anyhow, we had minor conflicts... usually w/out raising our tonalities and I was content w/ our relationship. I identify as a realist and an idealist.
For the past few months she has been stressed out b/c of school and financial constraints. I've helped her by listening, offering validation and lending money, too. I really wanted the relationship to work and wasn't expecting her to break things off. The other night she told me that 1. i am too good for her (have heard this before), 2. she changed her mind about seeking counseling for her commitmentphboia, 3. that she likes a girl in her class (the girl is in a relationship) and 4. that she focuses on my major flaw- drinking. I was overwhelmed but told her that had already made the conscious decision to stop drinking in excess. I am a fully credentialed substitute teacher w/out many stressors...mainly went to the bar out of boredom. If I had known that this bothered her, I wouldn't have done so. Still she said that she doesn't want me to change for her.
She told me that she doesn't want me to wait for her and that she wants me to date other girls- she has said this before. I have told her in the past that I felt awkward asking other girls out when i love her- she didn't respond.
During the two months that we were apart I read two books on commitmentphobia. I lent them to her but she hasn't read either one.
I have a history of falling for girls who have been sexually abused and are bi-sexual. It turns out that she was molested by her step-father and claims to hate men. Her mom gives minimal love if any. The night she dumped me she went on to say that she doesn't love anybody-not even her son. In the past she has told me that she loves me but admitted to not always meaning it. Most of the time she sounded sincere. I am rather innocent, she said naive, but she seems loving- think that she has trouble loving herself, though. We have talked about this, also.
Now she wants to stay friends but isn't returning my calls. I too need time alone to heal but don't want to give up. Do you think that she really wants me to? I am having obsessive thoughts about getting back together someday and want to know what you think.
Thank you,
Best,
DD
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
This was mostly about her, and your focus is too much on her. I want you to think about why you are attracted to and attract the type of person you do. We all get what we seek, and it is no accident. Read the book, Getting the Love You Want, by Dr. Harville Hendrix. It will give you better insights than I can, and help you understand yourself better. You need to take this girl at her word and not hang on to wishful thinking. You cannot will her to come back to you and staying in this unhealthy mode will not attract anyone healthy in the future and you will be in the same situation over and over again. You sound very intense and this can scare people away, even if they enjoyed the intensity at first. People look for others to fill voids, and this is a human need that is not always healthy. Focus on yourself only, something you have been avoiding by focusing on her....let me know what you think after reading the book.
]
More Questions: |