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confused and sad
Dear Wise Al
I have a question for you that I think you'll be able to answer better than most of the younger teens on this site- I've been very emotional the last two weeks and could cry at the drop of a hat and you seem like a nice person who wouldnt be too harsh on me.
Well I have been friends with a married man for about 3 and a half years. We have been close friends and nothing more. We've never crossed the line. His wife knew we were friends and was okay with it because I've made it clear I'm a virgin and saving myself for marriage. He has not been happy in his marriage for a long time. They have many problems- including that she is older by ten years and has two grown kids that steal from him- they have nothing in common, they fight constantly; and she has many addictions. There marriage has been dead for years. Anyways; about a year ago he was asking me leading questions like where was I going to meet mr right and that if I was still single in 5 years I wouldnt be happy. He also asked if I wanted kids (he has never had any of his own). So I was sort of thinking that he was eventually going to leave his wife for me. Well about 8 months ago they moved to another province for work. He gave me his old computer before he left. We had been messangering each other. Well we got into a huge fight- I told him I missed him and then he said "I'm a married ma" (with a smiled face). I told him I knew that and that I meant as friends _ and then I said I was worried that I thought he thought I wanted an affair! Now he wants nothing to do with me- he even took me off his contact list for messanger. I said I still wanted to be his friend. I tried phoning and he won't answer.
Now I'm beginning to think that he was never going to leave his wife and just wanted to have an affair with me! But why would he be asking me all those leading questions a year ago? I'm wondering if that was he way of manipulating me? Do you have any insight into this?
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Im really sorry, but I dont think I can be of much help. Heres a few thoughts I had though.
First of all, while it does sound like he really liked you, I am not sure why you believed so strongly that he was going to leave his wife for you. Im not saying he wasnt thinking about it, but it is equally conceivable that he was trying to save his marriage. In that case, what he had with you was simply a friendship.
Perhaps, if that line of reasoning is right, that might explain why he reacted so strongly when you began talking about affairs. Could it be that the questions he asked you a year ago were not leading? That maybe he asked you them as a friend might ask a friend he cares about?
I have no idea of course, and this is somethig you have to decide. However, based on his reaction, the only other possible explanation that I can think of is that he changed his mind somehow. However, that makes very little sense, and does not explain his strong reaction to your statement.
I can see how the situation can be very confusing and I am by no means an expert on such things (I would never have answered such a question if you had not dropped it in my inbox). However, consider the following things:
1- He never said anything that directly implied he wanted to leave his wife.
2- He never directly said anything that could not conceivably be said from one friend to another.
3- He never made a pass at you in any way -if he wanted an affair, I am sure he would have tried something.
4- He seems resolved to work out his problems with his wife... he even moved away from where you were.
5- He reacted almost violently when you talked of having an affair
My conlcusion from all this is that I am almost certain he never wanted to have an affair with you. I am also leaning strongly towards that he never wanted to leave his wife either.
Of course, I can only go with the text above, you have more personal experiences to rely on. Whichever way it is, I do have some advice. Move on. Do not sit around for another year trying to read in between the lines. Good luck.
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