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heathen issues
Dear DruidX,
I've spent some time trying to believe in Christianity, long enough to know that there's a popular and Biblically-based doctrine against being "unevenly hitched". So, when I meet fun, attractive Christians of a certain level of commitment, they may as well be lesbians or cousins or something... I can let myself love them to bits as friends, but for the most part I keep any thought of the romantic stuff out of the way. This has worked to keep things from getting messy for me and the occasional cute, committed Christian that wanders by. Essentially I've kept that doctrine by acknowledging it, even as I left a bunch of stuff I couldn't deal with behind.
I'm a 23-year old student, just to situate all this, and she's a bit older (25 or so) but also studying at the same university. We've grabbed food together, run around town with friends, done stuff in groups, kept each other honest while studying, all the rest, and she's sweet, articulate, cultured, cute, open-minded and considerate... and a committed Christian to boot. Fine, I think to myself... she's fun to be around and my (open) agnosticism doesn't seem to bother her (although we do debate the Big Issues in conversational tones), she definitely makes me feel good to share a species with her. So we hang out from time to time, chat, all that. Er, man, was I dense.
So now I have this three page e-mail printed out and read a few times, and it turns out my density has kept me from picking up on the fact that she's been thinking of me as relationship material since, well, something like July.
Fine, you might say, can't lump all Christians together, and *Rebecca doesn't seem to be in the yoke-sensitive camp. Well, you can get a lot of details into 23k of e-mail and she is in the yoke-sensitive camp and it's been eating away at her. Her Christian buddies are understandibly leery of the whole idea, and for me it kinda reorganizes everything... but she's thinking differently. I'd gotten pretty good at applying my yoking filter but she's sort of making it irrelevant... but I'd feel a little weird helping her dismantle a practice she still obviously respects to some extent. At the same time, she really is wonderful and this whole yoking thing sometimes feels like a medieval tradition whose time has come. Yarg, new and exciting dilemma... of the sort that's more fun to contemplate when it's hypothetical.
I can't honestly convert as it stands, and I won't dishonestly convert. She's not asking me to, which is to her credit.
So, I can freak out and run in circles, I can say she's wonderful but this is crazy, I can say I had no idea and ... yes!, or I can hop on the next plane to the French Foreign Legion recruiting centre and pretend this all never happened. Or I can do something more subtle I haven't thought of... you get the idea.
Advice, relevant questions or a good slap upside the head... I await your reply.
Yours spazzing out,
Dense Heathen
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
As I am not christian either, I had a little trouble sorting out what exactly you mean by "unevenly hitched" and "yoke-sensitive camp".
So what you are basically saying is that she likes you in a more-than-just-mates context, and you haven't noticed, but the fact that you are 'heathen' and she is Christian is posing a problem for you?
First off, let me quote that wise one, Anon: 'two people who are in love are often the last to know', so don't feel bad about that. Has she approched you with a proposal of any sort yet? If she hasn't you don't need to do the headless chicken dance.
Ah, wait, I just read the bit that says: 'my (open) agnosticism doesn't seem to bother her'. I'm sorry if i'm being obtuse, but then were does the problem lie? I would say send her an equally heartfelt letter explaining you had no idea and like her back [you do, right?], but are cautious of entering into somthing with her.
I hope my rambling have helped you in some way, and feel free to contact me if you need anymore help.
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