|
Invalidating "abuse"?
I've been feeling really off about things that happened in my childhood. I'm trying to talk to my therapist about these things, but as an 18 year old who is basically supposed to be over it by now, I just want to understand if I'm invalidating myself or overreacting.
My dad was an alcoholic until I was 13. He drank a lot, and my parents fought a lot. I remember all the times I cried as a kid (younger than 8) because of the fighting. I remember it being bad, but never ever did he lay a hand on me.
My mom, especially when I was 12, turned cruel. She got angry at me for no reason over small things. I remember 3 times in one week when she would lower her voice and come up to me and say, "I'm not very happy with you right now." It would send chills down my spine. I actually remembered the time when she called me a b****. I was 12, and it stung. I cried. That wasn't the first time. She grounded me because I forgot a pair of gloves at school, and she once told me to eat s***. When she found out I started self harming, she mocked me and yelled at me all while threatening to send me away. She yelled, "What do you do-- cut yourself then go on twitter, upload pictures and say, "I won't stop cutting myself until you follow me?!" I remember that very clearly. She also used my religion against me. She made me SWEAR on the Bible like they do in court trials that I would never cut myself again or else the both of us would go to hell. She yelled at me and told me to do this and got angry when I would pause because I was crying so much. Instead of helping me, she pushed me away farther.
My mom never had a mom (or dad) around to show her how to actually be a mom. A good one, at least. I get that no parental figure can make it worse, but I don't think that what she said to my siblings when they were younger was good either. She would threaten and hit them.
I remember the times when she hit me, too. Not across the face. My sister and I were fighting and we kept calling my mom at work because of it, and my mom came home and hit the both of us because she was so mad. I was younger than 8.
I think I just answered my own question, but I'm still not sure. Doesn't abuse have to be constant? Was this even abuse?
Thanks.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
This definitely qualifies as significant abuse and something you should aim at working through with a therapist. Such episodes in life can and do impact on us until we resolve them in our minds. They have the power to 'hold you back' as it were in many, and sometimes very subtle, ways until we have processed them properly. They can impact in many areas. Professional, in our relationships with others and so on. They will lower our self-esteem, and often you'll find you attract re-victimisation...without ever really knowing how or why. The key is acceptance. Not accepting that it was OK what happened. Or accepting any responsibility for the events. But accepting that it was something that happened to you, that is part of you, and subsequently deny it any power to influence your future plans, projects, ambitions or relationships. You are perfectly valid, perfectly justified in seeking to resolve the issues, thaw-out any frozen and pent-up feelings and move on. Free of it. You can do this. And you should.
]
I back up everything Adviceman said. I suffered mental/emotional abuse as well, however not as a child. It was from the man I married at age 20. As he grew older, the abuse increased. I had my faith and God and that helped keep me pretty much on an even keel emotionally. However, as you now know, it is a very stressful thing to your body and stress has to go somewhere. For me, the stress went to my body. I lived with almost daily tension headaches with a few migraine tossed in yearly. I got all over body stress rashes and those are itchy. I also got stomach ulcers at one point. I don't even like the photos of me back then. NOw that I am healed, I can look and see how my pain and suffering showed on my face. But I needed professional help. When I finally decided to leave that situation, friends out of state said they'd take me in. He had just retired from being a counselor and since I had no job or money with the moving, he counseled me for free, but it was all the same as a currently licensed person. It helped me greatly. It doesn't matter if it happens to you when you are a child or as an adult, mental abuse is still abuse. But I now see myself as stronger because of it. It takes a strong person to be willing to fight for becoming the best person they can possibly be instead of giving up and becoming like your abusers. SO you haven't merely survived it, you are an over-comer, not just a survivor.
]
Yes it is abuse; there is physical abuse when you are hit or spanked and there is mental abuse when parents or people say things to hurt you. My dad was the King of all mental abusers. He had a way of threatening you with just a look.
You don't get over being abused not without help. Mental abuse I feel is the worst kind of abuse for it harms ones self-image which can stay with you fro life if you don't get the professional help to move past it.
My advice is since you're in therapy now you stay in therapy and work with your therapist on this. Remember anything you say in therapy stays in therapy unless you let it out.
I was in therapy after a devastating auto accident with life changing events. My therapist felt I was holding something back and I was as it didn't deal with the accident. Then in one session it all came out. Then after talking about it I realized it wasn't me that I had been raised in dysfunctional home. I spoke to my sister about it and found out that she and her therapist came to the same conclusion several years earlier and that she had tried to talk to me about it but I shut her off.
Stick with the therapy and break down any wall you have built to protect yourself from the abuse. You feel better and be better for it.
]
More Questions: |