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Handling an elusive man
I am 44 years old...look 30...always have been considered beautiful. I am almost divorced.
In the summer, I ran into a man I knew from the country club. He is 55. I called him because I was planning a party for my parents, and he owns a catering hall.
He is very nice, very rich and seems to be very attracted to me. He adores my sons. He has an adopted daughter that he dotes on and lavishes all of his attention on...perhaps to an excessive degree.
He was thrilled that I called, yet disappointed it was "business"
He called me quite often. Finally, he took my twin sons (7) and I out on his boat a few times.
He never took me out on an "alone" date, however. He kept promising...it got ridiculous. He kept telling me how sexy and beautiful I was, yet never seemed to want to be alone with me. I broke up with him. He called me back...and then called one month later to rekindle.
It has been 4 months. He has never taken me on a date. He did not send me anything for Valentine's Day. I sent him a card. Friendly, and cute.
When I realized he did not send me anything on VDay, I called and told him to change the message on the card (in gaelic) to "to hell with You." He called and, fortunately, had not been able to understand the rest of the message because it was unclear...thank goodness.
I was distant, and told him that I felt awkward about sending him something, and hung up. He called back later, and acted annoyed. He said he was "disheartened" by the fact that I regretted sending the card. He seemed to have no clue that I was disappointed and felt foolish because he did not acknowledge me on VDay!!!
He also mentioned that he is "confused about the whole situation, and that I probably am too." HELLO?!!!
I am absolutely not going to call him back. But I do have strong feelings for him, I do not understand what is going on. If he calls, how should I handle it? ...I resent being put in this position. I feel that the man should pursue the woman, and I am certainly not going to ask HIM out. Why would a man put off taking a woman out on a date?
FYI, I am not after his money, I am well off.
Thank you!!!IVY
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This is a tough one, so I've given it extra thought.
You didn't mention if he was a widower, or divorced; since he has an adopted daughter, it sounds as if at some point there was a wife in the picture. That could be the key to his reluctance. Because clearly, he's attracted to you; and clearly, something is holding him back.
If he's a widower, he may feel that it's somehow disloyal to the memory of his wife to date someone new; that's not at all an uncommon reaction.
If he's divorced, and particularly if it was a bad divorce, the odds are quite good that he's simply afraid of commitment. I've known quite a few men who've become terribly afraid of a serious relationship after a bad divorce; as soon as a girlfriend started to get serious, they'd end the relationship. I suspect that attitude is more common among divorced men than divorced women, but since I've never been divorced myself, I'm just guessing about that.
Either way, you're in a bind. You want him, and he seems to want you, but he's holding back. And since he admitted that he was confused, it's clear that he realizes that there's a problem.
Your emotions are clearly running high, and that's quite understandable. This situation is painful, and needs to be resolved. But I don't think you can expect him to resolve it.
He's confused about his own behavior. YOU'RE confused by his behavior. So between the two of you, you're the one who is best positioned to cut to the quick and clear things up. But you need to keep a cool head.
I realize that you don't want to take the initiative; you want to be wooed, and won. That's natural. But at the rate he's going, it doesn't seem that he's ever going to reach that point.
So you need to sit down and make a decision: is the possibility of being with him worth taking the first step? You needn't lay your heart on the floor in front of him, but there are ways that you could talk to him about this issue.
Perhaps the best way would be a letter, a real old-fashioned letter. Nothing too strong; just tell him that you like him and respect him, and that since you believe that he reciprocates your feelings you'd like to find out what, if anything, you two might mean to each other. Be understanding of his confusion; but make it clear that while you like him, and would like to explore the possibility of a relationship with him, you can't wait forever.
Because the truth is, you can't. Time is too precious to spend waiting for a man who can't or won't make up his mind. And if he decides that he's not ready to make that sort of decision, you need to move on and find someone who is. From the way you described yourself, it doesn't sound as if that will be difficult!
Good luck!
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