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poem revision
I took a few of your ideas, along with other advicenators and i thought maybe you could give me an input on how u liked a few of these revisions sinec they were mostly your ideas. Let me know if you like it better or worse, or what needs to be changed to sound better. I want to get this to the best i cann <3
After spending hours on end perfecting every last detail about herself, she heard the doorbell ring. Realizing the moment she had been waiting for, for so long now, had come, she jumped out of her chair almost knocking it over as she ran for the door. Her heart had been racing faster than ever before. She swung open the door, to see her love standing right infront of her. Her heart sunk inside of her chest of in her small, overwhelmed body, and her breathing has stopped as if her heart had. Her eyes were drawn to his legs, and her eyes slowly drifted up his hot well-toned body, finally resting on his gazing bright blue eyes. He looked amazing, more amazing than she had rememebered him to be. Not a word came out of either of their mouths, both stood there completely speechless, both infatuated by their presence's beauty..
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Wow, that's LOADS better. Does it sound better to you? You've done an excellent job of showing her excitement a little more. Watch your comma use, though. Lol. For instance:
"Realizing the moment she had been waiting for, for so long now, had come, she jumped out of her chair almost knocking it over as she ran for the door."
That almost seems to have too many pauses in it. You can easily replace a couple of words and not have the repeated "for" ('cause that would bother me, I d'no about you)
"Realizing that the moment she'd been anxiously waiting for had finally come, she jumped out of her chair..."
(If, of course, she is anxious about it)
You have a couple other instances where a few commas are almost overused, like "She swung open the door, to see..." that comma isn't necessary.
"sunk inside of her chest of in her..." You've got a couple extra "of"s in there, lol. Sometimes simplicity is best, especially if everything's happening quickly.
"her breathing has stopped as if her heart had." Her heart had what? Stopped? Skipped a beat? (I personally like that saying, it's cute.) That's a bit of a fragment (part of an unfinished sentence).
Just a comment, instead of "their presence's," I'd use "the other's". That's a personal preference, though. Both work.
Other than those few things, it's loads better. I hope you don't find my suggestions to harsh...I'm extremely perfectionistic in my own writing, and I go through things and edit them like, ten times over before I'm happy.
Anyway, it's getting good! ^_^
Hope this helps!
-Siren =)
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