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Loving a lost one...
To preface, I came across this site because I did a search for someone that has passed on and found out thatthey used used to have a column here.
From my prespective, she and I had a special time together almost ten years ago. She was two time zones away yet we would be in touch everyday for a few months. I realize this is only a short time, yet I had initially ended it.
In the shortime thereafter, she and I would keep in touch and then because I acted stupidly with words she and I would not converse less and less.
Four years later, I took a trip out to where she lived to visit other people and ended up one night at a bar where she was and we were able to spend some private moments there talking and playing games that were available to us at the establishment. I felt, at the time, a certin affection for her that was similar to when we would be in constant touch with each other.
From that time until a year and a half ago our interactions were minimal - but the special place she held in my heart was something that was still there. She had told me once that when you love someone you love them forever and she said she still loved me. I had been resigned to the fact that the love of which she spoke was more than likely less intense than when we had originally interacted.
In late 2004 I had made arrangements to stay at her place because work obiligations had put me in a position so that I would be located where she lived. I did that in part because I wanted to see her again, spend time with her, and even though I could have found a place to live close to where she lived, I wanted to be able to spend some time with her and since she agreed I thought it'd be best.
Unfortunately, plans changed due to circumstances and when given an offer to go back home (albeit for a short period of time) I chose that instead of going to her. I wish I had chosen differently.
I found out through a friend that she had passed on late last year and I felt obligated not only to myself but somehow to her that I should go to her memorial service. I went to her service and let no one that was there know who I was in relevence to her nor why I was there. I went because I wanted to say, "goodbye."
It has been almost six months since then and I find myself in a position in which I think about her still. I sometimes feel that if I had not gone home that perhaps things would be different and I know that it is not something to concentrate on but at times I do feel as though maybe had I chosen a different course of action that perhaps things would have ended differenty for her.
I know she is in a better place now but somehow, selfishly, I don't find peace. I love her, will always love her and maybe I'm confused about things but I even then I do hope over time to find peace.
So, I suppose my question should be - will a part of me always feel this way? Will I grow to understand this over time, on my own? Or is there something there that will always be, to put it as loose as possible, nagging me?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I know what you are going through, I just lost my dad to a terribla disease, and yes at first you will feel like you cant live without her. Somedays are going to be tough, others days will be easier. So0medays u will feel like you cant be happy because she isnt here, but i promise it will get better. DOnt think about the what if's, but think about teh happy times you had together. If u need to talk more about this situation, you can contact em at an e-mail address, SkaterGirl25819@aol.com. Hopefully this helped!
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Just keep on praying abput it and God will do the rest. As soon as your born, he has your life planned out from start to finish. It's like a big puzzle, and this is just one piece. If you keep praying, God will take care of everything and your puzzle will be finished.
kathryn
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Tough one. Whether or not this something will be nagging you is something very personal, probably none we could answer for you. I think it depends on your views and what you think about the situation.
Don't take it the wrong way, but it seems that if you continue to feel that guilt or regret that you might be feeling, then yeah it will probably remain with you. I mean it would be a different story if this event changed your entire lifestyle and your daily habits, ya know? But because I am guessing [sorry if I'm wrong] that while you do think about it from time to time, that you do not dwell on it every moment, and I do mean every moment. Could there have been something or someone or moments since then that have brought you to feeling happy, joy, and just great about life?
I'm going to go with that your answer is yes. Since what happened probably didn't effect every single entire aspect of your life from the most simple of things to the way you think, I feel its safe to say that over time you will grow to understand. When will that time be is probably on your mind right now. That all depends, but it does not seem like it is something that would have you thinking about it the way you do now in 5 years. In other words: things will happen, things will change, and you will too - for the better.
I don't think you should feel guilty about taking the other job or have any regrets. Life happens. You seem to be a very strong person to begin with so I think you will pull through - even with this one. Hope you feel better and good luck.
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