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Not mutilated
When I was about 11, my mom and dad told me about female circumcision
I didn't really know what I was getting into and agreed to it.
We got it done in our house by a nurse practitioner.
It hurt like hell to say the least and I couldn't move for about a few days and when I did I wasn't able to bend.
The whole experience is just this eerie blur of events.
I have a healthy interest in sex but I can't/won't masturbate.
I know this is a stupid question, but ever since that day, I can't clean my self after peeing because it hurts.
I'm currently in a relationship and we've been thinking about having sex (protected 'course ^^).
I haven't told my boyfriend about what has happened to me because I don't want him to think badly of my mom and to pity me for being a victim of mutilation.
I willingly agreed to undergo the procedure and I don't resent my mom for doing it and I understand where she is coming from.
But now, what am I to do?
I'm a virgin and I'm afraid of having sex because of the pain I've experienced.
I know this is pretty long, but help?
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As a child, you were not in a position to truly consent to an operation of this magnitude. Parents ultimately have control over their children, and a child will agree to things for many reaons - to please their parents, because they assume their parents are right, and because the child is not clearly informed about things and the longterm effects. I am not condemning your parents, but merely pointing out that if you do feel any lingering resentment, you have a valid reason to feel that way.
The pain is something to be concerned about, as it could be a direct result of the circumcision - or something else. It's important to see a doctor to check things out; a doctor may also be able to give you tips on how to clean yourself in a pain-free way. He or she may also be able to recommend a support group or therpist where you can discuss your situation with other supportive people in the same position.
Once a doctor has said you're medically okay, you will want to think about your boyfriend. If you are planning on having sex, it's important to do so in an open and honest way - which includes discussing your fears. Being a virgin means that you may have pain during sex for the first few times - and depending on whether you were stitched tightly during your operation, that might intensify the pain.
If your boyfriend is aware of the situation, he will be more gentle and take his time. It's important for you to work out what you need from him, and then let him know. Circumcised or not, this is the way to find sexual fulfillment.
At the end of the day, you're you. You underwent a procedure when you were small, and it's had an effect on your life. It's probably influenced your personality and behaviours, and letting someone know about the situation - if you feel safe and supported - will only offer you more support and a solid base of love to work from.
I wish you the best.
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