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How do I end sexual affair with my boss?
I have created a really messed up situation with my regional sales manager at work. We both did wrong but now I am stuck and not sure how to untangle it all without damaging my future. Even though I resent some things that have happened I am also not interested in causing problems for her or my company if it can be avoided.
I am 28M (Josh) and a field sales representative for past three years. I am still one of the youngest people with a territory my size and my growth and retention numbers are consistently higher than most. I work with buyers for other companies, so building strong personal relationships is important and my buyers seem to love me a lot and I work hard for them.
The person who hired me is a 38F (Vickie) and she is the youngest regional manager in our company and consistently in the top 5 people in that category companywide. She gets major recognition annually at a company event year after year. She is also incredibly sexy, very flirtatious, and wicked smart. She is also born closer.
So the problem is we have been having a sexual affair since the day I interviewed. We are both single but it is obviously totally unprofessional. For three years now we spend 48 hours in a hotel room twice a month when she visits my territory. We spend 30 minutes going over my sales numbers and projections. We maybe do 6 hours of calls on major clients. The rest of the time it is relentless sex with her in charge. No romance. Just a sex marathon.
I could try and blame her and say she seduced me or whatever but I have always been a more than eager participant so I am just as much at fault. To be honest I found it exciting and I am gym rat when not working at least partly to keep her happy with me. For whatever reason I crave her feedback on my sexual performance just as much as my job performance (which is a running joke between us).
I think I would have been hired anyway but it did not hurt she was into me and I consented to her advances. Even if I had someone else as my manager or we never had a side relationship, I feel I have proven myself on my merits with my growth and retention numbers. The one thing you could call favoritism was when a senior field representative leaves because we are in a hiring freeze my boss gets to re-assign the book of existing business to existing rep’s and I have gotten far more than my fair share of this business. It is easy money as long you take care of those existing clients. I estimate this favoritism has increased my income about 25 percent. As far as the company is concerned though, I make them a lot of money taking care of those buyers, making them happy, and doing my job well.
Here is the dilemma. I have met someone else more my age (Julia) I genuinely like at my gym. She is wonderful, we have so much in common, she is a far better person than I am but makes me want to be better. We have only had one official date but I want to get more serious. There is a lot of sexual tension even just flirting at the gym but she has been very clear she is not easy and is not going to be a “victim” of my charm,” which makes me respect her more. All the normal things I do to impress a girl she sees through and laughs at but does not seem to hold my obvious fails against me. My feelings about her are really growing. Obviously, there is no way I can get serious about Julia if I am having an ongoing sexual affair with Vickie.
I had a direct conversation with my boss, however, and she said there was no reason to stop our sexual activities and when I said I was not “comfortable” with it anymore she was very aggressive and threatened to reassign the clients. I gave in to the normal weekend of sex. If anything, she was more demanding than ever. Being blackmailed took the joy out of it, but I felt desperate to keep her happy at least for now. For the first time though I felt like the shameless man-whore I realize I have been the whole time.
If I complain and go over her head, I would be in just as much trouble. It would also be a lie to say it was anything but consensual until this last time. Plus she is a star inside our company and I am just like a baby star at best. She is more valuable to the company for PR purposes (as a female leader) and because she honestly is extremely good at her job. I am far more replaceable no matter how well I have done so far. She has allies who would help her crush me. If I quit and just walk away, I lose an incredible income which I cannot believe I am earning at my age and I am proud of what I have done in my territory. I am debt free and no one dependent on me so if I had to start over I would not be in crisis. It just sucks. Even if I had not met someone, this sexual relationship with my boss could not go on forever.
If I do get myself out of this situation, how much should I share about all this with my new person (assuming she is willing to pursue a more serious relationship than our one date)? I am also worried I may be less impressive with my current income level. I am not saying she is all about money and in fact she probably is not but I guess a lot of my ego is tied to my income at this point. I am not saying I cannot rebuild and do well at something else it is just discouraging to think about it.
Thank you for your help. Josh.
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And here's a third response to your situation. I am with Jenny and I also would recommend starting to apply for new jobs as quickly but secretly as possible. Then you leave once you get a decent offer. What you already shared about your work ethics, hard working, getting the sales, etc. and that is hard to find. Also, many people decided to start their own business or work from home once the pandemic pushed people to survive by adapting in different ways. That caused businesses to lay off workers who found better jobs elsewhere. Businesses are thrilled with people in your age bracket who work like that. They can have a great worker for lots longer due to your age rather than hiring older people who may have the work ethics and experience but are closer to retirement.
So it would be a good time for you to find a good company and you may be able to deal with them. I understand the higher pay you may have but facts sound like she favored you and gave extra clients to you, knowing you could handle and impress the clients. You can say you are great but words dont sway HR as much as seeing actual performance. So you may be able to bargain saying you will work at their pay rate offered, but want a review 6 months after you have worked there so they can review giving you a higher pay due to the actual work you have done. If they don't, work there til you find someone who sees your potential and appreciates it enough to pay you well for it. I know when being interviewed you are asked to provide last employer and why you left. Having to say you were fired is not good and that is why it is best you get some job interviews before she has a chance to do so.
You are waking up to understand what can go wrong if having affairs with a boss. You shouldn't have to lose out on future jobs because of something you had to learn in your past. Besides, sex with the boss has nothing to do with how well you work at your job so it is irrelevant. So if asked why you left or were fired, tell partial truth only. I am for telling the truth but unfortunately, doing so in this situation would kill your chance at another job. You could say you were propositioned for sex by boss many times and every time you did, she got angrier, made threats and you feared having a future working there. All of it true except leaving out that you gave in or took advantage of the invite and had sex. I have had a past female boss who was hardly ever at the small company she started. She began to treat us all more like cattle than her employees and there were many issues that made me resist her demands (no not for sex, I am married female) and it ended with a meeting with me, using phone to have a lawyer talk to us both to see if things could be ironed out. I heard that things were seeming to be in her favor so once I quit, no new job yet however the manager there had hated the work situation too and found a new job that still needed to hire an office person and mentioned me. If I had to do it over, I would find another job first Before quitting old one and that is what I suggest for you.
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Dear Mr. Office Affair,
It's not that you can't give up this affair is that you won't. If you are proud of the work that you have done then take it to another company that would appreciate your talents. You are not wanting or needing this type of stress and what you do by allowing it to happen is devalue yourself as a person and as a rep. You are looking for reassurance and satisfaction with someone who empowers themselves with manipulation and threats so even so, why would you ever want to be in a relationship with someone like that. You have the opportunity to change your life and possibly find something special with someone else. There are many jobs out there and companies that ate looking for strong talent but there is only one of you and allowing yourself to fall in this type of pattern will make you lose and question who you are. It's not about betting in risking your job or your relationship, but betting in yourself that you can move on and not worry about what someone else says or does that you think will affect your life. It is your life to live and control. Not anyone else. If you want to start a new job, start a new relationship or even a new life then do so knowing that you are living your life and not one that someone else manipulates or controls. And just because a person has power or control in a company doesn't mean they have those things over you.
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Hi Josh, as you've recognized the situation you're in is becoming dangerous. The fact the boss doesn't respect your boundaries is a bad sign. You could be regularly sexually assaulted moving forward, and your career could be seriously damaged if your boss decides she does't like you anymore.
I would recommend starting to apply for new jobs as quickly and quietly as possible. Leave once you get a decent offer. The labor market is hot right now. The downsides you mentioned are valid, and it will be hard. But keep in mind you are young, a hard worker and have 35+ years of your career ahead of you. Any losses you experience now are nothing compared to your long-term well-being, safety and self-respect. You have plenty of time to build up your career to even higher levels than it is now. Do it for yourself. Also, you never know what incredible career opportunities may come your way. You may find yourself in a better situation in the future!
It's great you are reflecting on the situation and considering the consequence of your actions. The self-awareness and maturity you could gain from this experience is far more valuable than money. The right woman will value and care for you based on these traits more than your income level. The right woman would not want you to be in this situation with your boss, and would prefer the lower income if she had to choose (speaking from a married woman's perspective who's had dating experience).
As for telling Julia, I would say wait until you get out of the situation and have had time to reflect more on what you've learned from it. Take your time to go on many dates and get to know each other. Then, if you eventually decide to start a serious relationship and ask her to be your GF, consider telling her soon before then. Don't go into much detail and keep it brief as possible while sharing the facts. Share what you learned about yourself and your values. Answer her questions. If you honestly share the situation with self-awareness and sensitivity, this can build trust. Respect her decision to process it however she needs to. For some people it could be a big deal, for others it won't be.
Good luck and take care of yourself!
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