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Yet another response.

Question Posted Wednesday September 14 2005, 1:11 am

Good job on that last answer. And here I was thinking you were a woman all along (cuz I decribed my mom and you said you were a 40 year old redhead from New England...I guess that's what assumptions get me)

Anyway...I actually did do some research on the topic before I "diagnosed" her. I read the industry standard on diagnosing the disorder..lemme find the link.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
she has 6, almost 7, of the 9 criteria listed. it only requires 5 to be met for someone to be diagnosed with it. [she has 1,2,4,6,7,8 and sorta 9; when they diagnosed her with it, she was also suicidal]

it wasn't arrogance, it was just confidence. +i'm not the only one to diagnose her with it. her therapist years ago said something about it, and so did my stepdad during that phase where he's leaving but not quite gone yet. so it's me AND actualy certified therapists saying she has BPD.

the codependency is more my own wandering through the world of psychology.

oh, yes, i was messed up. i embrace the selfishness of human nature, so i took complete care of myself before i even began to care about her psychological state. i was a pretty messed up kid..attractive, skilled, smart, but still extremely lacking in the self-confidence department, as well as with social skills.

i worked on all those and did some self-help stuff. only because i have taken care of myself psychologically do i feel i have the right to judge her. i would not do something like that if i felt i was in err also. sorta a case of "Let he who is without sin throw the first stone," but used slightly more loosely. i wouldn't throw stones or point fingers until i could not have them thrown right back at me. besides, how would that look in therapy? a psycholigically unstable kid accusing his psychologically unstable mother. not good.

the mere fact that i am able to manage myself, my grades, and a would be social life in addition to attempting to handle her proves that i am responsible. however, she refuses to see that, and in her eyes, the only way for me to learn responsibility and the value of a dollar is to get a job. at the wendy's. or publics. three miles away. and i would have to bike there down a road with a speed limit 45 mph where people go 55 or 60 commonly (i know i did). and there are no sidewalks. just a speedy suburbian backroad. and all that for $5.45/hour, tops. when she makes six digits/year. i understand completely the value of a dollar. i get 10 bucks/week for lunch, and that's all the money i ever see. but that's her only solution to a problem i supposedly have.

okay, time for a new paragraph...that one was bugging me. i am refusing to get a job that i'm going to have to ride three miles each way to get to to make a crappy salary that we don't need. i mean, if we were unable to stay financially solvent without my getting a job, then i would definitely get one. but it's not necessary. but that's what she did and she walked a half mile to her job every day to sweep dunkin' donuts so that's the way that must be right. gr.

she just hates therapists, and she won't let me go because it costs money, and all of a sudden she's acting like that's scarce (and it's not, i keep up with EVERYTHING that goes on here, with her none the wiser.) and she also refuses to drive me to a therapist, which is an issue central to all of this. she's really lazy.

i'm not so sure i trust my genetics any further than my physical appearance. my screwed up mental perception of the world was a result of my upbringing, but i'd like to pass of my intelligence and resourcefullness and everything else good about me as Providence. yeah, she's relatively smart. she'll catch me in the wrong once every two or three months, which is saying a lot, because NO ONE else can at all. but it's still very rare. and also, i am in the right more often than not and she refuses to see it, simply because she is older, pays the bills, and owns the house, so she must be right.

"Find ways to really surprise your mother; throw her off balance, make her consider looking at you in a new way - and not as an opponent."

love the idea. need some suggestions tho. sounds great in theory, but can i implement it?

thanks for everything. i did not expect a response that long, and i feel a little guilty for a hastily pecked message that i typed in the 5 minutes i could sneak on eliciting it. makes me glad i entered that chat that random day.

[ Answer this question ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?

TheOldOne answered Thursday May 11 2006, 8:58 pm:
I'm sorry I never got to answer this; to be honest, it was fairly intimidating, and probably beyond me.

I'm leaving Advicenators, so if you want to reach me for some reason, please email me at Good luck!

[ TheOldOne's advice column | Ask TheOldOne A Question

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