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I am in love with a guy who will never love me back.
Long story short, just to avoid length, I like him, he doesnt know. He explicitly stated that he'll never like me back. We're both 19, we're bestfriends. I'm hoping I'd just let this feeling fade to preserve our friendship. But everyday, it just seems like a reminder that he'll never like me back. If I become honest, he said he'll drop the friendship.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If it hurts you to keep him as a friend and he threatens to cut the friendship then girl...don't even bother. Move on. Get yourself a new friend, and who knows maybe you'll meet someone that may actually appreciate you.
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I am sensing this is more about the questions you did not ask like:
1. How can he know that he will never desire me as more than a friend.
2. Can he be wrong if I have these feelings and maybe he's just not in touch with his feelings
and lastly
3. If I am in love and I am resigned to the fact he isn't, then how do I get rid of these feelings of love?
So I will attempt to explain and tell you which question it applies to.
All of what I say applies the same whether the two in question are same sex or opposite sex as feelings and emotions will run the same no matter.
I'll start with addressing that this has nothing to do with you also being male because he has shown he's willing to be friends and is not homophobic. He simply does not have the romantic desire for you.
And thats where I will start.
For any relationship to be successful and rewarding for both, it needs a solid foundation just like a house or building. In a relationship, that foundation is made up of two things, being each others best friend or one of close friends and the other being each others sexual/romantic equal.
I will explain what i mean by describing each part more. The friend part requires trust built over time by consistant behaviour and actions on the partners part. Really caring about the others feelings and treating them really good so that means if mature enough, there is no fighting, name calling, giving the cold shoulder and all the other things people do to show how upset or mad they are. There is understanding of where the other is coming from, a want to never make the other upset enough to cry and so on.
Being a romantic/sexual equal, well its more than seeing the other and experiencing romantic or sexual desires for them. The one thing people are not thinking of or taught enough is about pheromones. I have seen in looking it up that in scientific communities, the beliefs are all over the place which I don't understand. Its pretty cut and dried. We are mammals and if you look at the animal kingdom, you will see that when an animal is ready to attract a mate, they will find each other. Sometimes like for a bird, it is initially hearing their call and going to investigate, but once an animal finds another of its kind, the male can not convince the female to mate if she isn't attracted to him. ITs all about the pheromones, an invisible substance each animal and human emits. It can't be detected as an odor but there are glands in us that will detect it and we respond by feeling desire for one and not the other. It has nothing to do with looks. Before meeting my 2nd husband, I dated alot. I met one guy who looked like a male model right off the pages of a magazine. I was so flattered he wanted to meet. We met twice. There was some draw to each other but not strong enough. I could tell already just by being in their presence, whether we both had similar pheremones or not. Those glands in our noses are picking up on the pheromones of the other and sending info to our brain. We either feel giddy and excited and very interested in getting romantically close with the person or not I've met plenty I'd love being friends with but there was no pheremone connection. Without knowingk the existence of pheremones, people can actually realize with going any further than friendship that they are not attracted that way. Trust me. Although, in some cases, where I didn't quite feel anything but the guy seemed real interested, I'd part at end of meeting with a kiss. Some kisses were hot like from a lover but others were like being kissed romantically by your brother or father and that would mean, no pheremone connection. I am pretty open mind dear and can share a few further examples of when there is/isn't a connection or a strong enough one. I went with my ex to swing clubs. So I had an occasion of two where I agreed to go with a guy to a dark corner to have sex and when he got undressed and I got near enough, the scent of his musk was making me gag, like smelling rotting garbage and it had nothing to do with him not being clean. Any release of body fluids, the saliva and sweat can tell you also if you have a close enough connection or not.
Have you walked past someone and smelled their sweat and it registered that they were sweaty and the scent was a turn off. Then you see someone with wet armpits on their shirt and yet you don't pick up an offensive odor, but can tell it is still a sweat scent, just a pleasant one. Yes, sweat can smell pleasant to the right person. For example, I'd describe my husbands sweat as being as close to the scent of lemon pepper as possible, I actually love the scent of it. Okay, you can call me strange now. LOL
The most alarming thing is that many marriages are based only on one or the other of the important foundation to the relationship, not both. Those who are best friends will find that after the excitement of the newness of the relationship passes, the elevated exciting feelings of love and romance fade away because there are no pheromones to sustain them into the future. And lacking the sexuall side of things, one or both may decide to secretly have affairs, not because they hate their partner, they actually love them as a friend but the lover aspect is missing.
On the flip side is a couple who are the best match as lovers and the only time they get along is when they are having sex because it is so good. However that is just one slice of a persons life and the majority of the time, they fight and argue and treat each other like crap because the friendship part is missing. So both relationship types are unfulfilling or in danger of breaking up. I had that problem with first husband. I learned though so when I sought to remarry, I made sure to find someone with whom I had that pheromone connection and other things in common.
Just as your height and hair and eye color are determined by genetics, so is the particular pheremones you have, and like the things I mentioned, they can't be changed to match the person you want to match with. You can dye hair, wear colored contacts or high heels or thick soles to change height a bit but those only change how one looks but doesn't actually change those things on you so you can experience life as a brunette lets say without hair dye if you're a blond.
So I hope what I've shared shows how he can sense that you do not bring up a physical response of romance and desire for you. As to whether he could be wrong, what I have shared has told you that no, he cant be wrong about not feeling that connection with you, even if he doesnt' know what it is scientifically called.
On the other hand, can a person be wrong about falling in love, feeling a connection on their end? My opinion is yes. I will explain. First think back to childhood of a toy you really wanted for CHristmas and you salivated over the TV ads for it, begging the parents for it and went to look at it in the toy aisle of a store. Every kid has experienced this at least once or twice. The excitement when you actually got what you wanted was so strong. Surely this toy would keep you happy forever and be your favorite for years. But the excitement and the newness of the toy wore off as the days and weeks went by and finally you no longer touched it or played with it and you no longer had those feelings of excitement for it. Sometimes you get the right toy but there has to be at least one you got that this happened. It can happen in relationships too. I have found it refered to as NRE, New Relationship Exciting, same as new toy excitement. If you needed a more hands on toy or one that required you using your imagination or artistic skills as was the case for me, then any toy that did not qualify, would only hold my attention for a short time. Whereas paint by number kits or the Spirograph set would entertain year round, year after year and never grow boring or non challenging to me.
It's pretty much the same in a relationship. If for some reason the relationship is not the perfect match, a person can start off with NRE and the more time is spent with the friend allowing for the person to involve more of their thoughts on the person, imagining most of the relationship they really want with that person, then your emotions can give you the wrong signal. Your emotions could actually lead you to feel you are in love when thought it is emotion based, it feels like love, may be love but not mutual love and not love based in a true reality. I also know that from experience. I had more feelings and deep love for a guy who thought he loved me but in the end, he left me because the love he had for me wasn't the kind of reciprocal love needed for a relationship to be a reality and to blossom.
So it is possible for you to feel love but it is not based in reality. Heres a good analogy to explain. Have you ever watch a movie that was sad, scary, and though it was only actors and a script, your emotions got involved to the point you got mad at a person who was injust or mean in the movie or you cried tears? I know plenty males who don't cry easily, but its a point I am trying to make, how you felt. Your eyes take in the movie, your mind is captivated for the endurance of the movie and your emotions react to the movie. Everyone will have done this at some point in life if not often. In your mind, or even in reading a book, you are no longer an outside observer but feel like you are one of the characters or at least right there beside them watching the scene unfold in that reality. The emotion of anger feels real, your heart rate may go up, you may tense up, etc. all the changes anger brings but it is not based on someone treating you like that, you identify with the character. This is the best way I can explain how one feels love when the other doesn't.
So if its understood that this guy will never return your affection in the way you wish, it will feel awkward to keep squashing down those feelings. Even if you say or do nothing to bring it up, it will be evident in your eyes and your body language if he's sharp enough to be looking for it.
So it may be best to distance yourself. The more time you spend with him and focusing all your thoughts on him, you make it impossible to get over the love for him. Can you one day love him only as a friend? Yes. But its much easier and faster if you find the love of your life in another person, one who returns the same feelings and most likely has a closer or same pheromone connection. Once you have a partner with whom you experience a mutual love and that person is better than any one else you've ever been with or imagined or hoped for, then you will slowly heal and find you have a deep love with your partner and for your friend, that the feelings of romance and desire just aren't as strong as they slowly disappear.
I married at age 20 to a guy who was wrong for me in sooo many ways. Had 3 kids with him. After decades, the love I originally felt for him had disapated since it wasn't nurtured or returned and I did not have either of the two things needed for a solid relationship foundation. I vowed to not settle for less and now am married to a person who I have both parts of the foundation with and I know my relationship is way better than any family member has, sisters, brothers, grown married children, etc. I know whats wrong in those other relationships but they are making it work or some or simply miserable and angry but stay together for financial reasons. I am blessed because I learned these crucial things pertaining to relationships and now am happier than I;ve ever been my whole life. All I can do is share this all with you and hope it helps you.
So what you might actually do is spend less time in person, but keep up more in phone calls and tests but not overly so. NOt daily, not weekly really either but maybe more like a call every two weeks to catch up on whats new with him, and plan to meet for something once or twice a month. But be focusing more of your energy on looking for your true mate. ANd for now, every time a thought of him as something more than a friend comes to mind, talk to your subconscious as this is where the thought comes from. You can speak verbally if alone or inside your own mind but it is crucial to retrain your subconscious mind but telling it, "Sorry, you can not be thinking of him as a lover because he doesn't feel that way in return. He's only a friend. YOu can think of him only as that and help me find the one who is right for me, who returns my love.
If you say something like this in your own words, it will help. But beware that the untrained mind will wander back several times to the subject you are saying is off limits. In the beginning it can happen several times an hour, then several times a day, then several days a week and less and less but its a pain in the butt to be consistant at first. You will think its not helping but humor me and go through with it. Eventually youll see a change. I had to do this one myself when the guy I mentioned I loved, left me. So I know it works in the end. I wish you the best. If you have anything else that ever comes up about relationships that you want advise on, just write to me. Blessings to you.
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I have known many people who have tried to cross over from the friend zone to romance, only to be pushed back into the friend zone over and over with more emotional bumps and bruises. Many great things come from friendship, but when you find yourself at a dead end, do yourself a favor and put some distance in your friendship. Place a buffer zone around your interactions and limit the time together so that you don't find your feelings going where they don't have permission to go.
Find someone who is just as crazy about you as your are about them. The fact he will just be friends reveals a lot. He is not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. Doesn't that say enough? At the end of the day, you want to e with someone who is madly in love with you, as you are with them. consider the "just friends" tag a signal to walk away and move forward, freeing you to pursue a relationship in which the romantic energy flows both ways. You deserve that, wait for it.
19 is a wonderful age. You are young, beautiful and have so many exciting adventures in store for you. Love yourself by investing in yourself (friends, hobbies, education), and putting yourself in situations where you are treated with the love you deserve.
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