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I dont know how to let my mom know things need to change.
So....Its alot so my mom has been ill my whole life and when I was little, I saw her as my hero that she could do no wrong and my world revoled around her..I would have a gut feeling about some of her actions... but I couldnt possiablely go against her because she was always right...So as Im getting older I'm starting to realize the things she use to do would influence me... She hates my dad when I was little she would talk about him about an hour and make him like this evil man and things including my grandmother, who had taking care of her when my mother was extremely ill. My grandmother made her food and cleaned did a lot...My mom would talk behind her back since my grandmother has dementia and says the neighnbor are doing meth and things.. which keep in mind she cant. I love my mother and have come into terms that I cant change her; I can't make her happy or a postive person... It hurts to even say these things but I'm becoming my own person I'm growing up things need to change..She probhits me from spending time with my father... she doesent give me an explanation. but I know she is scared... but people change, grow...My father is sucessfully and happy with his life and our relationship has gotten so much better. and I feel like my mom doesn't like that..she still thinks on the past has her past mindset....Its sad honsetly... she tells me how I hurt her feelings and how hard she works to make me happy and things just because I say I want to go to my dad's house since its a bit calmer over there. I feel bad, that I just want to get away from her I truly do sometimes because I wind up getting in her negativity. she says she isnt negative she being reallistic that she says that I wont be able to move out because of rent... making feel horriable that If i dont even try I will be stuck in this place with her foever. What do I do? how will I be able to live on my own? not let her affect me so much? Be my own person?
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Your Mom is living in the past and is not willing to forgive and move on. She doesn't have to talk to or have anything to do with your Dad to forgive, it is something she needs to be willing to do in her heart. People who do not forgive, don't end up hurting the person they are mad at, they hurt themselves and their life keeps getting more and more miserable. I am sad for you that your mother is like this. Since change has to come from the inside, only she can decide to want to. There are no outside influences that will persuade her now if after a decade or more, she hasn't come to that point by simply hearing some constructive words. So there is nothing you can tell her.
This is not a healthy place for you to stay, even as a young adult. I know all about how such an attitude can effect you. You might not become like her, but the stress of having no peace at home and constantly hearing the negative stuff that comes out of her mouth can affect your feelings where you became melancholy, stressed, maybe even depressed. The fight to remain normal despite the terrible energy she puts out there, is a stressful one and stress has to go somewhere, so it will affect you long term with health problems or affect you just emotionally and mentally. I was in a bad relationship for almost 30 years with an ex husband who was always negative but it was worse than just that as well. So I understand in some way what it is like for you to live under that.
I also understand that in todays economy, it is nearly impossible for young adults, in college or even working a job, to be able to afford a place to rent on their own. So I see how there are many living with parents. You already said you would like to go stay at your Dads. The thing is...does he know this? He needs to also know why, even if you have to share how it is what your mother is doing that is making you want to get away. When a person is desperate enough to want to get out, eventually a solution will present itself. My oldest child had the beginnings of mental illness when after graduation she wanted to get out of the house, not because she had it bad at home, somehow in her thinking, being on her own, or at least no longer in her parents home was imperative to her. So she mentioned the need to find a place, at her church, she was just starting a job but didn't have enough money or income to afford a place. A woman in church volunteered for her to stay in a spare bedroom, rent free for about a year, until she needed that room again. It gave the daughter time to round up a group of friends or friends of friends who also wanted to get out on their own but couldn't afford without sharing so she moved then into a roommate situation where she was one of four. Your Dad might be a chance of a place for you to go, temp or for as long as you need. But if its not possible, you may have to start checking with other relatives, like any aunts and uncles in the area or cousins also looking to get out on their own, or I have even mentioned checking with the parents of your friends who may bew away at college and ask if they have a spare room you can stay in and pay them a little. No one will automatically say yes easily unless they hear the circumstances. When it isn't just a 'want' or yours but an actual need, more people may be willing to help you out. I do feel its in your best interest to leave Mom. If she begins calling you umpteen times a day to check on you, you'd have to block her number, or get a new one and don't give it to her, but you can stay in touch by phone where it is much easier to end a bad conversation by simply hanging up. Let Mom know you love her but can't put up with the negativity anymore. Her negativity has pushed you away from her. You need to keep peace and sanity and stress free and that wasn't happening with her. She may say stuff like, I knew it, I just knew that someday, even my own daughter would abandon me. Or she may come up with something else hurtful.
What she really needs is a mental health professional, because there are things she is doing that she is doing to herself with bad thinking, negative and distorted thinking that a professional can diagnose and help.
You are not such a professional. You can only suggest she go get help.
I will tell you that my ex had some kind of mental illness. He went to a Dr. bur only for a short while, pretending he wanted to get better just to keep me but told a friend, I overheard, that it is just a pretence because he knew he had no problems and that I was the one with problems. I talked alone to the Dr. several times and learned what he discovered, that as a child, he overheard the Dr. tell his Dad that his Mom who was in the hospital might not recover and die. She recovered but in his mind, he still feared that she was going to find another way to leave him. As he got into puberty, his interest in girls increased but he wasn't able to have a good relationship because that old message was still playing in his head, that every woman now, not just his mom, who was important to him, would leave him at some point. Eventually, he forgot about Mom and focused only on girlfriends and of course myself, the wife later. When girlfriends did not leave him and I did not leave him, he began acting in ways and treating them horrendously so that they would leave, Then when he saw that, he could tell others that they left him and thus have created his own self fullfilling prophecy. He was treating me so badly the stress caused me to experience medical issues, like headaches, migraines, rashes and ulcers to name a few. Eventually I left when God told me i could stay but due to the stress, had only four years left to live, or I could leave now. Imagine hearing such a thing from anyone let alone from what I believe was God. I left. And he told all sorts of terrible stories about me to whoever would listen as a friend of mine wrote me after I left. So for your own sanity and health, you need to get out sooner than later dear. I hope things work out for you.
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Well the first thing is that your mother don't want to let you go and be alone. You are your own woman now. It's hard to let go she talks about your father because she didn't not want you to love him, to be close to him because of what they went through, so she thinks that since she hates him so much. Your grandma did a lot when she was I'll and she don't appreciate it her lost
You make your own decisions it you want to live alone then do it
Get to know your father your mother is going to continue to be negative that was her life with your father negativity never prosper. Enjoy life do all the things you want keep up with your grandma two wrongs don't make a right.
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