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Self-esteem problem.
I'm a young teen who has a bit of a self-esteem problem. I never feel like I'm totally secure, except when I'm with my friends. I feel like I'm fat, ugly, and just not good enough. I'm not depressed or suicidal, I just don't feel confident. I really want to gain confidence, but I don't know how. Could you please help? Thanks in advance.
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HI Honey, I am glad that you wrote. Why do you think you don' feel confident? Do you think your parents have anything to do with it. If not that is good. If they say your beautiful, and you think they "have" to say that because your their daughter, then....well that is a good thing. Because if they put you down and called you fat, all your life, you would have a really big self=esteem problem, that a short note from me could not help. So let's assume that your self esteem problem does not come from home. It may very well come from the messages that kids are bombarded with from TV, RAdio, MAgazines, Computers, books, and kids in school. Only being rich beautiful and thin matters. Anything else and you don't measure up. And it affects children or young adults more than any other segement of society. This is not reality, this is marketing. It is a plan by the marketing experts who sell soda, candy, clothes, cars, computers, news, etc etc.....they each person you see in the ads, or the news forecasters, or in the magazines, is young, beautiful and thin. And given that trio, we also assume that person is rich. We all want to be that person. I mean who wouldn't want to be the top model, the oscar winning actress, the beautiful news anchor person. We would be in demand, we would be famous, we could pay people to keep us thin, and we would be rich.
Now, back down on earth....the other 99% of us, what are we supposed to do. Go crawl in a hole and hide because we don't measure up? Of course not. We don't and we won't. Do I have an answer for you. Yes, but you won't like it. It takes times. I hated being a teen. I felt the same way you did. I wanted to be anyone but me. I never felt I measured up. I felt fat, ugly and I was sure that I was boring. (My problems did stem from the messages I got from my parents.) Maturity brings confidence. Living life and living it well, accomplishing things brings us confidence. Thinking about things other than ourselves. Brings us confidence and self-esteem. And you don't have to wait until you are in your 30's to feel this way. Confidence is the best attribute that you can have. And confidence is very very sexy, AT ANY AGE. Everyone, no matter how beautiful will eventually loose their looks, but no one can take confidence away from you. Confidence comes from always being comfortable in any situation. Always knowing what to do. And that comes from being intelligent. From taking chances. Some work out great, the others we learn from. Some of the most beautiful women/girls in the world have no confidence. Look at the girls in school who you and everyone agree are the best looking. Aren't they always looking in the mirror, fixing their hair, fixing their clothes. Aren't they always asking..."does this look OK? Does this go with that? Do I look fat in this? Does my butt look big in this" Sure you may ask those questions also, but when you hear them ask them you say to yourself, boy if I looked like that I would be happy. Well, they do...and they are not. They also don't have confidence. Very few of your friends have confidence or think they are perfect, but many of you would't think so. Look at the kids in school who do have confidence. (no not just your friends) The class president....the kids who have jobs after school. The older brothers and sisters. One thing I know for sure. The more time you spend worrying that you don't fit in, you'll be wasting on not enjoying life. You'll miss a lot. YOu can gain confidence when you accomplish things and people who are "accomplished" tell you that you did a good job. So adults are a better source of confidence building opportunities than your friends are. I suggest that you do some volunteer work. Or get a job if you are old enough. You will be good enough when you define yourself, not by the limited attributes of good looks, and money and fame, but by the things that can make us great. Like working with abused children, saving lives like doctors do, learning about the world around you and doing something to make a difference. That will bring you more confidence and self =esteem than any makeover, or hair color or weight loss. I am not saying that you should not look your best at all times. I try too and I am 52 years old. YOu know what. I felt the same way you did when I was your age, and 4 years ago, I went to my 30 year high school reunion. And all the girls that I so envied and so thought that I would never measure up to....had accomplished absolutely nothing intheir lives. They were still bar flys drank and smoked too much, and two of them had moved back in with mom. In their 40's no less. I have a career, own my own business and own my own home. And have raised two boys mostly by myself. They are both good boys with confidence in themselves. One is in college and one is in high school. They have not tried drugs or alcohol and they are happy and popular. My oldest has his own radio show on the collge campus. Can you imagine. I would never have been able to utter a word over a microphone on a radio station when I was a teenager. SO I learned the secrets to confidence and self esteem late in life, but I made sure that my boys learned them young. And they are the same ones I just told you. It really works. DOn't look to your friends for confidence and self esteem. And don't look at them to copy them either. Find something you are passionate about and follow it. Look to adults for advice and acceptance, and feedback on what a great person you are. Help out, volunteer, and know that high school is not life. YOur teenage years will be very short. There are only 7 of them. But you will be an adult for 50, 60, or hopefully 70 more years. Those are the years that you will enjoy, if you get an education, and learn some skills. Learn everything you can, and anything that interests you. You have the internet and therefore the whole world at your fingertips.
I hope this helps. WRite again if you have more questions or need more specific advice. But please give me more detail about yourself
Hope this helps, hope you didn't fall asleep reading it.
Michele
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