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Hungry for affection...
I looked through the advicenators web sight for someone more my age (35) to help with my situation. Luckily I found you!
I have a wonderful husband, I know he loves me. Everyone tells me the wonderful things he says about me. I know he’s faithful. Some people say, how can you know for sure? Because I do. He takes me everywhere with him and emails me constantly when we are apart.
I only have one complaint about him. He is very unaffectionate. He will hug and kiss me, but only if I initiate the touching. Sometimes when I hug him, he just stands there like, “Are you finished yet?” Our sex life is inconsistent at best (this has been going on for 5 years, we’ve been together 10). The last time we had sex was sometime in May. In the past, when I have tried to discuss this, he says, “Why do we have to talk about this, you’re just making me feel worse about us not having sex and that just pushes me farther away.”
I have learned to live without the sex. I’m OK that he is not able to perform, but I am absolutely STARVED for “some kind” of affection. I can’t talk to him about it, I can tell that he is very uncomfortable. I know I can’t change him. I hate to admit this, but if someone came along and could give me affection… I wonder what I would do… My husband has even made jokes about how I should go find someone who can do “that” with me. He says he would totally understand (Which I don’t believe) because he knows that I am starved for affection. So my question is: How can I live with someone so unaffectionate? Is there anything that I can say to him that will help? Should I just ride this out and see if he changes on his own? This problem seems so petty compared to others I have read on this sight, but that doesn't make it any less real.
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Oh how I understand. This "problem" is not as uncommon as you may think. I don't know the level of uncomfort your husband feels when you attempt to discuss the subject, but I know it must be heavy for him to start "joking" about your finding someone else. As Shakespeare said, " Many a truth is said in jest". It sounds as if your husband has already accepted the fact that sex will not be a major factor in your relationship. His joking is another uncomfortable way for him to say, " Hey, I know this is a problem for you, what do you think about this as a solution", giving you "permission" if you will. If you really want to talk to him, start the conversation at a time when it's most relaxing for the two of you, when he will be more receptive. Tell him that you know how uncomfortable it makes him, but not discussing makes you just as uncomfortable, and if he is willing to compromise, then, if you two can talk it through until youre satisfied, one way or the other, then you will never mention it again. He may let out that long, exasperated sigh that we men do when we think we're about to be ambushed, but I think he'll go along. I'm sorry I cant answer this in as much detail as I'd like, but every situation is different and I don't feel that a public forum is the best place for me to express my undiluted thoughts. If you wish, e mail me at my address cmclinphd@hotmail.com and I will answer more thoroughly.
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