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I accidentally slept with a guy one of my close friends was/is dating?
I'm not sure how to handle the situation. A guy was apparently talking to both of us at the same time (we're in the same social circles) and neither of us ever told the other one because it all happened over the course of two weeks. All I knew was she was seeing somebody briefly and that they had supposedly stopped talking.
Well I guess he had stopped talking to her because he was talking to me and we wound up sleeping together. Then literally the very next night my friend and I were talking and she told me she still had feelings for the guy she was talking to before and told me how they had a lot of chemistry in bed and it sounded like she was going to try and start talking to him again so as a friend I wanted to know who it was because I was excited for her and that's how I found out we both slept with the same guy.
I don't know what to do now. I think we both slept with him within the same week and he's still been trying to talk to me. I obviously lost any kind of feelings for him because I know that he knows me and her are really close and that might have been his motive because we're thought of as the best two girls in the social circles were in so he probably set out to get with both of us. However, I realize it also could have been a fluke and he started talking to me during the time they had stopped talking.
I don't know if I should say anything to her about it. I think maybe it might be better to keep my lips sealed and just quickly end things with him. I think she really likes him, but I don't have any feelings for him yet so I'd rather she was with him.
If he tells her he slept with me my plan is to just deny it because he doesn't have any proof. I don't want to lose her as a friend or have her think we slept together after she told me who he was because the dates are all so close together that she might think after I heard he was good in bed that I wanted to be with him, when that wasn't the case.
What do I do? How do I handle the situation?
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While if it were me in the situation, I might be tempted to lie about it, but I know that theres a chances He'd say something about it, especially in the heat of an argument with her, to hurt her and once she knows, then she'd know I Lied by omitting the truth and not telling her. The very fact I lied or kept it from her will make me look guilty and that is likely to threaten the friendship.
If you tell her, you may think your friendship ended because she could be angry enough to suspect you even though you did not intentionally set out to steal him away. And she may stop talking to you for an undetermined amount of time.
However she does need to here that this guy is a player and not worthy of having her as a friend or girlfriend. Don't tell her she needs to stop seeing him. If there are feelings, she will need to learn the hard way that this guy is what she thinks he is. Once she does learn the truth from actually being in a relationship with him, she will realize you were right and were only protecting her and that is what will save your relationship and bring her back to you even if she cut things off with you at some point. Well, some people do get very embarrassed and rather than admit they were wrong, they may not approach the person due to shame, and it may take you attempting periodically to reach out to her to see if she is ready to rekindle the friendship. I know this stuff from having 3 different family members for two different reasons stop talking to me thinking I was the one who treated them badly when they were out of line or had preconceived ideas. Two were parents and one a sister. If this can happen with family, it can happen with friends. Don't be afraid though, the truth and trying to protect her is way better than not saying anything at all. It may be peace for now but at some point in the future, keeping your lips sealed now may cause the death of your friendship. Better to face her anger and maybe unfair accusations without getting angry back at her and suffering it for a while rather than lose her for a lifetime.
As adviceman said, DO NOT USE THE PHRASE 'accidently slept with', unless it is rape, it is consensual and that is not considered an accident. Using 'accidental will already sound fishy and make you look guilty. What you suffer from is perhaps irratational at your lack of judgement and let me tell you dear, that no matter how old you get, after a divorce in my forties I was dating again and many a guy were able to fool me too, but only for 2 or 3 dates before they got comfortable enough to show their real self. If I can be fooled, with all the life experience I have, there is no shame in it, no reason for you to feel ashamed of getting caught up in his lies.
Heres another thought that may bring light to this situation. There are exceptions to the rules but a good majority of men do not fall in love like women do at first sight, maybe in lust. But men would rather take things slowly, not commit to any one lady until he has had a chance to get to know her well enough to decide whether he wants to continue to see her and take the relationship to a deeper level. How ever, even without having committed to one girl, in order to get to know her, he must spend enough time only with her, not sleeping with other women at the same time, in order to be able to make that decision. I met any guy that sounded promising in on line date sites, for at least one coffee shop date. This was so I could sense if I felt any chemistry. This is something you can't pick up on line. There may be the kind of chemistry for friendship but when it comes to the romance and sex part, if the chemistry of closely matching pheromones is missing, it's a no go for me. I met plenty of guys where I could tell enough from just the one meeting that I wasn't interested in even meeting a second time. Then there were two guys charming enough for the first 3 dates until I caught one in a lie and the other showed his real self by calling his housekeeper all sorts of racial slang and got verbally abusive with her, something my ex husband did with me from early on too. I didn't tell them the truth of why I decided against seeing them any further, simply saying I gave it enough of a chance but I still felt no chemistry on my side and they all seemed to accept it.
I told guys I met that I would also go on first meet up dates with other guys until I met and spent enough time with one that I wanted to explore further. Many Men seem to understand this as its something they do too. I also can't blame a guy for wanting to know if there is sexual chemistry. That was important to me too. But you don't have sex on a first date to find out if this is the guy you want as a boyfriend or husband.
A solid relationship is built on a foundation of two things, being each others best friend and being each others sexual equal.
That last bit is something to keep in mind. Discover first if the man can treat you as if you were his best friend. You will likely both feel the sexual attraction at the same time. But there can be sexual attraction without friendship and friendship without sexual attraction and too many marriages are one or the other. Both are needed. I feel its best to be certain you want this guy as your best friend first before exploring sexually. By the way, from simply a kiss, and talking about what we like sexually without having sex, I found was enough to tell if there was compatibility there. Not everyone will have in depth convos as I did on the subject and I had to instigate them as guys tend to be gun shy of bringing up the subject with women. I was sexually mismatched witht the ex, him having low libido and me high, and knowing how just that is enough to create tension although there were other issues as well.
I know you started out with just concern over how to handle this with girlfriend but I know that this could happen to you again unless you start to learn some things about how to find a good guy and how to recognize when you've found him. At least this should be enough for now to help you steer clear of possible experiences like this again in the future.
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First; I think your girlfriend should hear the truth from you. You start off by telling her that you know this guy and that he is a Cad and a player. You tell her that while see her he also made a play for you. He knew you two were good friends but continued to see you and sleep with you.
Second: Don't say you accidental slept with him or anyone else for that matter. You either voluntarily sleep with someone or you are raped.
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Hi. I think lying about the situation might be the wrong way to go about it but at the same time I can see why you would want to keep it all a secret too as it might avoid unnecessary problems but I think it would be better that your friend hears about it from you than from this other guy. True that you can deny it and say he is lying but I think further lying about it will only cause more problems - they say nothing remains a secret forever.
I think this is really your call as you know the situation the best. I would have thought that if you explained yourself to your friend and told her what happened she will be understanding but more importantly she will know what this guy did. Although it could be a fluke the fact it happened so close together it seems he just set out to sleep with you both and then decide who he prefers (crude but this is what it seems like). Maybe it's not the case but given the way it happened it seems more likely especially if he knew that you both are very close in which case sleeping with you both should have been a warning light for him in the first place and he probably should have told you.
It is best not to say anything at this point and if it comes out then tell her the truth but you could also just tell her the truth now and give her a heads up on what you have said here because if he's trying to talk to you and then goes back to her you have to wonder if he's then going back to her because he likes her or it's just a matter of convenience.
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