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Suicide
I'm 13/f. I have like, one of the top grades in the school.I'm, well naturally smart. I know that my category is mental health above, but nothing else could describe this feeling.
Basically, I'm your average teen. I get crushes, though mine seem to last longer than others, like about 5 years. But my life feels so incomplete. I have a 5 year old sister. Our relationship is stronger than others. When she was an infant, I literally was her mother when my mother was at work in the mornings. I still am, even though she's in kndergarten and ready 2 face the world! But ever sice she was turning 4, she's been driving me up the wall. She sometimes doesn't listen to me, she picks fights with me, and she literally has sex with a giant teddy bear now!
I also have an out of control father. Before my grandfather died, he told my mother why my dad is like that. He has a mental problem. A really bad temper. It's not your average temper. Those peeps who study the mental health stuff even agree on that. But when he's not in his psyco stage, he's a normal father.
My mom is okay though. She 's very proud of me. But with this family, I have no life. I'm very responsible, don't u think I need some freedom?! I know they want to do what's best for me, and I understand. I also know that they are trying to protect me. I've calmly explained to them that I need some space. They said no.
One last thing is that I have no friends. No on e at school likes me a lot, and it's not because I'm a freaky little genius, which I'm not! It's because a lot of them came from my old elementary school, and the same memories of me being a shrimpy little weirdo is still in their heads. I've outgrown that. But they don't understand. I sit hours and hours in my room, crying about my sister, my social life, my limited amount of freedom. While others get by on luck, I work hard for success. I want to slide by once in a while. With school, a crazy family, and no one to confide in, I often think about killing myself. Three times I've suffocated myself, choked myself, and another time, I tried to get severe hypothermia. Hypothermia can't really kill you so easily though. Everyone I know has failed me. I can't llok up to anyone. I'm a girl, without a lot to say, a lot to do, and a lot on her mind. What I also need is advice. Talk me out of killing myself! I can't do it! I want to go to Adventureland every summer like I usually do! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: General Sex Questions?
Okay, let me try to answer one thing at a time. First of all, it's natural for a small child to begin to fight with those who have cared for her - much like a teenager, she is beginning to want her independence. She's learning the power of the word 'no' and trying to become her own little person. This isn't a personal attack on your ability as a sister, she's just growing up.
Her having sex with a teddy bear is also pretty normal. Kids masturbate almost from infancy, and kids her age will often indulge in some sexual play. Also a part of growing up.
Your dad - is he getting help? How much of the time is he angry, and how much of the time isn't he? If he's not a risk to your safety and his temper is short-living, thinking up some strategies to cope can help you. Perhaps staying in your room, writing in a journal, etc. You could also try talking to him when he isn't angry about your feelings - making him more aware of your emotions might help him think about the impact of his temper.
It sounds as though things are pretty good with you and your mom. Why not use her as a sounding board to talk through your feelings?
As far as school goes, I understand how bad your situation is. Making friends can be hard in the best of situations, and it seems as though you've got a lot of stuff surrounding you that's only making it harder.
Is there anything in specific you're interested in? Sports, drama, choir, etc? Joining a group like this automatically puts you with people who share at least one common interest. Working as part of a team can be an excellent way to begin to bond with people.
If things at your school are too tough for you to want to risk yourself, why not get involved in the community? There should be a community education booklet you can get, which will have after school/weekend clubs, classes, etc. Dance, karate, pottery, acting, sports - all ways to get a fresh start without being in your school.
Unfortunately, I can't talk you out of wanting to kill yourself. If I could I certainly would, as it seems as if you're in a bad situation that you WILL outgrow - you just need some patience and new ways to cope.
Stop investing all your time at home in your sister - take some of that time and get involved in a group of people your own age. Your family should be supportive if you find an actual, concrete thing you would like to join. That way, rather than saying, 'I want more freedom!' you can say, 'I want to take such-and-such a class on Tuesday afternoons and Saturday mornings.' This gives them less to freak out about, and gives you a chance to start proving that you can handle some more independence.
Right now, you are physically harming yourself, and it doesn't sound as if it's making you any happier. Your school should have a counsellor that you can see confidentially - do ask her/him about what situations they might have to break confidentiality in before you begin working with them. Sometimes just having the space to vent, cry, be angry, and try to figure things out can make a huge difference.
A counsellor is also objective because they aren't in your family, so they will really try to see things from your perspective and not judge you.
If thinking about Adventureland helps you want to stay alive, then focus on that. Also think about other short-term things you are looking forward to.
Get a system in place to help you the next time you feel suicidal - a national free helpline number you can call, a counsellor, or an adult you trust can help you when you need it.
Finally, if you stick with the painful process of growing up and into yourself, you'll be amazed at how much you'll find to live for - and most of it will be right within yourself.
Please do write again if you need more support.
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