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There's something wrong with me
I am 13 years old and a girl. I doubt this is in the right category but I was unsure where it fits, it's kind of to do with everything.
There's something wrong with me and my life. I thought it was my ex but we got back together and a day later he broke up with me for the third time, I realised he wasn't worth it. I thought that having him would make it all okay again but it didn't. I self harm on and off, my family has many issues and my schoolwork has started to suffer. I am always hurt, upset and angry with myself and I am constantly paranoid. I just cry all the time and I don't know what is wrong with me. I thought I might have depression but I did some research and I only had a few symptoms. I don't understand what's wrong. I have a group of friends but only one close friend. I've started relying on him for everything and I love him to death but I don't have sexual feelings for him. I'm so sick of life, I keep thinking about coming into school with my wrists bleeding and wondering what people would say. I talk about suicide constantly. I just see no point in life, I don't want to see any professionals about this. I just want to stop and be normal. I want to know what's wrong. Sorry if this was confusing.
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At the end of my eigth grade year, me and my best friend started to make plans of killing ourselves. It was a very odd thing. We were not saddened by the fact that we were going to kill ourselves, we just didnt' see a point in living.
This particular friend was the person that I depended on for everything. We did everything together.
When I was at home, I would not talk to anyone, and didn't know what was wrong with me. I would cry often, and my mother would try to figure out what was wrong with me, but I would simply yell and tell her to leave me alone. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Everything always seemed to go wrong, I thought I was depressed, and I had no one to talk to, except of course for my friend.
I've had problems in my family forever. I have dealt with everything from taking care of my mother because she was too fucked up on drugs, taking care of her because of her nervous break down, watching her asshole husband beat her... watching my brother shake uncontrollably because of heroin withdrawel...
The only thing I am unfamiliar with is self harm. I had urges to do it often when I was younger. Every time something would go wrong in my life, I would think "ok, everything sucks, I go to school tomorrow, the next day is saturday, no one will be home, I'll just slit my wrists" It's fucked up how calmly I would think about these things.
But I obviously never went through with them. I never cut, so I don't understand how it helps to relive stress.
I'm not telling you this to make your problems seem insignificant, I'm telling you all this because you need to know that your not the only one who has felt like this.
I know what it's like to cry all the time, and have no idea why your crying. I know what it's like to want to die, and think you have nothing to live for.
Do you want to know what I think truly saved me all those times? I would think about my mother. She had already had a nervous break down because of drugs and the death of her father. Can you imagine what it would be like for her if her youngest daughter killed herself? It would kill her.
The fact that my mother would most likely die if I killed myself, made me want to live.
You are probably not clinically depressed. But that doesn't make your problems any less... It doesn't mean that you don't have a chemical inbalance. Your young... you might not want to hear this, but I'm beginning to believe that these sort of feelings are a somewhat normal part of being a teenager.
Plus your a female, so you have the joys of going through an extreme chemical imbalance once a month until your about 50 years old.
I'm not incredubly sure if all this helps, or even makes sense. but you need to know that you are normal. Your just a teenage girl. I remember the feelings perfectly.
Hold on to your one good friend. But you need to keep your other friends close too. The best friend that I told you about in the beginning of this, moved away after our eigth grade year. I was completely lost without her because I had spent all my energy on our friendship, and didn't worry about my other, not so close, friends.
But, hold on to him. You should be able to talk to him. Use each other as shoulders to cry on. If not, then keep a journal.
But don't try to hold these feelings in. Talk to someone, heck, you can always try to talk to me if you need to.
I've always found, that if you can't talk to someone, just writing all the crappy feelings inside my head down makes me feel better. Even if they don't make sense later on, it's just good to write them down. Even just scribbling madly. Make some art. Get your anger or sadness out with a pencil, paintbrush, whatever... It doesn't have to look good, it just has to feel good afterwards.
Anyway... You seem perfectly normal to me. It does get better though.
cheer up.
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