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Alright, so...
Yeah. My aunt has a pool, right? And, being the guy that I am, I'm really open to different forms of masturbation. So one of my homies sort of casually mentioned pool drains, and I was like.. "What the hell?" But he explained that, if you swim down to the bottom of your swimming pool, the drain has enough suction to really pull on the ring of muscle around your asshole. I dunno, he said it felt good. I was laughing at him, but... What can I say? I was curious! Now back to that bit about my aunt having a pool. We were invited over for a barbecue/swim, and all my little cousins were running around like crazy. But I kept thinking about it! I wouldnt get in the pool, even when they asked me to play with them. But when all the little guys went inside to eat, I sneakily climbed in. Oh, what an idiot. Nobody was watching anyway, right? Right. Everybody was upstairs on the other side of the house, so I was all alone. I swam down to the bottom of the pool, kind of freaked by all the gross crap growing on the bottom (they rarely cleaned it, y'see). But, aha! There it was. The drain. I was feeling kind of silly, but I remembered what my friend had said, and I carefully positioned my buttocks over the giant drainage hole. Phew! Needless to say, it felt GREAT. I was pretty surprised. I dont even know how long I was down there, and I dont know how I managed to hold my breath so long, but... I started to notice something. It felt like a bag of rocks in my stomach all of a sudden. Oh, but it felt so good! So I ignored the sensation. But then there was a sharp yank, and all my breath escaped into the water in bubbles. Something was most certainly wrong. I pushed away from the bottom of the pool with my legs, propelling myself up to the surface, but-- Oh, fuck. Something had me! I flailed and squirmed and sucked in a huge wash of water into my lungs before turning to glance down. There was this strange rope of tubing stuck in the drain, and it was stuck to me! So I reached down, giving it a tug. OUCH! I gasped for air, desperately peering up to the surface. Those werent tubes. THOSE WERE MY INTESTINES! I was freaking out. I was stuck, and the drain was sucking up my guts like a kid would eat Twizzlers. I could feel them leaving my stomach, escaping out my ass. --There was nothing else I could do. I grabbed on, pulled myself down, and sunk my teeth into the fleshy tentacle. I could FEEL it, strangely enough. Blood was filling the pool with dark spirals, and it didnt take long at all for me to gnaw my way free. Instantly, the remainder of my intestines sucked back inside me, like a tape measurer! And the rest.. Down the drain. But I didnt really want to worry about that part. I swam to the surface, gagging and coughing, more concerned with the thought of what I would've done if anyone had seen me. So, its been two days now since my intestines were stolen from me, and I havent eaten or drank anything yet. I'm kinda scared. What should I do, Dr. Janelle?
--Gutless.
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Dear Gutless,
I suppose I should start with the beginning of this.
It's healthy to be open to different forms of masturbation. If you don't try it you'll never know how it feels, right?
There are some thing, however that you might have to think about before doing. Like your situation. If you had come to me with your situation before your intestines had been sucked out, I would have suggested using the hose that is attached to most vacuum cleaners. Depending on the power of the vacuum, determines the amount of suction you can get. But it seems a little bit late for that.
I'm quite surprised you aren't exactly dead from this whole ordeal. Humans have quite lengthy intestines, yet that isn't re-assurance enough to not worry about what may be going on inside of you. I suggest you go to a doctor before you decide to eat anything. Who knows how much intestine is missing? If you have to shit, it just may end up floating around your body and kicking it old school with your kidneys and liver.
If you don't feel comfortable going to the doctors, I suggest buying a replacement intestine, and use the vacuum cleaner idea I suggested to cause your intestines to come out again so you can sew your newly purchased intestines back on. If your intestines get sucked out to the point where they're entering the vacuum cleaner, at least you can retrieve it easily. All I have to say is, although they sell almost EVERYTHING at wal*mart, body parts isn't their specialty. Try going to a warehouse store like Costco, they have everything you need in bulk, so if you ever lose intestine again, you'll have extra stored from last time (make sure to keep them well refrigerated/frozen)
In the meantime, I suggest you work on your sewing skills.
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