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Feel Like I Don't Matter
I don't really know where to start, so I'll just jump in. I really, really, REALLY hate myself sometimes. I'm a 31 year old college drop out, I have a dead end job that my mom got for me after I'd gone unemployed for a while, I've never had the balls to go after my dreams because I'm afraid I'll just screw them up like I screw everything else up, I can't emphasize enough how I screw pretty much EVERYTHING up, I have no useful talents, and I feel like an absolute nothing. I wonder sometimes why I was born in the first place.
I think what feels the worst is feeling extremely unloved, unwanted, and unimportant and having no one to talk to about it. I have a terrible relationship with my father, and I'm afraid I'm about to have one with my sister (my only sibling) as well. My mom loves me, which is great and nothing to take for granted, but I feel like no one else really cares. My dad's made it clear that I'm a disappointment to him and he and I have very, very little contact these days because his life revolves around my sister and nephew and he ignores me. When we are around each other, he treats me like his own personal human emotional punching bag. He gets angry extremely easily and takes it out on me. He'll get angry at my sister, but won't say a word to her about it because he wouldn't dare risk hurting her feelings or anything like that. Instead, he comes after me because my feelings don't matter to him and he doesn't care how he makes me feel by attacking me when I haven't done anything.
I feel like, aside from my mom, everyone who has ever cared about me much is gone. I had three grandparents who used to make me feel loved who have all died. The only one that's still alive ignores me like my dad does. I had this old school counselor once who I saw once a week from the 7th grade to the week before I graduated high school. She was a very sweet, loving, Christian woman who was the first person outside of my family to tell me she loved me. I was walking out of the room where she and I met at the time and I actually went straight across the hall to the bathroom and cried when she said that. It meant so much to me. But she died nearly three years ago. I feel like any friends I've ever had have moved away and I have a hard time making more because I'm so overly afraid of being judged as a loser that I don't let people that close to me. I feel like I make bad first impressions anyway and that also makes it hard to make friends.
I feel unsafe talking to anyone about this because when I've tried in the past, people have shamed me hard for my feelings and made me feel like I could never open up to anyone ever again. They don't listen, they ignore details, they put words in my mouth when it comes to my feelings, they let their own past experiences cloud their judgement, some of them yell at me, they call me whiny, they shame me, they make me hate myself more than I already do, and worst of all, they make me feel more unworthy, unimportant, and insignificant than I already do.
I didn't have a great 30th birthday. It was alright, nothing to complain about, it just wasn't special. My dad and sister ignored it, which hurt because I acknowledged and helped celebrate my sister's 30th and she actually planned our dad's 60th. It didn't sit well with me that after I did that for her and after she did that for our dad, showing that she does care about some people's milestone birthdays, she just ignored mine, showing that she didn't care about it. When I made the horrible mistake of expressing my feelings about that, people shamed me, called me self centered, and made me feel like I wasn't worth my sister's or my dad's trouble anyway.
Speaking of my 30th, my mom felt bad that she didn't make a bigger deal out of it as she typically goes over the top for birthdays, especially milestones. I told her that she did well on my 30th and didn't need to worry,. But she still felt bad, so she asked me what I wanted her to do to make it up to me. I said I didn't want anything, but she kept asking. SHE wanted to do something for me, SHE asked me what I wanted, so I came up with one idea. We had several movie nights over the course of a long weekend. I'm a big nerd when it comes to movies, especially scary movies. The ones from the 90's are my favorites, particularly the Scream trilogy I call it a trilogy because that's what the creators meant for it to be. Scream 3 was a perfect ending to the series and Scream 4 was an atrocity that should've never happened. This isn't relevant to my problem, it's just something that really pisses me off. Anyway, I stayed at her place that weekend and we watched the Scream trilogy. When I made the mistake of mentioning this to anyone, the next thing I knew, I was being berated for being emotionally manipulative for "guilting" my mom into doing this for me even though SHE was the one who said she didn't think she made a big enough deal about my 30th, SHE asked me how she could make it up to me and I at first told her I didn't want anything. This makes me feel like everyone always thinks thinks the worst of me in every situation, which makes me have a hard time not thinking the worst of myself.
Everytime I have a moment of any kind, my sister takes it away from me. If I lose a bunch of weight while she's struggling to do so, she gets mad, calls me a bitch, and makes me feel guilty for it. If I accomplish something, she puts it down and makes her accomplishments seem better. If I celebrate some big event in my life, she finds a way to make it all about herself. I can't vent to anyone about this because they'll just defend my sister and say that if it makes her feel better to do this, then there's nothing wrong with it. However, if I ever did the same thing to her, I'm the devil in the same people's eyes.
Another example would be when my maternal grandfather was in the hospital having surgery to repair a ruptured bowel. His chances of survival were very poor and I was alone in having to deal with the stress of his illness all day that day. My mom was out of town at the time and was trying to get home, but it took her like sixteen hours to do so. My uncles we're trying to get here as well, but the only relative of mine who could be with me anytime soon was my paternal grandmother (the one who doesn't care about me). Someone called her and suggested she come down here to be with me since I was alone and scared out of my mind. She called me to ask if I wanted her to come to town (she lives less than an hour away) and I said yes. She sounded disappointed and put out, but claimed she'd be here soon. Then, she called back several hours later and said she wasn't coming. If I open up to anyone about this except my mom and maybe my sister, they ask me what I did to my grandmother to make her care about me so little or accuse me of being too passive and not letting her know I wanted her here even though I specifically told her I did. Despite some relatives not being there for me when I need them or when I'm celebrating something important to me, people tell me I'm stupid for caring about those things or thinking they give any indication of how much those relatives care about me. They may be right about the birthday thing, but when it comes to the story of my grandfather being in the hospital and my grandmother not coming when I asked her to, I can't believe that this story does not indicate that my grandmother doesn't care about me very much. I mean, maybe if there was a reason she couldn't or shouldn't come to the hospital, I wouldn't feel that way, but there wasn't. She just didn't want to come. Aside from some people claiming that people can treat me this way and still love me "more than I will ever know," others have called me self centered for wanting love anyway and make me feel like I'm not worth it.
I want to be married someday and have children, but a few people have recently made me feel like I wouldn't be worth a damn to my family either. Some man stated a while back that dads were better parents than moms. That bothered me, so while searching the internet like an idiot to try to find something expressing equality between parents, I found a couple articles claiming that fathers are more important than mothers and one claimed that mother's aren't important at all. That they have no impact on their children at all unless it's a negative one, such as if they're abusive. Now, I know people can be morons and the internet is full of them and that I'm probably a moron for looking all of this up. I also know that whoever wrote that article is probably some butt hurt dad that gets pushed around and made to feel unimportant by his family, causing him to feel insecure and feel the need to make dads more important than moms, but it still bothers me. It makes me wonder how much my kids would need me if I had any. I also wonder what man would ever want to marry me. Everytime a guy seems interested in my, part of me almost judges him for being interested. I think so little of myself that I can't see why anyone would like me.
I hate people for making me feel so unimportant, but at the same time, I feel like anytime someone does seem to care about me and want to listen to my feelings, I don't want to tell them. I feel frustrated because I have all the feelings I've mentioned and more, but while my mom's asked me to confide in her, she tends to interrupt me when I try to. As for other people, I have this odd, incongruous feeling of being irritated with them when they ask me to talk. I can't explain it. I want so bad for someone other that my mom to care about me, but when someone does, I want to ask them why. Why do they care? Why do they want to hear about my feelings? Why do they think my feelings matter? Why do they think I matter? I don't get it. And I know I'm insane for feeling this way. I'm grateful when someone shows that they care, I really am, but I've been made to feel like I don't matter for so long that it causes me to feel this way and have no idea why I would feel this way (I hope that makes sense).
Lately, I've been having dreams about my future. I had a dream back in March that I was married to a great guy and that I'd just had a baby boy named Roman (my favorite boy name). I had a dream another night that Roman was grown and was so sweet, charming, and handsome and was taking care of me and showing concern for me when I was sick. I had a dream that I'd had a baby named Aaron and he was so cute I wanted to eat him up, but when I wake up from these dreams, I feel that I don't deserve the things I dreamed about. I had a dream last night that I shot myself and it scared the hell out of me. That's why I'm on this site today. I don't think I'd ever actually commit suicide, but that dream really scared me. Does anyone have any advice for me about how to handle these feelings?
P.S. Sorry this wound up being so long.
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Wow. You had a lot to get off your chest. I would begin with learning to love and respect yourself and others will follow. Boost your self-esteem and confidence and other people see that in you. For starters, next time you go into a store every person look them in the eye and say hey how's it going. And then ask the cashier how's your day been? And then when you leave the cashier say take care. And then look at everyone as you're leaving the store and say hey how's it going or just simply High. That will give you confidence and you leave the store smiling. Just try it one time and see how you feel.
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Hi There. Just read what you wrote and also Aarons answer to you. Thank you for shariing the details, it helps me see the bigger picture. And Aaron did say the right things. He knows what he's talking about having lived through some of the same experiences.
You and your sister are adults unless she is 17 or younger and I very highly doubt that. Unfortunately, as kids, you had no way to escape a dysfunctional Dad who created a dysfunctional family. So as kids, both you and your sister did not have the benefit of the kind of father a child feels safe to explore life with, etc. What I will say is that your Dad had a choice to not let how he was treated growing up, to continue on to you. You did not mention physical abuse but it sounds like some verbal abuse mixed with impossibly high expectations, a mind with preset ideas of children being a nuisance. You've heard possibly an old saying of 'children should be seen but not heard' and that is messed up. Your father I am pretty sure was treated as badly as he treats you by at least his Mom. The paternal Grandma you mentioned sounds so cold and heartless, not just to you but her own husband. I don't know if he ever mistreated her for her to not worry or care he was in the hospital. There is something really wrong with her. She isn't normal. Lets say he was a jerk to her. Then she should have left him but she didn't. You did say the other 3 grandparents loved you. So I am pretty sure the Grandpa in the hospital was a good man and that it was only that grandma. She was likely also mistreated and grew up in a dysfunctional family. I know from reading, that doctors have found that if a parent was abusive somehow, then their children are likely to grow up to be abusive to their own children.
The reason they say that is that whatever distorted stuff you have to deal with as a child will mess with your developing mind. Children who are abused or come from dysfunctional families or whose fighting hateful parents divorce, will as kids and also as adults think that somehow it was their fault, that there is something wrong with them. In a sermon at church, talking about how God can love us even if we don't really know Him much or at all, was described with new parents with a baby. Normal parents just love this little baby so much, something like what you dreamed of. The key here is that a newborn is helpless, can't do anything for the parents to earn their love, is very needy and needs everything done for them. This is how it is for many and how it should be. God loves us too without us having to earn his love. However some parents are messed up and because they don't go get help as adults when they are finally in charge of their lives, they will continue to be a mess and create more messed up people if they have children. I guarantee you if you were always loved, didn't have to earn it or prove it, still loved, even if you did mess up, then you would not be questioning whether you matter or not. I am going into length to come to the same suggestion Aaron made... you don't have to stay this way. You can seek professional help. You don't need medicine so if a doctor shoves that at you, keep looking for one who really wants to help you get better. You are a victim, you are not the problem. Victims need help.
I used to have social anxiety. Basically it was my having very distorted thoughts about how people would react to me. I was afraid of being teased, etc . . . when I had loving parents and no bad situations to feel that way. I was like that from as young as I can remember. I am not now. But I am sharing to tell you that back then, the thoughts I had, are turned into silent signals, like radio waves that go out and people around you pick up on. The negative reactions you are getting when you make a simple comment and other such problems, are not so much about what you are saying or doing but people reacting negatively because they are picking up negative signals from you. This happened to me. All the way through high school I was scared of people and thought the worst of them so they picked up on it. Though they wouldn't know consciously why they didn't want to make friends with me, I usually had only 2 close friends at any point in time), they stayed away. Once I was a HS graduate, I knew I had to get over this or my life as an adult would be severely affected. So trust me, other than your Dad or his Mom, anyone else who might be treating you negative or reacting negatively is doing so because they are not aware of how they function as a whole person and not aware that humans are capable of picking up on the invisible unseen things. Yet they will think it is their own thoughts or choices. I know know because when I meet a person who is so shy and quiet that they barely can talk to me, I also now feel like I don't want to spend much time on them, its like a feeling that is repulsive in me, to stay away, not bother and I have to make a conscious choice to reach out. Most people are not attracted to those who are shy, or have been hurt or are mentally different because of disabilities or how they were raised. So if the majority of humans don't know this, it will be up to you to find help, get better, start realizing there never was anything wrong with you, that you are worthy of being loved, and giving love and once positive vibes are radiating out from you, you will see a difference. Don't let Dad or his mom win. don't let the chain go on so you end up like him. There are 3 choices for a person in your situation: one being you decide if you can't beat him,, you will join him and become just like him, the second being that a person ends up like you now, feelings worthless and unloved and live a miserable lonely life or commit suicide, and the last is the person who decided they will not let a parents treatment of them dictate how they will be from now on, and they decide to be an overcomer rather than remain victim. But for that, you will need to seek out help and I would suggest a psychologist trained in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. These ones realize the majority can be helped by working with their thoughts and feelings to correct them rather than bandaging the problem by giving meds. Only around 10% really needs meds. Good luck and I
would love to hear back sometime how you are doing
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I haven't been on this site in forever. I'm not even sure what led me to get on. As much as I want to answer your questions I am completely freaked out had I told someone I was going on this site I would swear this was a practical joke.
My name is Aaran I have 3 sons although I love them equally my youngest and the one I have the best relationship with is named Roman. My sister is a doctor and of course everyone falls all over her while I've been the "disappointment" dispite my accomplishments.
I'm sitting here like WOW. I can understand your situation very well and I have some advice.
First you have to accept that you're a grown adult and only you can make your life what you want for yourself. No one owes you a special birthday although it would be nice. If your family isn't treating you the way you want to be treated then move on. It may hurt but you'll become stronger and open yourself up to being loved by others who deserve what you have to offer. I honestly think you're suffering from depression. From reading your post your complaints and concerns don't read as if they are from someone of your age group. I am curious about your childhood. You really need to start taking responsibility for yourself which includes your own happiness and realizing you are a special person all by yourself and you don't need the aproval of others. I would seriously suggest seeking help from a psychiatrist. You may even need some medication to help pull you out of this sad emotional state. I think once you start feeling better about yourself you will become more productive and find some goals and dreams to shoot for. Until you feel better about yourself I wouldn't suggest bringing any children into the world. However I do believe that when you have confidence in yourself and get to believe how important and special you really are the more others will see that. You've heard of the self fulfilling prophecy. I think that is really the problem going on. You're allowing what others say or think of you to actually create what you have become. You are the only person that has to live your life. Don't let negativity of others dictate your future. If it's truly gotten to the point where you really believe you're better off dead you definitely need medical help and there is nothing wrong with getting help. Everyone needs help at some point in their life. You are a blessing from God for someone you just don't know it yet. Give yourself some time to discover just how wonderful you are. The people in your family may be dealing with their own issues that you may be unaware of. They may be hurting and pushing their hurt off on you. You just never know what's going on in the minds of others.
Please get some professional help. Don't make permanent actions based on temporary circumstances. Things will get better.
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