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distressed daughter
I sent this letter to my momo 3 weeks ago with no reply yet. Should I do anything else? The letter is very long, please have patience I took the oppurtunity to write down all of their concerns.
All advice I recieve will be gratefully accepted
Dear Mom:
I’m writing this letter instead of talking to you face to face. I can’t begin to tell you how incredibly angry and hurt I am. When this first happened, I cried for 2 days straight. This whole table situation has been very enlightening to say the least. You see I’m not the kind of person who if told that the sky is clear, doesn't go out and check for myself. You completely and purposefully lied about the whole thing from day1. When you first told me that you had "given it away" you failed to tell me that you " gave it away to someone who was taking it to a thrift shop". Had I known that it had gone to a thrift shop instead of a person, I would have had a chance to recover it. When you were finally honest about it, it was because I pushed to get an answer. You continued to tell me how you were cleaning out the garage, and didn’t want it in there cluttering it up. When I said that it had sentimental value to me, you said in a completely rude manner " Well, it didn’t to me". Imagine my surprise when I spoke to Shannon Williams down at the Thrift Shop and she told me it wasn’t in the garage but rather on the side of the house and clearly had been there for quite some time. And if it couldn’t get any worse, she told me they found a package of papers that were in there and when they removed it, the picture came up with it and she had put it in the envelope and given it to Donna Mae to return to you. I distinctly recall when I asked you if you had at least taken the picture out, you said it was stuck to the table and could not be removed. According to Shannon the picture had already been removed and returned to you at the time I asked you. You more than likely tossed it and didn’t want to own up to it. If you didn’t think you had done anything wrong, you wouldn’t have lied about it. You clearly have no respect for my feelings. I can’t begin to tell you how absolutely hurt I was when it became clear that you have such disregard for me and my feelings. You still treat me the same way you did when I was growing up.
So, as such, I’m going to take this opportunity to make you aware of prior instances that occured during my childhood and teenage years which have left me emotionally scarred and for which I hold you responsible. Yes, Dad lived there too, but he and I talked over and worked out my long held concerns before his passing. The main thing for which I held him responsible was his knowledge of your deficiencies as a mother and his failure to intervene.
What do you think it does to a child to hear from one of her parents that their other parent is sleeping with every female on the block? This started with Kathy Collier when I was approximately 8 or 9 years old. I may have been younger but as soon as I knew what it was that you were talking about is when I became aware. These accusations continued through out my life while I was living in that house and, obviously, continue to this day. It reached an all time high when you got it in your head that Dad was sleeping with Maria. It all started with a phone call from you, saying that they were having an affair. Wanting to be fair, although I knew it was absolutely ridiculous, I called Dad over here on the pretense that something needed to be fixed. When I asked him point blank, his initial reaction was "Parents don’t discuss their problems with their children". When I pushed and prodded, I finally got him to talk to me. He was completely shocked that you actually believed such a thing. He said he had always been faithful to you and I believed him and still believe him especially with the events that followed. I thought you were just having " one of your moments". I was completely unprepared when I received phone calls from you and you made accusations of Maria walking into your bedroom from the front porch and saying " She wanted Ralph". In my 42 years, I have never known that sliding glass door in your bedroom to be opened or unblocked so people could walk in and out.
Do you remember your call to me where you said you heard giggling in my bedroom and women’s voices, but when you went to see what was going on, you were sooo groggy. I asked if you were insinuating that either Dad or Maria had drugged you and you said " I wouldn’t put anything past them" and that "they wanted to be able to openly do what they wanted to do without any interference". I knew something was definitely wrong. You actually believed what you were saying. Dad also told me that he would wake up in the middle of the night and you would be standing there watching him. These types of accusations continued until I said, “Enough, I've heard enough”, and stopped you whenever you brought it up. If that had really happened and Dad had really been unfaithful with all of those women, then why didn’t you leave? Women don’t remain in relationships where they are mistreated. Your roommate is a perfect example. Of your own admission, her live in boyfriend got back together with his high school sweetheart, moved out of town, and moved in with her, so Donna Mae got a job at Hospice and moved out. She wasn’t going to put up with such behavior so she left. There was nothing holding you back and stopping you from leaving. But you chose not to. No one believes or respects someone who has the opportunity to leave a bad situation and doesn’t. That is a big part of why I and others don’t believe your stories. The last 2 days of Dad's life, he asked me to tell you that he never did have a relationship with Maria. It was important to him that you be told that. He had no reason to lie, he knew what was coming. However I did not want to deal with your ridiculousness and I didn’t say a word. I told him, “Look, she’s never going to change and everyone already knows the truth so I’m not getting into that with her, its not your problem it's hers.”
Then came the morning when you had your " stroke". While in the hospital, Mike and I talked to your doctors and they said you kept changing your story. And there was no evidence of a stroke. When the doctor asked us....me, Mike, and Dad... if there was anything else going on, Dad mentioned the problems at home and how you were hearing things that weren’t happening and making wild accusations about him and a neighbor. When the hospital brought in a psychologist, you told her that you thought this neighbor was trying to harm you. You were then transported to MonteVista Hospital and spent 10 days in the psych ward. You were put on medication, and set up to counsel with a psychologist and psychiatrist upon discharge. You refused the medication and refused to continue treatment. I know of at least 3 psychiatrists you saw including Dr. Desmarais , Dr. Mortillaro, and a third, who’s name I don’t remember. Dr Mortillaro diagnosed you as being schizophrenic. I know this to be true because when Dad got sick, it was suggested to him by someone who knows you very well that since you had access to all of his medication to be careful. Upon taking additional steps, those documents which contained your diagnosis in them were disclosed to me upon his death just in case anything out of the ordinary happened. ( We'll discuss the “phone call” I got from you the last day Dad was at the house later in this letter.) Then you just quit telling your stories and life went back to what it was before that happened. However, you still think those things happened.
Let’s talk about school......that was another disaster. Take my homework for example. You always insisted on checking it, even through High School. When you would check it if it wasn’t done the way you thought was right I was bullied by you until it was changed. A perfect example was the time I had math homework, short division, and you decided that short division wouldn’t " teach me anything" so you made me do it over until it was done the way you wanted it done. Of course I got an F because it wasn’t done the way it was instructed. And then, once again, I got in trouble when I got home because I failed. Unbelievable. As this continued, my grades declined. Partly, because I was too embarrassed to hand in my assignments because it obviously wasn’t my work. So naturally, faced with failing grades, you and Dad were called into multiple parent teacher conferences. It was not until I was already married that I learned that in those meetings you were told that "the problem isn’t with your daughter, the problem is at home". Dad told Mike this when they were talking one time and, of course, Mike knowing how important that would be for me to know, told me. When I asked Dad, he confirmed it. Then there was always the next day after you had attended one of those meetings. I dreaded them because I knew what was coming. As soon as Dad left for work, it started, you would yell at me saying I'd "better straighten up because were sick and tired of constantly having to go down to the school because of your shenanigans" .
Then there was the issue of my personal appearance. Do you know how mean it was of you to stand there watching me get ready for school or anything else and tell me how vain I was because I spent too much time " in front of the mirror?" It would not matter if it was just 2 minutes, you would taunt and criticize me. Self respect is not a bad thing. People should take pride in their appearance.
When I got my first period at age 13.....instead of telling me what to do, such as talking to me about maxi pads or tampons, you started with a barrage of almost daily comments that if I ever got pregnant, I would be living on the streets because I would be disowned and You and Dad would never help me with anything. Thats very sick.
You used to blame me for everything. If something bad happened, I was obviously the one who was responsible. For years, you blamed me for breaking your toe because I set a can of tomatoes or something on the edge of the counter for you to knock over. You knocked it over not me. Mike explained that one to me. It was also pointed out when we were going to counseling that I didn’t have anything to do with that. You just chose to blame me for it. And I actually believed for a very long time that I had broken your toe. Now I know different.
How can any child who lives under those conditions possibly think anything else other than this parent clearly doesn’t like me. When I ran away it was because it was either that or I'd probably become suicidal. But, of course, you saw that as the ultimate opportunity to get rid of me. You stuck me in juvenile hall and told the counselors that I was to go to either Child Haven or a foster home and that I was not to come home. I wish I had been sent to foster care, at least someone would have been monitoring the people taking care of me. But then a few days later I was sent home due to my good behavior. Well, that didn’t work for you. I wasn’t home for 2 days when all the torment started again. Do you remember the last day I was home? You knocked me to the floor, got on top of me, and started choking me. I hope you remember because I have never forgotten. Then I went into the kitchen and you followed me and were screaming " I should have gotten rid of you when I had the chance". Out of frustration, I picked up a handful of silverware in the sink and threw it straight back down into the water . The silverware was covered in soapy water, and I had no idea what I was picking up. You took that opportunity to call the police and tell them I was throwing knives. Of course that resulted in my return to Juvenile Hall. It was at that time I knew I would never be able to trust you. I finally understood how you really felt about me. I wished I had the self respect and the courage to stand up and tell someone what you did to me, so that you could have been held accountable. But of course you will be held accountable for your actions in the end as we all will be. You have never and probably never will accept responsibility for your character defects. It’s always someone else’s fault.
I asked to go live with Theresa and her family or anyone who would let me stay with them. Your response to that was “No one wants you in their home pulling your shenanagans and they don’t even like you". I lived with that until about 7-8 months ago when I started asking questions and no one said those things. In fact, they would have loved to have had me. Luckily, I was able to stay at Ron and Shirley’s for awhile and, to be honest, I never wanted to leave. One of my goals when I got married and had a family was to have that kind of atmostsphere. Many, many times Michael has said "Well you always said you wanted it to be like Ron and Shirley’s and now you have it, you should be proud". And I am.
You denied me out of an extended family for 40 + years. All of my life it was very apparent how much you hated everyone in Dad's family. You didn’t just not like them, you hated them. To this very day you cannot cover your hatred towards them. It’s obvious on your face. Luckily, I had the hindsight to know you were wrong. They are some of the nicest people and I’m very happy to have them as family. Somewhere, somehow you got it in your head that it was “you against them.” Ridiculous. From as early as I can remember, you spewed absolute hatred anytime they were even mentioned. You even did that with your own sisters. To this day, whenever you talk about them your tone changes and your jealousy becomes apparent.
Remember when you wanted me to pay rent? What parent who has a child who’s working full time, paid for her own car, her own gas, own insurance, clothes, phone bill, etc. would charge their child for rent when she’s making minimum wage? When I told Dad about that he was astounded. He never knew anything about that. He said it was ridiculous and that he never would have enforced it.
Then, in addition, I can't count the number of times you would hound me with " Once you're out of this house you are never coming back". The truth is, I would have rather lived in a rat and cockroach infested trailer before I would move back into that house with you. Do you remember how you would unplug my phone whenever you felt like and not allow me any privacy while I was on the phone? You insisted on my door being open and you would stand out in the hallway and listen to every conversation. But I paid the phone bill, not you. You had no right to invade my privacy like you did. I can’t tell you how many times my friends would tell me how obviously twisted my mother was and that she clearly despised me. I didn’t have to tell them a thing, they saw it for themselves. You were known as the "psycho mom on Hassett." I wasn’t even allowed to go to the bathroom without you walking in "accidentally". In civilized societies, we knock on closed doors. In counseling, I learned your behavior was clearly controlling and abusive. Again, Dad had to take some responsibility and he did, but he didn’t know everything that went on in our house when he was at work. If he did, he would have put a stop to it. You always made statements that suggested that Dad knew what was going on and was ok with it. You denied me self respect and self esteem. It has taken me a lifetime to recover from the damage you have done to me. Do you really think Mike and I were in counseling for 3 ½ years because of his drinking? That’s what got us into it, but I also learned how emotionally damaged I was. It's amazing what I learned from therapy where I was taught by a professional what’s normal and what’s not. And which parent played which role. Who was the abuser and who let it happen.
For the record, Dad never did anything inappropriate to me, even though you constantly were asking me if he ever “ touched me". He would have died in a jail cell if he had because I would have had him arrested.
You always complained about how much you hated our house and how small it was, but you never did anything about it. You could have gotten a job and had more income coming in to get a larger home or add on to the one we had. Even with that, your excuse was " Ralph would send the money to his mother". She died when I was very young and that excuse doesn’t hold water. I have recently learned that you made accusations that Dad gambled the money away. Give me a break. You're extremely fortunate that he put up with your nonsense. I asked him why he didn’t get a divorce from you and he said he was brought up that marriage was forever and he had taken vows in front of God so he had an obligation to remain in the relationship. That’s very respectable thinking. But my personal opinion is you broke his spirit the way you broke mine. After he died and you gave me all of his Navy things, there were awards he was given for things he had done. Also in his things were newspaper articles about his various accomplishments and for which he was praised. Had that been my husband, I would have created a special place just for those awards and articles. I would have told it to anyone who would listen. But no, they weren’t even acknowledged. That is very sad. Now he has 3 homes where his memory and his accomplishments are displayed proudly; ours, Jon’s, and Judy’s.
Since Dad died, you’ve let our house go to hell. What person in their right mind lets their bathrooms get to a point where you have to pour buckets of water in the toilets after they have been used so that they flush? Your reasoning ? You wanted to remodel the kitchen. Unbelievable . It’s no wonder your sick all the time with the house in the condition it’s in. You like to say how much your house is worth, but the truth of the matter is, it would never sell without there being literally thousands of dollars of repairs being done first. Your shower has so much mold growing in it that the grout is black. That happens from neglect. Dad kept that house up when he was alive. When he got sick and couldn’t fix a few things himself, he set you up with who to call and what needed to be done. A phone call, all you needed to make was a phone call, but you couldn’t be bothered. Why? Because you wanted to spend the money on other things. On what you wanted to do, not what needed to be done. No one in their right mind would choose to live in those conditions. At least now you have a roommate who refuses to live that way.
In the past, Jon’s always stuck up for you. Of course he doesn’t know all of the things I’ve stated in this letter. He would say your just old or that maybe dementia has probably played a role in your behavior.
However, you may have noticed your grandson's "disapearance" over the last year and a half. The Christmas before last, Jon, knowing that you’re active in your church decided to get you a nice bible. He did all of the footwork himself including calling to find out which version the Church used. Not 5 minutes after opening it, you started with "I don’t like this and it doesn’t have this and that you were going to exchange it for another one. If you'll recall he walked out of the room saying " Well, I tried." and slammed the door behind him. After you left I went in to talk to him saying "Well maybe next year it will be different". His response was " Screw that, I’m not doin' that again." Apparently, you later decided to keep it, but you never once tried to tell Jon that. I was upset that he had been hurt but at the same time, I was proud that we had raised a son who would never let someone abuse his feelings and treat him like a doormat. I have never and I will never encourage him to have a relationship with someone who would have such disregard for his feelings. I don’t care what the relationship is. Neither have I said anything to discourage his relationship with you, he seems to be doing that all on his own. When you called and said you were selling double ugh he was beside himself. You seem to have no comprehension of why that is important to him. He and Dad had a lot of fun times in it and it doesn’t matter if he just wanted to sit in it for 10 minutes here and there. He wanted and still wants it. Now, who knows what you’ll do. So, if your smart, you'll do the right thing. Because he doesn’t know everything. I hope he never finds out either. I’m exhausted trying to run interference so you don’t tell him your stories about his grandfather. However, should you ever make reference to such things then that will be the the final nail in your coffin because he will hate you for telling him those things about his grandfather. Trust me on that one, I know my son.
Dad got the two of you into counseling, a few different times, and you called one day and said that Dad told you that you had been mean to me while I was growing up and he wanted you to apologize. You said “ I’m sorry for whatever I did to you.” Clearly you had no clue what you were apologizing for, nor that you even meant any of it. You were simply doing it because Dad asked you to.
I truly believe you don’t know how to love and I think you have some serious emotional problems. After Dad's funeral, more than a few people told me how totally inappropriate they felt your behavior was. Make no mistake, by no means are the people who talk to me about these issues in Las Vegas alone. A few of your own family members are aware of your inappropriate behavior. I wasn’t a bit surprised to learn that, as a child, you used to bang your head against the wall, and use your health to get attention. You still do that. You also never show emotion. You smile at everything. I’ve never seen you cry. Dad was married to you for 49 years and he never saw you cry. That’s not normal.
Whenever you refer to anything within or outside of the house which the family has accumulated, its alway’s " mine". It's never "ours" or "our family's". Its always "mine". There is no "mine" in a family. And you never in my lifetime contributed to any financial aspect at all. You also made huge expenditures without even speaking to Dad ( ie: the $18,000 organ that sits in the front room.) Dad opened the bill one day and showed it to me so there’s no denying it. Whenever Dad needed cash for something, he always had to ask you. From what I remember, whenever he wanted to buy a new gun or parts for his engines, it was always only a few hundred dollars, and he was always made to feel like he was " throwing away money". Again, you are lucky he tolerated such nonsense. In our home, expenditures over $100 are discussed first. Not because we have to. Its out of respect, also, we are a team and we work together.
I feel you are a total hypocrite. You put on this persona of a sweet little church lady. Outside of anything having to do with the church, you are a totally different person. If you were to unfortunately go tomorrow, the God I believe in would never let you into his home. Those who are fortunate to “go there” after this life, have lead a good, honest and sincere life. A huge part of why I have doubts, regarding religion, is solely because of the way religion was represented by you in our house. On Sundays, you'd put on a smile, go to church, but then the rest of the week it’s ok to be a bad person. That’s hypocritical.
If not for Dad, I’m not even sure if I would grown up with Santa or the Easter Bunny or other icons having to do with holidays. You never even got out of bed to be a part of any of those things. I learned at a young age, in most homes, Mom’s did all of those things, not because they had to, but simply because they wanted to. In my mind, that's another example of your feelings towards me.
While Dad was alive, he would tell me how Leon made comments about how he married into a “sick ,sick ” family.
Obviously, something happened for him to have the hindsight to be aware of it. For him to make those comments to Dad, he also had to be aware that things with you were not “right” when he was down here visiting.
When I had surgery for cancer, you did some things that were completely just cruel. As I was being brought back to my room immediately following surgery, the very first thing you told me was, “I’m sorry about your dog”. You had to have known, I had no idea what you were talking about since there was no possible way I could have been told prior that moment. The morning after I had my surgery, I woke up to have a minister standing beside me. Considering that I had just had surgery to remove cancer, you can only imagine what went through my mind. Thinking the worst, when Mike arrived at the hospital, and I told him, he was frantic. To this day, he can’t believe how thoughtless you were. Had I not reminded Dad of that incident before his surgery, that very thing would have gone through his mind as well. Of course, the exact same scenario unfolded right after he had surgery. He was, at that time terminal, but at that time no one knew that.
Last Christmas, something was mentioned about going to the cemetery to see Dad. You mentioned that you only go when you are here for the holidays. I had always had a suspicion that you never went regularly. When you confirmed it I was sick to my stomach. You were married to the man for 49 years and you don’t have the common decency to visit him more that once or twice a year? I’ve only been married for twenty-one years and I can’t imagine not going on a regular basis. For that matter I can’t imagine ever getting into another relationship. You,on the other hand, started mentioning getting re-married not even 6 months after Dad died. Unbelievable.
I can’t begin tell you how shocked I was when, after Dad died, I began to receive phone calls from friends and family members regarding your Christmas Letter. I have never read them, but clearly it comes across that you’ve never been happier and that you no longer have to slum in the motor home. Now you get to travel all of the time “first class”. Again, these are family members, not just friends. They all have the same opinion after reading your letters. What do you think the opinion they have of you is, as regards the way you have acted since Dad died? It’s not a good one. You clearly don’t appreciate anything. You are completely ungrateful.
Speaking of when Dad died, I want you to recall the last day he was at the house. I want you to remember the phone call you made to me stating that Maria had gone around to the neighbors saying you were drugging Dad and giving him too much morphine. A sick feeling ran through me so I drove down to see if things were ok. Imagine the horror that went through me when I walked into the house and he was completely catatonic. You made things worse for yourself when the paramedics took Dad to the hospital. They told you to bring his medication. When you arrived there and were asked to hand it over, your response was that you had flushed it down the toilet. Considering he had been hospitalized three times prior, there was no reason to think that he wouldn’t be coming home this time also. When I said “What about when he gets home?,” you seemed at a loss for words and then finally said “Well, I guess we’ll have to get more”. Ever since then, many times I have wanted Mike to send for his toxicology records. I didn’t, after Dad died, because Dr. Shoemaker told us “even if he gets through this, he’s never going to beat this cancer”. You said Maria told the neighbors that you were abusing Dad’s medication. Would the neighbors confirm that? If I called them, will they tell me that really happened? I’m not the only one who thinks this. The morning you called, before I headed down there, I called both Ron and Shirley and Phyllis and Gerald because I wanted to see if they had been down there the day before or that morning. Of course with the events that followed they were immediately suspicious. They are not the only ones I talked to. I called Mike at work. Not being there I talked to Gary, who happens to be a very good family friend as well as one of Mikes business partners. He offered to meet me down at your house, not knowing what I was going to walk into. I declined his offer. I never thought you would ever do such a thing, even though Dad and I were both warned to be careful around you with his medication because this person “knew what you were capable of”. The truth of the matter is I’m not sure what happened that morning, I just know the whole thing makes me sick. I was willing to let these things that haunt me go. All you had to do was do the right thing and "play nice". When you become an adult and have children, you have a responsibility to bring them into a secure, healthy environment. You've had many, many more chances than you probably deserved. You had to have known you had psychological problems. It is obvious to so many people. When I moved out of the house, I was constantly asked "What the hell is wrong with your mom?" Everyone seemed to ask me that, from friends to family members who have known you for all or most of your life.
In light of everything I've set forth above, it is clear that our mother-daughter relationship, as well as your continued relationship with Mike and Jon, now teeters at a fragile and precarious crossroad. Simply stated, the status quo is no longer acceptable to me.
Although I don't like ultimatims, I offer you one none the less. Although no child ever wants to terminate a relationship with a parent, there do exist circunstances where, as here, such a choice presents itself as being the only viable option. The easiest thing for me to do would be for me to completely disassociate from you, move on with my life and hope that the continuing passage of time helps to mend my wounds, emotional and otherwise, which I have been caused to suffer by you. In such a scenario we would simply go our seprate ways with no further communications or time spent with each other.
However I cannot lose sight of the fact that, despite your many deficiences and shortcomings, you are still my only surviving parent. My proposal to you is as follows: I believe you are sincerely in need of professional assistance. I believe you need intensive counselling and, most likely, a regimen of additional medication. You will also need to be honest with yourself as regards your prior misdeeds and I hope my letter will be of assistance to you in focussing on how you and I have gotten to the point where we find ourselves today.
If you take action to improve yourself as both a person and a parent, I will give significant reconsideration to my present decision to completely terminate our mother-daughter relationship. Until you take such action, this is precisely where our relationship stands. I don't want you to call me or Mike or Jon. I don' want you to come to our house nor to visit Mike at work. Such actions on your part will result in the harshest of possible responses, both legal and otherwise.
I do invite you to write to me (point: for the time being, all communications between you, I and my family are to be in writing) and share your thoughts, if any, as regards the matters addressed in this letter as well as to advise me as to whether you have any desire to correct and re establish our relationship and what steps you've taken or intend to take to effectuate these changes.
The proverbial "ball now rests in your court." It is solely up to you to take responsibility for your misdeeds and to mold the future into the way in which you would like to live out your final years.
I pray that God will be with you as you look back on your life as a mother, wife and person and will also be there to assist you in now making the decisions which will determine the manner in which you'll now live out your final years.
I hope you will guide yourself accordingly,
p.s. I will be returning your housekeys to Donna Mae at her workplace, so as to preclude any notion that we are entering your home in your absence. If you do choose to write me back, please acknowledge your receipt of the housekeys.
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Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: General Sex Questions?
First of all, I am not a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor, but I will do my best to help you!
By the contents of your letter, it seems as if your mother suffers from mental illness. This mental illness has caused a lot of difficulties growing up and has left you with a unfulfilled void in your life. You are angry, sad, hurt, and worried about your mother.
Now that you have sent the letter, I would not attempt to say any more. You have said everything you feel and even if she does not reply, if she does not read the letter or if she does, there is nothing more you can do. You have said your peace.
My advice would be to talk to a professional. They can help you gather your feelings and find a way to cope with this hurt you feel. And you should know that it is not your fault.
Your mother has proven difficult in maintaining a healthy relationship with you due to her mental illness and until she gets the proper help and guidance for it, there is nothing she can do for you.
You must work on growing stronger as an individual and able to cope with not being able to HAVE your mother apologise or fill the emptiness you feel.
A professional will surely help you in that. But as for communication, I wouldn't send her any more letters. You have said your peace. Now it is time for both of you to heal.
Hope that helps and hope it works out for you,
-Charlotte
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