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Out of Control
I am totally lost at the moment. Things have gradually gotten worse for me. A lot has happened and I don't really want to go in it but basically I am very scared of an old teacher of mine and had anxiety attacks every time I saw her due to stuff that happened. I moved schools (not my choice) in the end. This was last year as I started my new school in September.
Things are so bad at the moment I am so scared of going out. I have to but I hate it, especially on my own. I have to write texts asking for her not to be there. I can't touch any doors or anything incase she has touched it.
I also get a lot of flashbacks and these are REALLY hurting at the moment. I get so scared. It has really affected my life- I can't hear certain accents or read certain books- anything that I associate with this person scares me.
I really can't take anymore. I've seen a hypnotherapist, counseller, physchologist and pyschiatrist. None have helped. I am really desperate. I want to die. It hurts so much and I have REALLY tried. I've had this for way over a year, nearly two and it all dates back to over two years. It is too much now. I have put so much effort in to it. I can't live like this anymore. I've tried everything I can think of.
The only thing I am slightly wondering about is doing something to get this persons attention - eg take pills and OD- so they might help me, but I do know that is stupid and I don't think it will work. I used to really want to do this. Now I think if I did do something I really wouldn't want to survive.
I would like to see them one final time though to prove it was real? I don't really know, but I need something. Closure. I really can't handle this anymore. I asked my school for help but although an external agency was contacted nothing has come back. I feel out of options.
Is there any input? Contacting this person is out of the question. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure you will either but any advice is apprechiated. I really can't deal with this anymore.
Thankyou xxxxx
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I've never heard anything remotley like this except obessive compulsive disorder. But you telling me that you've tried every solution possible except one remaining, you know you have to go for it whether you think it will work or not. Another problem could be that maybe you aren't being specific to your therapists and doctors, because just explaining it probably makes you feel like freezing up. I think you might have had a hard time typing this, because as you were typing you'd put, "I just can't take this anymore, its effecting my life, I need something, I need closure." You are going to need to do whatever it takes to get rid of this mental illness, its very severe, its effects your life badly, I know, and I can tell. Even if it takes for you to feel like you won't want to or feel like you can't go on. But you should get very very graphic and specific about this like you are with me, even if you write it on paper. As long as what is truly going on with you gets to someone. Print this out and hand it to your doctors, and your therapists. They will ask questions, yes, but you answering them will help you. I cannot imagine the way you are feeling with being scared of this person, but if theres no other solution, then you need to go see this person or finding a way to contact, yes, I sound crazy, but maybe if you spent time with this person, and see maybe how nice they really are, or any of that. But, I think that maybe if you wrote in response what exactly this teacher has done to scare you badly, and other things that just makes you so scared, then I can get an idea of how much trouble they are causing in your life. I'm not sure if you would be willing to type it out, but you can take all the time in the world you need and send it to me, I am really concerned about why a specific person would scare you so badly, and maybe I could find something, you are probably not going to believe this, but as I read what you say, I can feel your fear. So, I am really wanting to help you through things and get you your life back. I will give you comfort when you need it, when you are feeling scared. I will help you if you give me some details about this teacher, I will help you through it. Please do not ignore my pleading for you to write back, I am seriously feeling your pain, not all of it, but I feel it.
If not, I'm very sorry and I hope that you try really getting what you have in everyones head.
-TheTeenGirl
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