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should i pursue this guy and how to tell my friend?
a guy that i have a lot in common with likes me and i like him too. the thing is, my friend used to have a little crush on him. she never really fell for him because once she saw him around more she thought he was annoying. now she likes someone else and has no feelings left for the first guy. but you see over time i’ve started to like him more and it’s getting harder to ignore. i do know for sure that he likes me back. we walk in the halls during school and he’s very sweet to me. i just know he’s a very good guy and i have no doubt about that. everything about him is what i’ve been looking for, from his kind and funny personality, to his looks and charming attitude. what i don’t know is how to tell my friend that i like him and what she would think about that. and if she says i can’t like him, what do i do about that. so what i’m asking is should i go for it since the feelings are there or should i not even think about it because of my friend?
and for reference we are all in highschool, same age
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Dear "should I pursue this guy, Yes! Enjoy life and pursue your desires. Go for it!
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You must be thinking of the unspoken but expected Girlfriend Codes. I looked up on line to see what was listed as these expectations and found the following link:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I am using this as a way to start from, so we're on the same page. Some of these codes are human made, not something found in laws prohibiting, or info on what is common sense, morally right.
So starting at the beginning: Code #1: Never cancel important plans with your girls for a man
Sounds good but what is considered important plans. All of this is grey area that can be influenced by personal experience. My opinion is that if its a Birthday party or some kind of anniversary or such, and can't be rescheduled easily, you go to that girlfriends celebration and eplain to your guy why you are going there instead of choosing to be with him. If he's a great guy, he'll understand and probably actually like you even more for your morals and ethics. If just a scheduled get to together but no special importance, you can skip and cancel with girlfriends and if they ask why, you tell the truth. If its not a female only get together, then ask if you can bring your beau as your plus one.
At some point, the idea is to find and stay with your chosen mate for life and sorry but your mate comes above even friends who run third in importance next to family other than spouse who run second place in importance. So if your Mom was in Hospital and you wanted to visit her, but had a previous scheduled event with your friends, do you really think they would be hurt by you choosing to be with your Mom? No, of course not. However for some little understood reason, probably a belief that came into existence before ones mid twenties when the frontal lobe of bra,in is finally done growing to mature , choosing to go out once with a guy instead over friends is frowned upon and seen as frivolous compared to Mom in hosp. scenario. Is it really frivilous...well I see things differently. Dating can be simply a socialj thing with no intent to search for life mate. However dating is the only good way to find out if you like your potential mate beyond just the initial things, like who he is deep inside and the more time spent in each others company and talking is the best way to find out. So I see dating as important as keeping a previously scheduled event with friends. If the boyfriend asked first and the girlfriends a couple hours later, you go with the one you agreed to already, the guy.
Code two Serious conversations between you and your girls should remain confidential…even to your man This is not a girlfriend code but applies to all people in your life. It is a way of wisely and correctly treating all people in your life and so things told in confidence are not shared with just friends but anyone, even your siblings, parents, etc.
The next one is where you're hung up on ...
Code #3: Your Girlfriends’ Ex Can’t Be Your Next
Dating a close friend’s ex is deemed unacceptable by females in most cases.
Notice it says close friend. This would then not apply to acquaintances. Notice also that it says friends ex, and ex means that they were in a relationship together. This has nothing to do with a guy that a friend had a crush on or whether she currently has a boyfriend or not. You stated your gf merely had a crush on him and there was nothing
else, no romantic interest from him regarding her.
This is for if you choose to follow such a rule which I find ridiculous and when I share why, I hope you agree that this code should be abolished, gotten rid of in womens minds. Heres why:
You by now should have seen plenty cases of friends or yourself where the interest goes only one way. The girl is interested in the guy romantically but he is not to her...or he is interested in her romantically but she feels nothing for him or in some cases feels revulsion.
It may not seem fair but what is behind this situation of one person feeling it and the other not, is something called chemistry. I also like to refer to it as the pheromone factor, something one can't catch an odor of but an odor we pick up on anyways that attract us to a potential mate, date. There are two things that make a solid foundation for any couples romantic relationship and one is being each others best friend. A romantic mate has only one thing different than a friend, and that is the attraction physically, the desire and romance and yes, sex. So a guy or gal can love the other as a friend and have no sexual feelings and that is normal. Its also normal to start as friends but quickly develop romantic feelings for each other where both willingly want to be romantic and sexual together. It is also normal if your friend felt attracted to him but did nothing about it or tried and he didn't respond, in which case, there never was anything if she didn't make the step to find out how he felt. If she tried leaving clues and he did not respond, he likely had no romantic feelings. Believe me, if a guy feels something like that for a gal, he'll do everything in his power to be around her all the time, even as just a friend waiting and hoping for her to show romantic interest in him as well. A guy who is really into a gal, even if not dating her currently, is not going to show interest in one of her friends unless the guy is a douchebag who is only into lust and whose panties he can get into next and for that, he doesn't need to have feelings of love, just lust. I've never heard gals say they are afraid of dating a friends ex because he wants to add her to his little black book or red sometimes, the book where he lists all hisj willing sexual contacts.
If chemistry is the reason why a relationship didn't happen between two people, it will never change, thats the bad thing about chemistry...you are stuck with what you were born with chemistry wise. You can't do anything to change it. That is why whether well to do or a guy who looked like a male model, non of those worked out for me because we lacked the chemistry and the guys recognized that as well. So its not a matter of how hot looking, or all his wonderful attributes and characteristics in the end, its having chemistry together and that can also vary from having a little to moderate chemistry but not perfect or having total chemistry which I must state is the goal if I compare the differences of what it is like to be with someone where there is only a partial chemistry. It was okay but not rewarding in the long run. So in your case, it would seem chemistry went one way between your gf and this guy, so it would nover have worked. However you have felt his attraction for you as well as knowing you have it for him. So you do not owe her any explanation or need to get her okay in any way shape or form because of the chemistry thing.
Imagine if a couple not right for each other split up but the girls gf is actually a perfect match for the guy and it isn't about him having character flawa but that there just wasn't chemistry so they couldn't be best friends as well as lovers. So you avoid the guy because your friend dated him and end up losing out on being with the perfect mate for you for the rest of your life. This just does not make any sense. The code doesn't make sense if scientifically looked at but women make up these codes because females tend to be 'territorial' and thats the only reason there are rules females created rather than learn how to work things like this out.
and this again is common sense and how to relate to all people in general. You put yourself in their shoes and know they w ouldn't appreciate being told they were wrong when they already know that from experience. This is not a girl code but a life code, how to handle yourself in life.
Code #5: If You Come Together, You Leave Together
This again is not a girl code. This is a safety code. And as in the example, its not just what might happen if a girlfriend were left alone at a party or club but you going off with a perfect stranger you hit it off with at a party. When dating after a divorce, I made sure the first time I met a guy was at a public place like a coffee house and I came and went in my own vehicle, never getting into his. Plenty of serial killers were handsome seeming nice guys at the start. even the first few dates, I met a guy using my own car to get there and him, his.
Code #6: Be the Type Of Friend That You Want
I've not heard females spouting off this one but again, I would say this isn't about being just a good girl friend but how to conduct yourself throughout life...especially how you treat your mate, bf and your friends, male and female. Since a bf or mate should be best friend material, this applies also to how you treat the guy, not just girlfriends. The only caution I have which happens all the time is a gal finding zero time for her previous friends when the right guy comes along.
Also, the perfect phrase to find out if a guy is interested and just waiting for a signal to approach you is to say, "We've been doing great as just friends. It makes me wonder how well we'd do as more than friends. What do you think? Its important to add that small question at the end or all you've done is make a statement. Since the best couple relationships start as friends, this is a way to find out if he feels that thing (chemistry. pheromones, romance) with you or not. By saying you wonder how well you'd do romantically shows you are open to the idea. Then asking what he thinks gives him a chance to quickly say it wouldn't work if he feels no romantic chemistry, only the friend chemistry. If he does feel chemistry and likes you alot but has been holding back on saying so, due to unsure how you feel or because he's shy or afraid of rejection, he will jump at the chance to supposedly 'check out how well you'd do as more than friends.
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Hold the phone here. Nobody friend or not has the right to tell you who you can be attracted to or like. That's not fair to you or anyone else. If she doesn't like it than that's on her and not for you to be concerned over. You have to take care of yourself and pursue what and or whom is important to you. In other words, if you like this person and he likes you go for it.
It sounds as though she doesn't like him and is annoyed by him so it wouldn't be an issue anyway. If she's a real friend it wouldn't be. Perhaps telling her now that he's pursued you and you want to try dating him would surfice as a courtesy and that you feel he's the right person.
Odds are she will be happy for you and not want to hold you back. But let her know you thought that she found him annoying but knew at one time she didn't. This kind of situation is going to come up a lot as you grow but as long as you use tact you will be fine. You can't hold up or not act on what sounds like a very good fit over what someone else may think. You have no control over it. If she's mature she'll understand.
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