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Guilt tripping mom
I am a 28years old married woman and the only child to my parents. I am very close to my parents, especially my mom used to be my whole world before I got married. Things have changed a little bit now as I spend all the time with my husband in abroad far away from my friends, relatives and parents. My parents have a faulty marriage. Initially after their marriage, mom was abused and ill-treated by my dad and his family (typical Indian Joint family) but after my birth my parents moves to another city (close to my material grandfather's family and their relatives) due to my dad's office posting and started as a nuclear family. Now my mom got entangled by her parents and brothers family issues. They used to involve her on every family related problem and she was made to go to their house to resolve every issues. After years of using my mom's help and wasting her energy my maternal uncles and their wives also insulted her and being such inhumanly ungrateful that they absolutely deny all my mom's contribution to bring peace in their otherwise troublesome lives. I have witnessed all these wrongdoing and mentally as well as physically taxing situations that my mom has to deal with. I tried to make her strong in giving back answers when others try to insult her. I fought for her. I have stopped communicating with so many ingrate relatives as they treated my mom with no respect. I protested for her rights. I fought many times with my dad for dominating my mom. But its been a few years now that I have started noticing how my mom tries to provoke guilt in me when I don't support her. She makes me feel that I am becoming like those ungrateful relatives who insulted and denied her contributions in their lives, that I am becoming ungrateful and like others I am forgetting all her selfless sacrifices and contribution in my life. It has become so difficult to discuss her faults with her. Sometimes I feel my dad is right in some aspects where my mom is wrong but I can't tell it to her without a heated up conversation. She doesn't admit her shortcomings. So most of the time I try to avoid discussing any family related issues with her.But she calls me up and keeps complaining about my dad and how he fails to perform his nupital duties. She asks me constantly to talk to dad as it is solely my responsibility to talk my dad into being more serious about life and become responsible. I asked her not to force this burden on my shoulder. But she makes me feel guilty for not paying attention to this trivial family issues. I am fed up. I even feel guilt when spending happy time with my husband. As I consider myself to make my parent's relationship a happy place, I feel guilty to be lead a happy life with my husband because my parents are not happy in their relationship. I know it unfair to my husband. How can I overcome this guilt trip?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Abusive Relationships?
So what I do is I look up psychology articles on how to deal with certain people. It's really hard to overcome guilt trips since I experience this as well.
I find articles on [Link](Mouse over link to see full location) to help me cope with things like people being passive aggressive, gas lighting and guilt trips. Depending on your situation that website is a great source to help you cope with whatever kind of abuse your going through- emotional trauma blah blah blah.
If you're struggling with needing the right support and not sure how to deal with it another option is support groups and counseling.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Not to get too personal but they also have a hotline available- 24-Hour Crisis Helpline at 314.531.2003. It's an excellent resource for people who are struggling at home- yes I have used it lol. It's always great to talk to a professional they can get the ball rolling and help you get on track.
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Dear Guilt Tripping Mom,
It sounds like you have been there for your mother as best as you can throughout your life. I can tell that you care deeply about her. You have distanced yourself from toxic relatives on her behalf. You have supported her when things were hard with your dad. You have done literally everything you can.
That said, the pressure on you is too much. It is not your job to agree with her 100% of the time.
It is unfair of your mother to put this much pressure on you. You are not responsible for your parents' faulty marriage. Your mother has chosen to remain with your father. She has also chosen to involve herself in other family members' issues. These are not healthy choices on her part. She also doesn't sound like someone who takes responsibility for her unhealthy choices. She cannot put all of this on you. She is going to have to deal with her own problems.
At a certain point, you are going to have to set some boundaries. At the end of the day, you need to realize that you are a grown woman with your own family. Your mother cannot be #1 in your life anymore. Being an only child can be tough. Marriage can be a big adjustment for anyone, but especially only children. It can be hard for everyone involved to adjust. Still, you deserve happy times with your husband. I agree with you that this family drama is unfair to your husband. I worry that if you continue down this road, you will damage your own relationship. It is up to you to not repeat the family pattern of broken relationships. Think about the kind of marriage you want and focus on that. Every minute you spend worrying about your relationship with your mother is a minute that could be spent building up your marriage.
Best of luck,
Little Owl
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Children have a way of compartmentalizing bad stuff during childhood so they can cope but once an adult on their own, any issues from childhood, stuff you've experienced all along, will rise up and its supposed to so that you can deal with it as an adult. In your case, those childhood issues continued into adulthood not because you are wishing them to but because family continue to treat you now as things were then, not letting you escape from all their issues.
First, I must say that regardless of what culture a human comes from, their ethnic background, we are all still human and when we have unresolvable isses, we require a professional mediator, someone licensed who has studied how to help people recognize personal things in them that are causing issues with family. And also how to work on changing that so there is peace. Unless your mother is a licensed psychologist who is doing this for family for free, they had no right to ask her to mediate their issues. That was the first wrong here. I am guessing she was guilted into helping out or given verbal hell for attempting to not do so. When family is too negative, have issues they unknowingly self create, they are going to be toxic to anyone around them. If you see toxic people on a daily basis, it is eventually going to affect you, the stress is high and there is danger of being depressed or becoming physically ill, I know because I had a situation in life where the stress daily caused me to have many stress related health issues in my body.
There is no easy 1,2,3 step program to learn how to become guilt free because though you may have a fairly healthy mind right now, the garbage you witnessed or things said to you have planted little seeds in your mind that are bad for you and these seeds will take root and attempt to stay until a professional can work with you and get those seeds of guilt in your case to be removed, you know, like weeding out all the unwanted things growing in your garden. But I would not recommend just anyone, because there are two types of psychologists, ones that have no clue, and keep doing the same treatments that don't help a person, just medicate them, or those trained in CBT which is cognitive behavioral therapy. This type of credentials is now listed with Drs. or you can ask. Trust me, this is the best way to go as they don't try to keep you coming back so they make more money but the goal is the heal you so you don't need to come back but your testimony to others and people seeing the difference in you is what will bring on new customers to a psychologist who is using the CBT methods to help heal a person. I highly recommend seeing a professional as you are not going to be able to know what tools to use in how to deal with family members when they ask you for something or say unwanted hurtful things. The healthiest minds still need to know and be taught how to deal with any such people in their life. I dont even know enough, just enough to get by myself personally and if its not family, I simply avoid those people. But when its family you can only limit your exposure to them and this isn't always possible. You'll feel much better when a professional trained in this stuff can teach you what to do in all the situations, what to say, do even how to process in your mind whats happening. I wish you the best dear. If for some reason you are against seeing a professional, then you have to limit your time with family or cut them off totally for now as their toxicity is affecting you and may unknowingly, unintentionally affect your husband and children. I know you don't want that.
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