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I don't know what to do anymore...
Hey, I've been having a little bit of trouble this year. It seems like everything has been falling apart. Last school year everything was fine, I was, my life was. Now I'm in this new private christian school and it seems as if my life went to hell. I've become more...non innocent I shall say, doing everything thatI've always been against my whole life. Now lately I can't stop thinking about how everyone is going to leave me. Can't shake the feeling that my friends will just stop talking to me. I've caused fights with almost all my friends and lost a couple already because of this feeling. I guess i've pushed them to the limit and they did leave because i figured they were going to anyways. My best friend in the world and me...I don't know. I keep thining most of all that she'll grad. this year and i'll be left behind and she'll forget about me. Everyone keeps reassurring me that they aren't going to leave me but I don't believe them and i don't know why. I WANT to believe them but I can't. I've been missing school and just plain out crying over stupd things like my best friend doesnt have me first on her top 8 on myspace. Please help me, please tell me whats wrong with me.
Is it my fault I keep shoving my friends away from me because of how I think they'll leave me anyways so why not just push them away?
and
Why is i so hard for me to believe my friends when they tell me that they're not going anywhere and they'll always be my friend?
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Hi,
First of all, there's nothing 'wrong' with you as such. Most people will feel like you do now, some time before they're 20. However there is something wrong, as you know.
Becoming less innocent isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it depends what you do in getting that way. Innocence isn't necessarily to do with drugs, drinking, and being reckless. I'm not sure what you mean by innocence, but sometimes I think that those who are less innocent have a far greater understanding of the way the world really works. The dictionary says something like "The lack of knowledge of evil". Who can afford not to know about evil?
Anyway... It's not bad to do things that you would've steered clear of for most of your life, it's perhaps good that you're willing to reconsider things that you had put off limits.
But maybe you're talking about stupid things? Things that you perhaps know you shouldn't do, but have been doing anyway. There are certain things that even for the 'experience', should probably not be tried. Recreational drugs for instance. The idea of trying them to have fun is o.k., however they lead to dependence, even the non-adictive ones lead to psychological dependence as a method of 'escape'. On a whole they're not worth the damage they do to your life, and the people around you.
The best way to get around doing things which seem destructive to your life is to think about what you want to do, where you want to go, what your life used to be like, and then tell yourself that the only thing stopping you from having that is yourself. You really have to try for so long before it works, but eventually it starts to work, and you get back up, and understand what screwed you up so much.
The next thing you mentioned, having problems with your friends, is a slightly tricky one. I've gone through a similar problem, and eventually came to the conclusion that it didn't really matter what happened. My friends weren't 'mine', they were just people I did stuff with sometimes.
It depends most on what kind of friends you have. Do you have friends who you talk with, and they always seem to understand how you are feeling, or do you have friends who you play sport with, sometimes have a bit of a chat, but you only really know them because you share a class with them?
It really doesn't matter how much people re-assure you that they are your 'friend', and they'll stick by you unless you believe them. That's what you sound like you're having trouble with, and there could be several reasons for it. One of the most obvious reasons would be friends who are superficial, and don't really mean it when they say they'll stick with you.
When you have friends like that it's hard. The only way around it is to make some better more sincere friends, and know in the meantime that you're worthwhile. "Be your own friend" sort of thing. Really, it's not so easy to do because when you're in that frame of mind, you're not in much of a state to say that you're an ok person, but you are.
Not being on your best friend's Myspace top 8 isn't something I think is important enough to worry about. 8 people isn't that many to have on your list of 'top friends', but more importantly, your friends shouldn't rate you. I don't have a best friend anymore, because I realised how silly it was to limit myself to having only one really close friend. Of course, I've still got no best friend, no really great friends that I do tons of stuff with, but I find it's a question of importance.
Friends are important, I'm not trying to say they aren't (I think that's kind of what I was sounding like). But they aren't everything. The things that are most important to remember are that if people really are your friends they have no reason to stop being. They enjoy your company, personality, whatever. The best you can do is treat them as your friends for as long as they want to stay that way, and not grieve about losing them before they're gone. It's sort of like crying because your ice-cream melted, before it has.
In one way, it is SORT of your fault that you're pushing your friends away. But all you have to do is stop. Sometimes it's even good to give your friends a little push, because it brings out the best ones, and leaves the insincere ones behind.
It's true that you have to leave friends behind as well. When you move away, or when you stop going to the same school, friendships often fall apart. Only the very good ones remain, through letters, emails, phone calls, or maybe the occasional visit. It's good to have as many friends as you can, so that one of them is always around when you need companionship. You can't expect to stay with the ones you know now for your whole life though. Life doesn't work that way, and if you expect it to, all that's going to happen is you'll get hurt by other people moving away.
I'm not really sure if that solves your problem, it takes a lot of time to change your perspective on things. If you keep having problems, maybe I could talk to you on MSN Messenger some time. It's kind of difficult to solve problems like these without knowing what's causing them. You probably know subconsciously why you don't want to believe your friends when they say they will stand by you. Uneasy feelings? Something. It's important that you try to figure it out, because it's very hard for me to know. When you know what the real problem is, it's a lot easier to try and take it apart systematically.
Sorry I took so long to answer, I had a bit of connection trouble.
Ask again any time
-K
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