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Unwanted Valentines Day gift, what to do
My boyfriend and I care for each other deeply and can't stand to see each other's feelings get hurt. I am 26 he is 37, we are serious and he has talked about marriage together not too long ago. It was a first for both of us to ever celebrate Valentines Day with someone.
I told him I think Valentines Day is a bit overrated and actually never really liked seeing the lovey dovey heart decorations everywhere. He agreed and said he is the same way; although his actions always speak differently as he is always very very loving and mushy about everything, not to mention emotional, which I think is cute. With a romantic dinner, he handed me a lovely bouquet of roses with a huge Godiva heart chocolate, he always aims to get the best of everything which I've told him numerous times that it is not necessary, that even if he didn't get me anything that would be perfectly fine. Which caused him to buy even more expensive gifts, claiming I deserve the best. Truth is I would prefer it if he got me cute cheap things, I do not believe that the more you spend on something the better it will be. I do not enjoy trying to be flattered by the price of something. Thus I feel that in return I always have to buy something equal to his gifts.
While bidding farewell for the night we exchanged our main gifts for each other. We both opened our gifts when we returned home. I bought him a Burberry men's wallet, which he claims he really liked, although he says that for everything which I give him or go to with him. For the wallet, he said that I know him well. He in return gave me a bottle of perfume. I was happy that it was not an expensive piece of jewelry like last time (which is another story of its own- I went back and forth with him telling him I could not accept the Tiffany's necklace, he reluctantly told me he would return it however he secretly kept it waiting for the return date to expire which he later gave me again saying "now you know I can't return it, did you really think I'd give it back, its yours". Which of course I had to take, I do like it, but again unnecessary spending).
Now this perfume which I thought was normal priced because I have never heard of it turned out to be $370 (Portrait of a Lady), which is expensive for a perfume, and he went and got the biggest size. The worst part is that it has an EXTRAORDINARILY strong scent, I researched reviews on the perfume which is when I learned the price, I googled it thinking maybe I just found it strong however everyone claimed that it was really hard to get off even with showering and washing clothes and stays on about 3 days with 1 spray. I am one who prefers Eau de Toilet sprays in comparison to Perfumes as they last shorter with less of a scent, so this is 10x too strong for me. I appreciate the thought but it kills me that he would spend $370+tax on a perfume which will most likely sit on the shelf, a similar scent to it could have been plain old rosewater for $20. I thought of trading it for something I could use but I doubt someone would pay that much for it. I also really don't want to bring up that I didn't like this gift of his either as I mentioned he is easily broken hearted, and probably still touchy that I rejected his first necklace gift in the beginning. All I did so far was thank him for the perfume saying it smells like roses but did not spray it yet. Please help what should I do, what would you do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Gift Giving?
Oh Dear, the both of you need to read a book called 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary CHapman. Heres a link to finding it:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
People have different ways of showing love and recognizing love. The only problem with a couple is that people tend to Use the same love language directed to others that they interpret as love when directed at them.
Giving of gifts is what your guy needs to receive to feel loved. He doesnt know your love language yet and that is why I stress this book although there is an on line test you both can take right away.
Besides Receiving of Gifts, the others are Words of affirmation, Acts of service, Quality time and Physical touch. There will be a strong first one with a secondary one that also stands out.
The trick is to not give the type of Love that you want to recieve yourself. His is obviously the giving of gifts. So to him, all he knows is that you have so far been rejecting his way of showing love. As much as you don't like to recieve gifts, he probably craves them but take a test, read the book, both of you as he needs to understand why giving you gifts, no matter the price, is not what you take in as loving gestures. For you, it will be one of the others. You may already suspect which it is but read and do the test and learn what it is so you can share that with him.
For doing the quiz, scan down the link to the start button under the photo.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
As for the perfume, a man should get only that which a woman will wear. He just guessed because he didn't know and didn't want to ask so he could surprise you or you couldn't squash the idea. So I would just bring up the perfume only right now. Let him know you don't like wearing strong perfumes. For me, its an instant headache. If that's your issue too, let him know they give you headaches and you're happier with something light like rosewater but prefer to choose scents you like rather than have scents gifted unless he knew from a list of what you do wear and gets only that, and only when you're running out. But I think talking about that should come after you show him the on line quiz and he does it and you do it and share your results. After the quiz, he shouldn't be giving you gifts as a way to show his love. Depending on what you see more strongly as a show of love, it may be that he had to make an effort to speak more affirming words, compliments and verbally being supportive of you and your likes, or doing things for you that you could do yourself, but his doing them is what you translatee as love, or maybe its spending quality time together, not just in same room doing your own thing but doing something where the focus is more on you. Or lastly, perhaps you feel more loved when you get the amount of physical touch you crave. All of these may be ways he does not naturally operate, not a part of his personality but if he loves you, he will give you the show of love through a venue that you translate as love.
Let me know how this works for you.
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You and your boyfriend sound a lot like me and my wife, we have been married going on 47 years. I married the original Coal Miners Daughter my wife having grown in Northeastern Pennsylvania the daughter of a coal miner. We met when she moved to NYC to work for the same company I was working for.
Like you she was use to the simpler things in life and took great joy in receiving them. I on the other hand while not the product of an idle rich family grew up in a typical middle class family. I was taught by my parents and grandparents that you always try to buy the best as the best last longer.
Now I receive great joy in giving and when I look fro a present to mark an occasion I have always looked for the best I can find and afford. Like you this never impressed my girlfriend now wife and still doesn't. She has learned over the years that it is the joy I receive in giving this type of gift. I have also learned to buy her some simpler things. So for example she may get one big or small expensive gift that satisfies my gift giving needs and I will by her things like pajamas, and other clothing items from catalogs she leaves in places for me to see with items she likes marked.
What we have done is reached a compromise. My wife has learned to accept my need to shower her with the pest I can find because she is the love of my life and she has stood by me through all these years of thick and thin. I have learned to give her things she most desires as well.
What I'm saying is you are not going to change you boyfriend for I believe he is very much like me. What you need to do is reach a compromise with him. Explain to him he does not need to shower you with expensive gifts to show you his love for you. If this is some need with in him then see if you can set a limit on what he pays or the number of expensive gifts and when they are acceptable.
We were married for a few years before we reached this compromise. I believe if you truly love each other you can have the type of conversation where you tell him how you feel about receiving very expensive gifts. You need to do this especially if marriage is in the future for the last thing you want is him going into debt for these gifts. A mistake I made.
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It seems he is determined to spend money on you. Maybe if you talk about how much you enjoy the simpler things in life every couple of days during a time when a giving holiday isn't looming he will get the message. He probably won't though.
Spend your money the way you want to. Don't feel the need to spend a lot on him. Maybe make him a gift next time. Sooner or later he will get the message. We are so bombarded with diamond commercials & the idea that if you truly love someone, you have to shower them with expensive gifts. I think they are put out there to make men feel it is expected of them to buy the best. I really hope he learns that simple is better. If he doesn't then I guess you just accept the gifts & consider his spending just one of his quirks. Its all you can do short of breaking up & I don't think you want to go that far. Good luck!
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