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Should I move out?
Hi 19/F.. I really need as much advice as possible please. I want to move out of my moms house. She still thinks I'm a baby. I am 19 and working and my curvue is still 10 pm although I only go to my bf. I never go anywhere else. We fight a lot because she always tells me what to do. I want to be my own person now. I want to move out in three monthes. Me, my bf, his friend and grandma want to get a place togheter. But my mom will never talk to me again. We are close but she is smothering me. I talked to my grandma about ir but she keeps telling me you are going to hurt your mom. Should I move out? Please help me.
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If your moms personality is the touchy-feely type, then she will probably feel hurt. Since the biggest concern here for you is her being hurt, you need to decide if her feelings of hurt would be justified?
I hope to make that clear so you can decide. Even if Mom is not that type of personality, many parents find it hard to suddenly switch from being the parent of a minor to a parent of an adult child. My kids are just before and after 30 in age and I still find I do not like some of their decisions but unless they ask for advice as you have, I can not interfere. I have learned how to be a parent of an adult child. It means allowing them to make all their own decisions, not making suggestions, or treating them as if I was still training them with boundaries and rules.
If living in a parents home, then her house rules apply to you. If she asks for no noise like playing music after 9 or 10, that is a house rule you would need to obey, no matter what age you are. Telling you that she doesnt want you bringing a guy home to stay overnight in your room is also her choice as it is her house, even though you are an adult. However, if she says you must be home by 10 or have to check in by phone or that you can not spend the night with a boyfriend at any location other than her home is unreasonable and you are not required to follow them. In fact, following them is a bad thing for you and Mom. WHy? Because you delay your learning your own independence for one. Secondly, by complying and following Mom's treating you as a minor, you train her that it is okay to treat you this way and that any minor verbal protests are to be ignored because you don't really mean it and you will do as she says in the end. You are not alone. A great many write in here, with the same problem.
Your asking If you should move out, is part of the problem. You are so afraid of Mom being hurt that you are not looking at this properly. If at 19, she is not going to allow you to be an adult and make your own decisions, then when do you think she will? Would it be at some magical age of 25? Nope, there are plenty of twenty-somethings still with the same problem with their parents and usually its the Mom. Would she finally allow you to be an adult once you are in your thirties? Older? And will she have meddled so that you still have no husband and children or only the guy of her choice who isn't right for you and you are divorced at a young age or still married because she says so and you are miserable? I occasionally meet Moms my age who still have an adult child living at home, unmarried and totally dependant on her, never having become an adult because she never allowed it. I don't know about you, but I would not look forward to still having a parent treat me as a little child when I am 30, 40, 50. If it's the fear of hurting her feelings,( which by the way is another point I'll address next) then she can feel hurt the rest of her life which means you will not be able to be an adult until she dies and by then you will find yourself adrift in the adult world without the tools and knowledge and experience of how to be an adult.
Now, as for feelings, just because someone has a certain feeling, does not necessarily make it a valid one. Remember that last movie you watched that made you sad and you cried real tears? You know it's just actors/actresses and a fake story but your mind was drawn in by the story, it was sad and you cried. This is how the human mind works, whatever your thoughts are focused on, your emotions will follow. Good thoughts, positive thoughts and a person is a happy well balanced person. If the thoughts are negative or distorted, then the person will not be making the best decisions for themselves or those around them.
Your Mom has some distorted thoughts about being a parent. SHe may have been a good Mom when you were a child but as you reached your teens, that was the time for her to start transitions for her sake and yours, of giving you little by little, more responsibilities and choice making where she could still oversee and train and help when you struggled or made bad decisions. This was her chance to prep you for adult hood while slowing releasing her parenting hold on you rather than it being so abrupt. YEs, no parent is perfect and many moms who poured their entire life into a mate and/or children, will find that when a child grows up and leaves home, that they don't have life of their own aside from the kid/kids. They have no hobbies or things they are involved in of their own, and no direction in life and feel adrift. So naturally they are afraid to let go of a child and allow them to be an adult. Even your grandma is not supportive in the right way. In a perfect world, at least your Grandma would be telling you what I am telling you right now. But I have a feeling that she may not know any better than your Mom.
I am not saying that they aren't lovely likeable sweet people. Even sweet people with the best intentions can make mistakes like this and choose to cling to what is most comfortable. Change is hard for everyone. No one really likes change. So on this subject of training a child to become responsible for themselves and letting go when they become an adult at age 18, this is change many are uncomfortable with or totally subconsciously resisting, even though it is important that this change come about.
With this all in mind, I encourage you to go ahead with the plans and move out. As to when you tell MOm, it depends on how much you can stand verbal harassment ahead of the event. Prep your mind for this, no matter when she learns of it, she will react and think of all the reasons why it might not work and try to talk you out of it. But be strong, and do not let her anger or tears make you back off from what you want to do. You owe this to yourself as a way to start learning independence. Adults aren't exempt from making mistakes that in hindsight they realize they could have done better. But that's the thing, people, no matter whether 5 or 35 or older, will make mistakes, but whats more important is that we learn from the mistakes. That way we don't repeat the same thing, make less mistakes and no parent can help their child avoid mistakes. The biggest one is the parent not allowing their child to be an adult. Are my kids still learning? Heck yeah. They are adults and more often than not, they make decisions that I already know are not the best but all I care, and have to remind myself is that some people learn better by making their own mistakes rather than by being told what to not do and what to avoid as I am telling you. You've had enough arguments with Mom to know that things are not going to change unless you make a drastic move. Your Mom has put herself in a situation where she is going to have to learn the hard way, how to be a parent of an adult child. So yes, she'll be upset at first but the only way she can even begin to learn (against her current short sighted wishes) to let you be an adult, is by having that choice made without her. Because it is no longer her choice. You need to take over control of your own life. We only have the control that we decide to take, (take meaning action) or we give up our control by choosing to not rock the boat and giving away our control subtlety, little by little because perhaps we are tired of fighting for it. NOw that you know whats really going on and that Moms attitude is wrong and why, I hope this gives you the strength to move out. Moving out is the only solution I know of where the adult child gets out from under Moms control. I'd wait until you have found a place and have a move in date to tell Mom. At that time it will become obvious when seeing you pack up your stuff.
All you can do is let her know " I still love you Mom, but it is time I learned how to be an adult and make my own decisions, for better or worse, as long as I'm learning from them." SHe most likely will protest or start yelling at this point. Do not yell back. Wait til she runs out of steam and slowly but firmly share the rest verbally or written in a note you hand her, especially if she is still not allowing you to have your say. Think of it, If you or she treated other adults this way, it would be seen as rude, being a busy body, controlling and not friendly at all. So you may have to hit her with the truth. SOmeone has to do it and apparently no one has in all her life. NOt telling her doesn't protect her at all and only prolongs how long it takes her and how difficult it is for her to finally get it.So you can say or write:
Mom, I love you but if I want your advice or opinion, I will ask for it, just as any other adult you know. However, if I do not ask for it, please don't give any, same as for any adult you know. Unwanted advice is usually one of the things that other adults will not like from another adult, no matter if you are right or not.And no matter that you are my parent or not. It's time I learn to be an adult and take control of any decision making regarding my life. Your days of raising me and teaching me and making rules to protect me were for my childhood and teens. At 18, age wise I became an adult. It means I have the right to make my own decisions now and that is what I plan to do. You are still my parent but treating me as if I was still a minor is no longer going to work. You will still be a part of my life so don't worry" She may not really hear it when you say it. So perhaps if it is written as a note that you can hand her once you have finishing reading it to her, if she allows you, that is best. Keep on your phone or computer whatever you write that is somewhere along the example I wrote for you. That way, if she destroys or loses the note, you can read it to her again, even from the phone once you have left home. Say nothing else. If she cuts you off or hangs up, walk away and don't engage in an argument that can't be solved. She wants you to remain a child and you want to become an adult in charge of your own life. You can not budge from what you want as it is imperative that you do so, that your live your own life and do not allow Mom to attempt to live her life through you. She can change her mind and should but may not. That is the only way the two of you will not have a life long stand off. She must live her own life, learn her own lessons even at her age still. ANd you must become an adult in all ways. I wouldn't go into saying anything different than what is in a saved explanation to her. Every time there is a need, only read off the same you've said before so make sure all you want her to know is in that note. And you tell her the same thing until she finally gets it. Do not let the fear of her cutting you out of her life stop you. I have had two sisters, my Mom, my Dad at some point in my adult life became angry when I had done nothing wrong and every single one at some point stopped talking to me. I truly was not at fault and in each case, their thoughts of how things should have panned out, their preconcieved ideas regarding me, did not go as they had imagined in their minds. I had kids at the time so I wasn't even your age. But this stuff can happen. Months went by, and closer to a year with one of no talk, hanging up if I called or refusing to answer the door. SO I went on with my life and left them to get over their self inflicted wounds of hurt feelings. At some point, they each came around and started talking to me. I did not ask them to apologize, never mentioned the original issue as long as they were willing to be a part of my life again, the rest is minor and not important. Your mom will not be able to stay away and shut you out, no matter what she might promise to do if you moved out. In time she will come around. You just have to be okay with waiting for her to do that.
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It would be wrong for any of us to tell you to do something or not to do something for we do not have the entire picture only the small snapshot that you have given us. What we can do for you is to try to put things in a prospective that you can use to make the decision that is right for you.
To start with your grandmother is right when she says you mother will be hurt. The hurt though will heal when your mom sees that you truly are an adult capable of living on your own. I know this from personal experience with my son. I won't bore you with the details but an opportunity arose for me to see him as his own man doing his job.
He and I were at the time both firefighters and I had the opportunity of being on the same call with him. I'm retired now but how is still on the job. The pride I felt that night your mom will also feel when she realizes you are no longer her baby but an adult women. she will realize what a wonderful job she did in raising you.
At age 19 you are legally an adult not subject to parental discipline or over site. That is the legal side of things. This means mom has no right to give you a curfew, make you do chores or anything else around the house. She also no longer can make doctors appointments for you or have access to your medical records without your permission.
In the same vain now that you are an adult mom is no longer responsible for your well being. She no longer is legally responsible to provide you with housing, food, clothing or any type of medical care. This also means she doesn't have allow you the free use of her car as well. As you can see there are two sides to this issue some of which maybe you haven't thought about.
There is also an old expression parents us that goes like this; "As long as you live in my house you live by my rules." Legally the expression has no ground on which to stand, you are an adult with all the legal privileges of being an adult. Should you wish to move out then that is your prerogative to do so. Yes you will probably have words with your mother which would be unavoidable.
Now if mom wants you to stay and your willing to stay then you and mom need to have an understanding. Mom has to agree that you are an adult now no longer subject to her discipline. That you will take her advice into consideration but you are not bound by her advice.
There will be no more curfews. IF you are going to be out late you will tell your mother what time you expect to be home. IF you are going to be later than you expected you will call with a new expected arrival time. You will also contribute to the house hold expenses which is only fair if you are not going to college for mom will lose the tax deduction she gets for a child in college. I would suggest settling on $210 as that equals the yearly tax deduction and is probably way less then your share of rent and utilities if you move in with your boyfriend and grandmother.
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