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I'm losing myself as the days go on.
I Have been having self-destructive behaviors for the longest time, now I have really hit an all-time low in my life with these self-destructive behaviors. I relapsed recently and having cutting my wrist and now it's spreading to my stomach, legs, and upper arms. It is becoming a daily struggle to keep them hidden from people I do NOT want anyone to see them at all. My eating habits are horrendous..My appetite will disappear a lot, in the morning I don't eat go to school with saltines eat some and that is the meal of the day, it is something I do without realizing how bad it is and how it is ruining my body... I'm really at this point of, If a person hit me with their car I would be so thankful, As I'm walking around school or even laying down in my bed I fantasize about just dying, I think death as something peaceful and calming just being able to slip away into a forever sleep. I have a list of plans and dates and ideas, it to me makes me feel better. Part of me wants a successful career but it so far away from my reach that I will never be able to attain it. The only thing that is keeping me alive is my sister, I force myself to hold on painfully every day because of her.
I have been lying a lot more, to everyone and including myself. When my mother suspects that I am cutting, I seemingly lie on cue. This is so crazy to me now because in my whole life lying goes against my ethics and morals as a person, something would never do. I am scared of myself, I can lie, and do horrendous things, I can't recognize myself anymore. I truly hate myself and self-hatred is rooted in me. Everyone says I'm getting better but when I look at my bloody piece of glass and look at cars in the street on the highway and think how fast I need to jump in front of it and when the day comes to make sure I got all my school work done, is when I realize I'm not getting better, I am slowly deteriorating. nothing matters. I really don't. even if someone makes me feel guilty like " What about your family?" it flys over my head and it doesn't help on a bit. I feel like I got 6-8 weeks left before I descend from this earth, I am just at my limit. I don't want to be here anymore. For years I have been suffering and I am done ignoring this feeling of dying, comparing myself to others and their's being worst, I am being selfish for once, I think about everyone else, When I really think about my self, this is what I think.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
You are in crisis and it's good that you know this as a lot of people with mental illness cannot see it until it's made crystal clear when hospitalized. The number one thing you have to know is that the dark thoughts and feelings of suicide aren't normal. Those thoughts are not you they are a manifestation of an illness that is running the show right now.
With professional help you can silence those voices, overcome the illness and live a normal life or a much better one than you have now. It starts with stopping the lies. As hard as it may be you need to tell someone you trust immediately what you are feeling and thinking and show them the cuts, scars etc and clue them in on what is going on. It's the only way to become well.
Next even though you don't want to be there you have to go to a hospital ER and tell them these things and allow them to treat you. They may want to observe you for 72 hrs. That's normal. They'll figure out how to treat you and will know why prior treatment may not have worked. In the event you need to be there longer consider it as a rest period where all the pressures and outside world cannot get at you. You'll have access of course to family during that time.
It may take a while and some work but over time you will emerge from this a very strong person and can resume life or have one that's better than you ever imagined by following treatment. Who says you can't have the career you want? It has NOTHING to do with age or what may be happening now. If you have a goal and passion and press forward in pursuit of it you can do anything or something even better can happen.
Do the right thing and tell someone you trust what is going on and visit the hospital so their mental health team can get to the bottom of it, diagnose it correctly and start helping you overcome what's going on. All of it is survivable and manageable and you definetly don't have to die in 6-8 weeks or ever to attain the peace, joy and things you are longing for.
Know one thing no matter what that you are valuable and important to other people and have a purpose greater than you realize that will come into focus in do time but you need to get help now.
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You are fighting yourself. Would you believe that your two minds can either work closely toghether or fight each other. I am not talking of multiple personalities but your conscious mind being the one who wrote here for help while your subconscious mind is the one seeming to fight you on everything, so you are unable to stop cutting, stop hiding it from Mom and have feelings your life is worthless. There are people earning big bucks who only dole out meds for depression or mental illness when most of the time, the issues a person has come from distorted thinking. Now everyone on the planet probably has done the distorted thinking thing at some point or another. The difference is that some people like yourself, will zero in on and focus on the negative and keep mulling it over in your mind while others just stop it in its tracks and tell their self they will not entertain such thoughts and not live their life in fear or self hatred. The people who focus on negative distorted thoughts are considered those who need to get out of their heads. Nice knowing that but there is a lot to it to do so successfully. I will share what I know and hopefully you will then have a idea what needs to be done.
(SM) for short will mean Subconscious MInd. Your SM is aware of all that goes on for you every day. It is child like in its understanding of things so when it sees you focusing so much on negative distorted stuff, it believes its merely because you have an interest in and want more of this. Logically, why would someone entertain terrible thoughts if they in fact did not like it at all. It starts innocently, and gets way out of control. If you don't believe the SM's role, it is what helps you do routine things without having to give thought to it like blinking your eyes and taking your next breath. It seems to also be where much of our feelings and emotion comes from. Good thoughts good feelings, bad thoughts and bad feelings. An example would be watching a movie that makes you so angry at the character you feel adrenaline going or one so sad you actually cry. Why, those are just actors and scripts and not real but your SM is watching when you do and takes this in as being real and the emotions flow accordingly. What I read once as an example was saying a woman who fears being raped and that is all thats on her mind all the time, well...her mind might cause it to happen. It also could be just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But the article said that the chances of it happening increase when the SM picks up all these thoughts of rape and thinks the persons is focusing on this becauese it is something you really want to go through. The SM mind then works on you to help you make bad decisions where rape could have been avoided, but making bad decisions, like parking too far away from a door so you have too far to walk later in dark, walking in shadows and close to dense foliage instead of out in open, and so on. I got training at work once from a police officer talking to females about what they can do to avoid being a target. I am just saying when the SM is fighting against you by planning to bring on something you don't want, these kinds of things happen same as with you, something started the cutting and should have been addressed and worked on long ago. Now you don't feel too good about the cutting but keep it up. YOu can't stop becauase your SM thinks this is something you want and crave, even if at somej point in the past you thought it was a good idea but no longer do. Your SM is likely much like mine in that it almost acts like another person inside of me that I either have to fight with, or become friends with.
I chose to befriend my subconscious but also no longer just drag it along for the ride if its unwilling, like going to the dentist. I told my SM it was not time to leave for the appointment yet so its not timed to get worried or anxious, once at the office I say its not time to be anxious cus I am only checking in. Once I am getting exrays done, I tell myself that theres no reason to get anxious yet as its only xrays that don' hurt. When it comes time to be worked on, I tell my SM that the moment I think I feel something a little, I will signal the Dr. for more nerve deadening shots because I know that is what my SM is most afraid of. I don't think bad thoughts of dental work and develope a phobia of it. Distorted thinking left alone too long can turn a person towardsa mental illness. But it doesn't mean you are imbalanced and need meds for life to have a normal life.
So the advice to get out of your head is a good one but you need to be willing to do the hard and frustrating work of retraining your SM if you are serious about changing your life for the better, making goals for your future. Yes the economy is bad and jobs hard to find even with college degrees. Have two children who couldn't find work with their degrees, Medical assistant and CG animation. So I might suggest you looking into trade jobs as there is a great lack of potential employees as everyone is going to college for white collar jobs, not getting the job and taking any old job just to pay off student loans Once your mind is healed, you should be able to get into a trade school and there is help for tuition from the MikeRoweFoundation for trade schooling. But first things first. To get help with your behavior, destructive things you do, hateful thoughts of yourself which lead to not caring if you live and entertaining thoughts of death, you need to do something even if you don't feel like doing it or that it won't help. Thats your distorted thinking talking. You can't listen to anything negative but reach out for help. Tell Mom to start. Parent would rather know stuff like this than be kept in the dark. My oldest told me she suffered depression while in HS and yet she was good at hiding it. I was closely involved in each of my childrens lives, available to talk to for advice on what to do with problems from when they were in Kindergarten and on. So while two kept up telling me problems, the one did not. If she had killed herself, I would have been devastated and blaming myself for not seeing something that none of the symptoms showed. She eeked by until having a baby when she also got post partum depression so bad she had thoughts of killing herself or the baby and she knew this was wrong, and being older she didn't want to keep depression a secret any longer and told me. I went with her to a Dr. back when I did not know about CBT yet. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is what works best curing people and for 90% of people, drugs are never needed. This is because pretty much a great majority of any mental issues, depression and suicide as an outcome are avoidable if one seeks out a mental health Dr. trained to do CBT. So if I were you, I would ask for help from Mom. Don't let her be one of the people grieving and hating herself if you commit suicide. You can't wait because there is no way to know what it the point at which you might try.
I do understand in part about not recognizing myself. In a first marriage that was verbally abusive, I did whatever I thought would earn his love and respect and kept changing so many things about myself, droppings things I used to do. No I wasn't mentally depressed...stressed by the situation but not depressed. However some time after divorcing him, I read the diarys I filled in as a teen and realized I was no longer the person I was as a teen, had changed to be someone who wasn't my own true self. SO I decided to make that road back. Life if hard hon, it isn't easy and it seems more bad happens than good but that is the struggle for our souls and like diamonds being created in the earth by great pressure applied, as souls we undergo great pressure in life to have the opportunities to do the hard thing, to strive to get ahead, learning along the way to do the better or higher thing, which make our souls become more like our maker with each little thing we learn. So regardless of how you feel now, give it a chance, but insist on CBT. I will leave a website on CBT, by the first Psychologist to get so interested in this as it cured all his patients and quickly too, not yeaers of talk theray or meds. He became trainer to all Drs on how to use CBT and author for people like you and me to read and get hope that there is hope. Heres that site to show Mom.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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I can totally relate. It comes and goes more or less but gets really bad sometimes. Focusing continuously on negative things can take you to some dark places. You need to get the hell out of your head. Most people, are way more harsh on themselves, than others. They see themselves as bad people but others more often than not, see the good in them. Sometimes when I'm hating myself, I'll look at myself objectively, as if I was just a friend, and I wouldn't think that guy was a bad guy, even if I knew the shit that goes on in his head. But he hates himself and punishes himself so much. I'd be sad if he died, especially by suicide. I think part of it is a habit. And feeling bad about yourself, feels like home more than being happy. We just hold onto and entertain negative thoughts to the point that they break us. We identify with them as if they 'were' us. We tell ourselves this story of doom and gloom and we believe it to the letter. It can get really bad, I know. I think that's most of the problem. Your life probably isn't THAT bad on the outside, but you tend to dwell on the shitty parts of life, so that's all you see. A belief is a thought you keep thinking, but it needs evidence to support it. So, your brain will unconsciously look for evidence that your life is shitty and will always be finding reasons.
So, find ways to get out of your head. Go for walks, preferably in nature. Exercise. I don't like exercise, but I never regret doing it once I'm done. Its just hard getting started. Look up youtube videos of breathing exercises, guided meditation. (There's a really good kunalini guided meditation on youtube) I know it sounds cliche' but I guarantee it would help. We create our own personal hell with our thoughts. Once we can separate from them, and not identify ourselves with them. AKA see those thoughts as "us". Then they have less power to influence us into negative thinking.
I once hated myself for something I did. (which, it turned out to not be such a bad thing after all) But I thought I was a real piece of crap for doing it at the time. So I tormented myself for years, to the point where it was affecting my health, as chest pain. What ended up working for me and I mean %100 free from that burden, was a guided meditation I did about forgiveness. You can forgive anyone, including yourself. So, I chose to forgive myself. The whole thing took less than an hour. And after I was done, I literally felt lighter in my body and just happier and just wanted to smile, I hadn't been that happy for a long time. It was really incredible that such change could take place almost instantly and so completely. The chest pain stopped immediately too. As far as I can remember, you get into a meditative state. Then, then you bring up in your head the feeling or the thing you wanna forgive. Feel it as if its something in your body, but not part of you, imagine it separating from your body and in front of you. What would it look like if you could see it? Imagine it, there in front of you in that void. Now make it flat and on a picture frame, so now its not the thing, its just a picture of the thing, and it starts to lose its power. Its just a picture of it. You can just observe it without it having any power over you. Now, make it black and white. It looks older and older. Like a distant memory. Then it starts to fall back away from you, slowly watch it drift away, further and further till you can't see it. Breathe a couple of times in that void where that thing used to be. Turn your attention to forgiving yourself completely and that you deserve that forgiveness and another chance at happiness. Really feel being absolved from those things that burdened you and truly forgive yourself. Meditation can be a powerful tool. Don't underestimate it.
Also, your diet. Your diet has a lot to do with your mood, so at LEAST eat, even if you don't feel like it. This is coming from Jordan Peterson, a clinical psychologist. I HIGHLY recommend looking him up on youtube. He covers this kind of topic a lot. Depression can take you to a dark place and it leads to nihilism and worse. And has really good life advice. Applicable life advice. I'm sure you'll find something for you, his target audience is young men. But don't let that discourage you if you're not a young man. a great book is "the power of now" by eckhart tolle. Its really good for getting out of your head and seeing things objectively. Also, sunshine helps with depression. But that'll be covered if you walk. I walk a few times a day and I feel better than when I didn't do it.
I've felt similarly to you for a more than a decade. My life improves inevitably, then sucks again and improves again. So, maybe it'll be the same for you, you just gotta keep going. I found that finding new work and changing things up helps. If you are always in the same environments and do the same things, there's a much higher chance that you'll think the same things and feel the same ways. So change things up if you can, get out of your routine, try new things. I don't think you really WANT it to end, you really just don't want to struggle because you think its not worth it, you're not worth it. IF it was worth it or you were worth it, then you would try harder to improve your mental state. So that you could get that better life you want. You gotta find some way to make it more worth it. Worthiness too is a weird thing. Who decides if we are "worth it"? Ultimately ourselves. So if you feel unworthy, what would it take to make yourself worthy of happiness? If you did shitty things in the past, its time to forgive yourself, forgive yourself for the cutting, forgive yourself because once upon a time did or said something you regret. Forgive yourself for not being better in this way or that way. Its time, noone wants to see you dead, not even you. You just convinced yourself that that's the only way out of this misery, a misery we mostly create ourselves, in our head, every day. All we see is the way out and not the road ahead.
I have also been experiencing some tougher than usual times lately. And I saw a video talking about how these last few days/weeks have been hard for people. Weird. Like everything, this too shall pass.
This next part is an answer I gave someone a while back that was in worse shape than you, he didn't give himself as much time as you did. If you are ever really need to talk a to someone trained in this type of thing call them, you should before you do something drastic. You have nothing to lose. Your sister would be devastated if you killed yourself. So give them a call, you at least owe her that. Like I said, this next part is an answer I gave to a guy that really thinking about suicide, a while back. If you wanna see his question, you can find it in my advice column, (you can find the word "hotline") Look up jordan peterson advice on youtube. I'm sure it'll help a lot.
"...There's 24/7 suicide hotlines with people trained to help people like you. 1-800-273-TALK (8255). When you call, it says it'll play music while it reroutes you. You'll find a lot more help by talking with them as opposed to just asking for advice here. Life can be hard sometimes. Don't give up. Call them when you're feeling like doing it.
The thing with suicide is that we don't know for sure what's on the other side. Most religions say its about the worst thing you can do and you pay for it in the afterlife. If we just re-encarnate, there's no telling if the next life will be any better. There's lots of books that can help you change your state of mind, like "the power of now" and "the 4 agreements". Our life is what we think of it for the most part. I'm sure there's people way worse off than you that don't want to die. I'm sure there's people way better off than you that do want to die. Its what we choose to focus on. If we just focus on shit, all we will see is shit. I know its not easy to change the way you look at things, its gonna be a slow, gradual process. One thing that help, when I can remember, is "Never finish a negative thought." If you start complaining about something you don't like, don't finish the thought. If you finish it, it has way more power."
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