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Which one of us is right (or are we both in the wrong)?
I moved in with my boyfriend about two weeks ago. When I did he told me I could decorate however I want.
Well this week I started redecorating. We went furniture shopping and bought all new bedroom furniture for us (splitting the cost). I bought bedding, everything for the kitchen, and for the living room. Everything went fine. Then I got to the two guest bedrooms and I threw out some of his bedding and bought new sets. The reason I did that was because his bedding was very old, junky looking, and smelled very musty. I thought he would be fine with it because I told him I was buying new bedding and expressed my distaste with the old sets. He told me that was fine and that he trusted I'd pick out something nice. Well I did. Then after I had already thrown out the old sets he got upset because he said they were still usable. I think this is silly because I bought us brand new bed sets and the condition of the old ones was so bad.
I also have a problem with the amount of cat toys he has. I understand that he loves his cat (as I have one too), but he has so many it's unreasonable and he thinks he needs more. He has around 5-6 cat towers, 3 cat beds, a large cat tunnel, scratching posts, and countless other large toys. I threw out one of the cat beds because it was disgusting looking and falling apart. Well then I came home and he had taken it out of the trash and put it back where it was. He told me it was because his cat loved that bed, but I've never seen his cat use it in the two weeks I've been here. Likewise, I haven't seen his cat use 90% of the toys. I told him I think some of them should go because they're just clutter, but he disagrees. I really don't like them though. I think they look trashy no matter where I put them and that they ruin the look of the apartment especially seeing as they go mostly unused.
Another issue I'm struggling with is the timing. I'm not sure I'm enjoying being here. I work at night and he works during the day, which I thought would be a good thing because we would spend a few hours between our jobs together during the week and days on weekends and the rest of the time I/he was gone would give us needed space. Then we both got sick and he's been eating dinner and then going straight to bed every night (around 6pm) so we're barely even talking to each other. He goes to bed and I stay up and do homework. This just isn't what I imagined. I wanted the cute cuddly couple living together and I feel like I'm just a roommate or a ghost haunting his apartment. We haven't even really been sleeping in the same bed because he either falls asleep on the couch or I'm afraid of waking him getting into bed so I just sleep in one of the guest rooms.
I just don't know what to do especially because I already sank almost 3k into the place.
I do still have my own apartment too so I can go back, but I feel like that would be the end to our relationship. I still want to be with him, I just feel like maybe the timing is wrong on moving in together or something.
Help?
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I know of a woman who had two chihuahua's and she owned about a dozen dog beds, probably two times the amount of toys you mentioned and so many half used packages of food but it didn't stop there. This lady was a hoarder. A hoarder is someone who can't throw away anything because they feel they might get some more use out of it now or if packed away in a box in closet or a paid storage site, that they will find a use for it later or a way to recycle it.
I am almost positive that he is at the beginning stages of becoming a hoarder. He may subconsciously know something is wrong and that may be the reason he told you to replace the bedding because if it was up to him, he wouldn't, he'd hold on to it. So once you got rid of it all, he had his hoarding issue come over him so he freaked out, even though he said it was okay. Later in the relationship, he will not allow you to get rid of anything. It is not a safe environment to live in when further down the road. Most hoarders, and I have been in at least 6 homes where hoarding was going on, the floor is covered by a mix of garbage, magazines, books, pet toys, and what not and you have no free spots to see carpet anymore. I don't want to scare you but if he truly is on his way to becoming a hoarder, then he needs counseling but he won't likely agree that anything is wrong with him and won't go. So you would have to be okay with living in such conditions in the future. He might not be your best bet to marry someday either if that comes up because children living in such a mess are in grave danger health wise and imagine, where would they learn to crawl, on top of a carpet with at least 6 inches of garbage and unused items littering the places. It would be too easy for them to find some small item or rotten food in the mess and swallow and choke to death on it.
You made a hasty decision by moving in and spending so much money. There are rich people who redecorate often and list almost new furniture for free on recycle forums on the internet. My own daughter furnished her entire apartment with stuff from a site called freecycle. Her sofa was newer and nicer and prettier than mine I bought new once upon a timed. So either you stay with him because you want to get some use out of your furniture, or find him free nice replacements and take your new furniture back to your old place. I see no purpose in rooming with him while going to school and working opposite shifts. If it were me, I'd move back out and check with him after I've graduated to see how he is doing. Just visiting his place often will give you an idea if he's the same or gotten worse. You might benefit from creating a very detailed list of what qualities you are looking for in a guy and which ones you are not looking for. This way, instead of listening solely to your feelings you have for someone, you will also compare the guy against a list of what you really want so you don't get carried away by feelings only, again.
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One word COMPROMISE!!
Moving in together is a big step one that requires compromise from both. Yes he told you that you could redecorate and from the sounds of things you went at it with gusto. You say you told him what you were doing. Did you think to ask him or to get his opinion.
From the sounds of I read here you made many changes without truly consulting him. What was his for the most part is gone and I think he feels abandoned his place in his apartment gone.
This is not a question of who is right or who is wrong.You failed to include him, from what I am reading, in these changes. He failed to properly communicate his feelings.
Suggestion: The two of you need to sit down and talk to each other. Find out what each others expectations for this relationship are. Make time for each other and make sure that you both agree to any changes or how you are spending time together. This includes sleeping together.
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