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older love again
Hey Silentone, I'm asking your advice on this one because I respect it and also, I guess, because I long to hear a different perspective. I've already asked Razhie, whose advice I also greatly respect and who gave me the answer that I'm 90 per cent sure is correct. But so far no men have answered this question, and I would like a male point of view.
Months and months ago, I briefly dated a forty-seven year old man(I am twenty-two/f) and it didn't really work out. He said he was still in love with his ex girlfriend back in the States(he is American, I am British and living and up until the today we both lived in Britain).
Despite our initial break up, we continued to see each other,and were sporadically sleeping together. The day before yesterday, I got a call from him saying that he was about to get kicked out of the country(long story, but he basically had a dud visa and tried to slip in to the country anyway-result ejection, even in yankee loving Britain)
So we met up-he invited me over to"watch a DVD" (you get it, code for "my c*ck is leaving in thirty-six hours, be on it") and I had the best sex of my entire life. Post-sex, though, I was troubled and sad, as I felt that my need to be close to him was not a feeling reciprocated by him-idk, I'm never sure with him. In the morning he kissed me, was tender and affectionate and promised to call me that night, his last in the country for God knows how long. He didn't call, which hurt me like caustic acid being poured on a wound. I sent him a text which gently admonished him for his failure to call, also telling him that while I was confused in my feelings for him, I thought that I loved him. This morning, just about two hours before he got on the plane he sent me a message apologising for not having called and saying that while he was stressed out, our last night had been a beautiful one for him. The message was lovely except that it in no way responded to my text. I just don't know what to do. I'm miserable and confused-part of me loves him like hell as well as feeling more lust for him than for any of my previous boyfriends, all of whom have been of my own age. But he has a history of emotional difficulties and has made me no promises. He said before he left that he would keep in touch(he is going to try to get back into the country when he can). I guess I just need someone to tell me no you fool, of course it's not going to work. But at the same time, a tiny part of me needs that less pessimistic voice. Silentone, what is your perspective?
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Hi,
Sorry I haven't answered earlier. Excuse aren't really adequate, but I've been busy and I wanted to give you a well thought out answer, which takes a considerable amount of time (2 sittings :P);
I'll answer my way, then I'll check what Razhie wrote, and if it's drastically different then I might comment on a few of her points at the end;
The first thing I'll look at is your age difference, 22, and he is 47. 47/22=2.1 He is more than twice your age. Sometimes I compare this to an 18 year old going out with a 9 year old, but I don't think that comparison is completely fair in your case. As you're both adults, it's legally, and otherwise acceptable for there to be such a big age gap between you. Had you lived a few centuries earlier, perhaps it would have been normal. The important questions to ask with difference in age are;
Is the older taking advantage of the younger (you)?
How long do you want the relationship to last?
Taking advantage doesn't necessarily relate to the physical (as you said, you had the best sex of your entire life) but in your case I would be wondering whether your lover has a massive emotional and experience advantage over you that he could be using to his favour.
Forgive me for my deviant channel of thought, but how much do you trust the man? Is it possible that he's pulled a "my c*ck is leaving in thirty-six hours, be on it" as an excuse to see you with some sense of urgency, but has been in the country for several months, and didn't leave when he said he was getting kicked out? Unlikely, but I suppose throwing it in there can't hurt.
The second thing that seems important to me in your situation is Joe's problem giving up his Ex from The States. If Joe really loved his Ex from the states, then he would be back with her. If she won't have him, then he should either resolve to lead a miserable life of celibacy (Or non-committal casual sex), or try to forget about her. He needs to know that, but you need to tell him in a very careful manner. The way I would put it in your case is that perhaps he does love his Ex, but that isn't a reason for not allowing himself to fall in love with you.
Eeh, let me put it another way;
Very simply, it's you or her. Joe would be very wise to know that if he can't have his Ex's love, then he should commit to you, unless he doesn't really love you. If she's not the reason he can't commit (perhaps it's just an excuse) then he should stop making excuses, and tell you what his problem is.
Really, I guess where my answer is going is that you really need to pin Joe down and talk to him about things. If you're not sure where you stand with him, and you're confused about your feelings for him then you obviously haven't done much discussing it with him. You said that the night you sent him a text message that although his answer was nice, it didn't really reply to anything you had sent in the original. That makes me think perhaps Joe was avoiding any questions.
So (seeing as my answer has gone in a direction that not even I had expected) to sum up;
Joe is a lot older than you, meaning you're going to have to deal with issues like his illness, or death. It also means he possibly has experience and emotional advantages over you when it comes to manipulation, arguing, and relationships. That could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. From my view of men, it's more likely to be a bad thing.
Joe also seems to have problems dealing with emotion (unless he's plain out manipulating you...). That means you have to be the one to make Joe help you sort the problem out. He's got to talk to you about things, and maybe it will work out. Then again talking to him could lead to realising that you were terribly mistaken, and no longer love him.
NOT talking to him is a definite option. There is a whole lot less chance of getting hurt by just letting him know the next time he contacts you (if he does) that you don't want to see him, than there is by taking to him, and continuing to hope he will reciprocate your love.
One thing that might be useful before you talk to him is examining your 'love'. Why do you love him?
Do you love him, or do you lust him? Does he make you feel secure, insecure, cherished? What is it about him that makes you feel secure? His physical presence? Is your sense of security, love, or whatever else actually reasonably based?
It's a lot harder than it would be for someone else if they knew every detail of the situation you do, but what I'm suggesting is that you just try as hard as you can to give yourself a detached reality check. Then perhaps the whole mess will seem less complicated.
It's ultimately your decision whether or not you go after Joe. I don't know half of it. My personal opinion would be that there's no harm in trying to get him to talk to you, and it could really do some good. On the other hand, my pessimistic (cold, clinical, logic....) side says that there's no real reason to bother working things out with him. "Plenty of fish in the sea" syndrome.
May you do what is right. (Ok, time to look at Razhie)
Razhie says:
"all the other things a relationship needs are only going one way, from you to him" If that's the way it is, then there are two options. -A- He shapes up. -B- He ships out.
"He isn't fighting to be with you" This made me curious. Has Joe called? What about on Valentines day? IF he hasn't called since he was kicked out of the country, then I'd suggest that's another little proof that he doesn't have feelings for you. He can't just call you up when he wants to know you, then forget about you until next time.
"You can't change his mind for him and you seem smart enough not break your heart trying." True, very. You can't change his mind. But you can let him know the deal. He sorts things out, or he IS out. It might break your heart to do it, but you can be sure that if you don't sort things out, and you don't tell him where to go it will be broken so many more times.
"...But if you don't want to do that, or know that the miraculous apperance is never going to happen, then you need to let this pain go, and him with it." - And I'll use her nice ending too.
-K
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