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Hi
It is almost 8am now and my head is pounding my eyes are heavy and i dont want to move. IMychildren were in bed when this went down. It was hard and the first thing he did when he came in was hug me and i started crying b/c i knew i had to say goodbye--and he knows i never use that word unless it it forever. He told me "i just dont have it" and i said what? he said "it" i said what is it? He said it is hard to explain. He said "Me sitting here now if i told you i had what i could fitin my car and i wanna come home how would that make you feel?" I said I would be happy he said "I dont have it"I said i dont understand and he said you proboly never will. There is a time in your life when you feel this is it you have it i dont. I said but you did and he said maybe i did maybe i just wanted so hard for it to be there and it never was. I dont know. He told me i was an amazing person and he is so glad that he met me but he cant see us together forever to the end and i deserve someone who will take it to the end with me. I said your just feeling this way b/c you are scared and i said i understood. He said i dont want to get married and I said neither do I he says i know but I cant keep leading you on when i know i dont have it. I still dont understand. I looked in his eyes and i didnt believe him no matter how much i wanted to. We were standing at the door and i told him I love you and i wanted to hear it one more time;and he didnt say it he just kissed me on the head (like he always did) and i said please just one more time and he said why are you torturing yourself like this. I looked at him and he said I am never coming home. I was histerical this whole time and i seen the hurt in his eyes(i really did) but then he walked outside put his hand up to the screen i put mines up and he went to his car. He sat there for a second(and he always just pulls away)and i keep saying ididnt mean it come back;come back. And i ran out to the car and hugged him and said i was sorry and he said me too. He kissed me and hugged me and i walked away came in the house and stood at the door where he couldnt see me. He backed out of the driveway and stopped for like 10 seconds and he was gone. I did tell him i didnt want his bed,tv or computer and he said i want you to have these thigns you deserve them. I said i dont wanna see them no more its too painful. He said if i wanted to insult him and tell him to take it he will have his dad come today and get it but he will be mad;he is giving me these things its the least he can do. So isaid i cannot have this cell phone he said its not a problem and i can keep it he dont mind paying the bill. I said i know butit is easy access to you. He didnt know what to say.I messed up this morning already and i texted him and said"you told me straight to my face you were never coming home,buti dont believe you. i feel this is what your feeling now b/c you need to find yourself. Whyis it hard forme to believe you? Your eyes were telling me you were saying it but you didnt mean it. This is why i cant have this phone." I didnt expect to hear from him and i didnt. I told him i dont have the ability to be able to talk to him on a friends only basis-lik ehe does. He said he wished he didnt have the ability b/c yah its easy for him but it hurts the people around him. I also said i was suffereing for his ex-wifes shit and ithought iwas a rebound and he said i would never say that. Theier relationship was dead for months before we met and I said i now and if i was rebound it wouldnt have lasted as long as it did. I am so messed up rightnow.His eyes were looking a tme like he was reaching for help--not saying what he wanted to but was saying it so i would hear it b/c it is what i wanted. He said he didnt have to come over herebut he said "i owe this much to this girl" and he said he loved me he really did he just doesnt have "it" for me like i have "it"for him. I dont understand. I guess i never will. What am i going ot d o i thought iwas doing something to help me but it didnt help--why not? He said he comes a dime a dozen i come 1 in a million and I am everything a man could wish for in a girl and is aid why woudl you leave it(and again it was b/c he doesnt have it for me and i should be with someone that can give it back to me) I did tell him if he ever finds "it" to let me know....he said i dont think i ever will. What am i suppose to do...i am so lost again and dont know Why..well iguess i will wait to hear from you...have a good day
Kristen---
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Why don't you still believe him?? You are so wanting to not believe this that you are grasping at any little thing you can in order to save yourself from not having to fully experieince the hurt you know you have to go through before youcan move on. But you are just prolonging the inevitable. Even if you feel he doesn't want this, he told you to your face so you need to try to accept it. Some part of him has to mean it, if not all. He stated that it was over for months with his ex-wife...why?? It seems as if he has had baggage for a while that he needed to let go of, but he is trying to do it now. Unfortunately he met you first instead of trying to be alone and get to know himself. I know it feels to you like he gave you the "it's not me, it's you" speech in a round about way but whatecer it was, you need to take it. You can't text him to say why?? or I love you or anything of the sort. He stated that he wanted you to have it so badly that in the beginning he thought you did but didn't. All of this secrecy about having "it" would make me want to just leave for if someone is prepared to break my heart, they had better know what "it" is that is making him do it. If not, I would just take it as a cop out because (I apologize) you have to know why youa re leaving and what made yous tay. I would thinl he was taking the easy way out of jst saying "I don't want you anymore". I would rather heat that than some craziness. Also, the hurt yousaw in his eyes was not him just telling you what he thought you needed to hear but he really didn't believe. It was true hurt..not for the relationshop being over or him not reallywanting to leave but did it for you..it was because he is human and even though you are not together, you do gave a hustory together and ut hurts him to hurt you for you really gave him not real reason to take pleasure in leaving (like if you cheated on him and he forgave you in the past..or if youwere abusive to him in the past). You were an angel to him so it hurt him to hurt you BUT THAT IS ALL. It was not because he wants to really be with you but just said those things. I think you know deep in your heart that it is over but you just don;t want to hear it from within. But you have to. Also, don;t think that he left his stuff at your house in hopes that maybe he will come back and it will be like a family again. Look at his track record, look at his past and oroject yourself with him into the future with you children. You know that if he can do this now and it hurts this badly that later it would have been even worse. You also seemed to backpedle last night when he said he didnl;t want to get married and you said you didn;t either. I know and you know, even if he believed you last night, that you eventually wanted to marry him. If you had to wait alittle while longer if it made him come back then you would have. But again, inthat instance you weren't being true to yourself. You wanted to be this man's wife and after a while, youwould have approached the subject again with him for if you looked at your surroundings, you would have thought; "okay..he has been back for "X" amount of months or years and he still doens't want to marry me? I am good enough tolive with but not marry?" That would begin to fest within you as well. This wasnlt meant to be and Iknow you don't want to hear this..but at this moment and possibly forever, this was not it. Some people are sent into our lives for purpose. It is not to end in marriage but it is meant to show us a lesson. Many times we donlt recognize the lesssons whenthey are happening or are just finished but as we calm down and reflect, we see. One lesson you should take from this is that you need to look deeper into you and be into you. Youa re not whole and you need to be. Maybe the "it" he thought you had was that you were a whole person and maybe you could have helped him to be. But from his words, he sees that you are willing to drop everything for him, be anything for him and change anything for him. (It is kind of like the beginning of the movie Coming to American when Eddie Murphy met his arranged wife and he asked her questions about herself and all her answers were "whatever you like". Not anything from within herelf that made her happy, she was a robot for him"). RE-READ THIS LINE FROM YOUR EMAIL TO ME LST NIGHT AND TELL ME WHAT IT SAYS TO YOU:
"He said "Me sitting here now if i told you i had what i could fitin my car and i wanna come home how would that make you feel?" I said I would be happy he said "I dont have it"I said i dont understand and he said you proboly never will".
Basically all that I have been saying in this email and in the others is what he was saying last night. YOU NEED TO STAND UP FOR YOU, GET TO KNOW YOU AND NOT TAKE SO MUCH STUFF. A misconception of MANY women is that a man just wants a pretty face that will do whatever he wants her to. That is not true. A real man wants a women that tell him how it is going tobe at times, who takes control, who doesn't take any shit, even from him, who will not let him or anyone walk all over them, who can hold it down and still be a lady,give him his respect whenshe is doing her thing and provide love. In the beginning, he was just getting to know the real you (aside fromthe inital internet thing) and as time went on, he began to project what it would be like in the future and saw that what he thought it would be with you was indeed not what
it was actually going to be. He is trying to move on..but when you keep torturing yourself with the texts that aren't returned, the having to be confronted with his words about it being over, your searching for hope and a future with him from ANY little thing you may see whether real or imagined, is keeping you from doing the same. The sooner you accpet his words, whether real or otherwise, the sooner you can heal.
If he doesn't have "it" for you like you have "it" for him,then don't you think you deserve to have "it" returned to you just as you give it? There is a difference in loving someone and being in love with someone and I don't know if he is in love with you...but I know he cares. But not enough to live a lie.
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