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sex
I have a problem i cant get over. Its that my grilfreind has slept with other guys before she met me. Ive waited my whole life to lose my virginity to a girl and to find out the girl i lost it to didnt lose her to me makes me sick to my stomach i hate breathing i cant stop thinking about it its been an ongoing problem for three years i even broke up with her and we got back together whenever i try to talk to her about how i feel she gets so defensive she says it s none of my bussiness and f you. I dont understand why she cant understand that the only thing i ever wanted in life is a girl who hasnt been around. I cant hardly sleep. she dosent understand how important that is to me. I dont know how to deal with this i dont know. Ive gone to see shrinks and therapist they say i should sleep with another girl but im not the kind of guy to cheat on a girl. I beleive in being faithful but i cant take thinking about this anymore anywhere i am its always in the back of my head. My girlfreind dosent understand my feelings all she says is i need help. I dont know how to get over this and im afraid it will never leave and its always going to be there. I feel wronged betrayed and hurt. I stop going for my goals in life to be a musician and work at a hospital i just have a regular job it makes me not want to do anything at all i hate living i hate life and i dont know how much more i can take she says it made her who she is. Im sorry but how the hell does fucking help you to make who you are. I hate her sometimes. But i love her but i dont know how long i can take this it just wont leave me alone its like a neverending torture that will never end no matter what i do im afraid it will always be there. It drives me insane i go to tears. And more and i cant take being bothered by this always thinking about it it makes me so angry that she would say its none of my bussiness when a year ago i asked to many questions and i got the answer s what boyfreind wants to know how his gf has been screwed by other men. I have no idea what to do i know more than i want to know and maybe i should have never asked but ive tried blocking it out like it had never happened ive tried playing it in music. Ive seen the shrinks and therapist s with there advice and I dont know what else to do. But i think that it isnt fair that i waited so long and maybe its my own fault i had so many opportunitys with girls ive had girls take off all there clothes for me but i turn them away and now to find out that my gf has had sexual partners before me makes me go insane ive tried writing about it even nothing works ive tried talking to everyone i can i about it there advice is i have to accept her but i dont know why this bothers me and why dosent it bother other guys maybe because there all just looking for sex in the world and thats all i dont know but i love my gf at the same time then i hate her for what i feel i was wronged out of then i look to god and that dosent work i asked him when i was 12 to please give me what i wanted and he didnt give me it so i question my religion now dont know if i spelled that write but i hate living like this i hate thinking about this theres only few precious moments i cherish when i forget about it for 5 to 15 minutes then it starts over when i close my eyes i see her laying in bed with someone else in my head and i cant sleep i constantly smoke and i will never quit because with out ciggarets i would not be able to get through it please respond i dont understand why i feel this way no other guys feel this way but i do i really take peoples feelings into consideration but for some reason i just cant get over this and i dont know what to do.
If you can help me then please say something
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Honestly, I'm not sure I can really help you, but I'm going to try. If you need someone - not a shrink or whatever - to vent to, I'm here, and I'll listen.
I'm gonna break this down into a few problems.
The first one you've got is you're a decent guy who fell in with the wrong girl.
You said yourself "i really take peoples feelings into consideration", and I sincerely applaud you for that. I think though, she went wrong in assuming that you "like every other guy" thought sex was just sex. It seems as though that's the way she thinks. Some girls think of sex as the ultimate expression of love and devotion (that's my view on it), and some girls think of it as a purely lustful act that doesn't mean anything except pleasure (that is surprisingly common nowadays).
How much did you talk with her about your feelings dealing with sex before you went ahead with it? If she assumed you felt the same way about it as she did ("sex is just sex") then she probably didn't think it was important for you to know what she'd done.
Either that, or she has some emotional issues she hasn't told you about. How much do you know about her family history? Did her mom sleep around before marrying her dad? Did her mom cheat on her dad? It could all be in the way she was raised.
I'm glad you didn't listen to the shrinks or whoever said to sleep with another girl. This girl obviously doesn't realize what a catch you are.
You may have found out more than you wanted to know, but you needed to know it. You need to know what kind of girl she is (not passing any judgements, just a statement). I mean, would you really want to (hypothetically) marry this girl and not know about her past?
Reading her basic responses to things you've asked her indicate to me that she's trying to hide something from you - either she's trying to protect you from knowing the truth, or she's trying to protect herself. I think she has a nasty past. A lot of girls that sleep around had troubled childhoods, or parental issues. Did you ever ask her why she slept with the other guys?
Maybe she slept with them for the same reason you smoke. Maybe she just felt she couldn't have handled life if she didn't have a release. Instead of taking up smoking, she took up sex. Both are dangerous, and both are "relaxants" so to speak.
As far as you talking to everyone you can and listening to their advice to "accept her," you know what? You don't have to accept her if you can't, and if she can't accept you. If being in a relationship with her is hurting you this much, did you ever consider that you could be happier without her?
I mean granted, it is nice to have someone there, but really, weigh your decisions. She's HURTING you more than helping you.
I totally understand that you lost your virginity to her, and you probably want to stick with her, but you should never feel that you HAVE to stick with her because you lost your virginity to her. I know you don't want to hear this, but there really are plenty of other girls out there who would be more understanding, and want a more sensitive guy who takes peoples' feelings into consideration.
Another problem she might have is that she might not be used to a sensitive guy, which you seem to be. She might have been abused when she was younger and she might have learned to be defensive to save herself pain, and she didn't think now. If she's used to someone she has to scream at or snap at to get along with, she's gonna have trouble adjusting, even after three years.
As far as the looking to god part of this, I believe more in fate than in god.
For instance, fate threw both me and my boyfriend some bad relationships and nasty breakups, and by the time we met each other, we both knew (know) how to make a relationship work.
Don't let a girl make you question your beliefs.
I'm going to emphasize the fact that you don't HAVE to stick with her if she's hurting you this much. You broke up with her once. What made you go back to her? Was it just the idea of a girlfriend that you wanted, or was it really honestly her you wanted back?
My relationship wasn't totally perfect a few months ago. My mother told me to take a look from the outside and make sure it wasn't the idea of him I was attracted to, rather than the real him. Check yourself.
Make lists of things about her you like and things about her you dislike.
As for her saying "it's none of your business", it certainly IS your business. You're her current boyfriend, and if you're sleeping with her you're also connected to the rest of her past...hate to bring that up, but it's true.
The first thing you need to do, if you're so completely determined to stick with her, is figure out why she is the way she is. Instead of talking to her about why it bothers YOU so much, try talking to her about why it doesn't bother her, and why she did the things she did. If you understand her, you might be able to tap into some ways to get her to understand you - find similarities.
Really though, if you're the kind of guy I think you are, you care about keeping her happy. What you need to do right now is keep yourself happy. Consider the way you are now, and the way you were without her.
Yes, you would probably be lonely without her. But you wouldn't have to deal with her not understanding you and not trying to understand you.
The final decision is yours obviously, but please take everything into consideration before you decide to stay with her or to break up with her.
I hope I helped on some level - if you want to bounce ideas or thoughts off of me, my screen name's SirenCytherea on AIM, and my e-mail is DemonIre1024@hotmail.com
I check my e-mail every night, and I'm on line almost every night.
If anything happens like a breakthrough in her understanding you or you understanding her, let me know. (If you want). If you choose not to, good luck, and I hope things improve...no one deserves to be treated so uncaringly.
-Siren =)
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