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Dealing With Racist Granddad
So I have this granddad who's a horrible racist. He grew up in a time and place where black people didn't have the same civil rights that they do now and it was completely socially acceptable to treat them like $#!?. He's very stuck in his ways and doesn't realize how much things have changed nor does he like seeing how some things have changed. He hates it in fact and has this conviction that the way things were done back in his day (not just when it comes to this, but when it comes to anything) is the right way to do things.
I apologize if this offends anyone, but you'll never heard my granddad use the term African American and will rarely hear him say black. To him, they're n!&&ers and c@@ns. It makes me mad that he is such a horrible racist and makes so many racist comments and jokes because I have friends who are African American. I had an African American counselor in school who I met with once a week every week from the 7th Grade to the week before I graduated high school. She was amazing. She changed my life so much on ways that nobody else ever could. I had a lot of social and academic problems in school and she fixed them all. There's no telling what my life would've ended up like if it weren't for her. She passed away last August and it broke my heart. I loved her deeply. But if my granddad knew about any of this, he wouldn't care.
He feels that white people should have nothing to do with them. He says he considers himself a Christian, but once when my mom told him all about this Church sermon we heard that was discouraging racism and encouraging tolerance and unity between different races, all he had to say was, "Birds of a feather flock together" followed by a discussion about why he doesn't like black people.
He acts like he just doesn't understand white people who become friends with black people, but one thing he really hates and finds immoral is interracial couples. He boycotts TV shows with interracial couples on it and products that use such couples in their advertisements.
Now I have a problem. My darling son, Ewan is engaged to an African American girl named Jordan. Jordan is an angel. Coincidentally, she's related to the aforementioned counselor who changed my life. All I've ever wanted for my darling children when it came to marriage is to find someone who they were compatible with, who they loved more than anyone else in the world, who loved them every bit as much, who made them immensely happy, and who treated them well. Jordan has all of those qualities and more that I love about her. But we're all scared to death of my granddad finding out.
So far, we've all hidden it from him, but it hasn't been easy. My son, Dan (who Ewan is very close to) and I have talked about this and cannot figure out the best way to deal with this. We can't figure out who all should tell my granddad and who all should be there when he is told. My son, Jude thinks the whole family (including Jordan) should be there to help Ewan tell him and defend him and Jordan if my granddad flips out on them. My daughter, Lexi thinks Jordan should not be there or even know it's happening. My niece, Avery thinks Ewan should tell him alone and finally, my niece, Collins thinks no one should tell him.
This might sound cowardly, but I'm almost wondering if Collins is right. It's extremely unlikely that he will be in good enough help to make it to the wedding and, not to sound insensitive, but it's not likely that he had that much longer to live. I feel like I'm digging myself a deeper hole, but honestly, it may be possible that he'll never find out about this. My granddad has congestive heart failure and I'm seriously a little scared of what it might do to his heart if he finds out that his great grandson is engaged to an African American woman. I a little worried that it may literally kill him.
What do you think? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Or Ewan's?
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Given your grandfathers age and health plus the fact he would probably not attend the wedding anyway or other family events. I would not tell him until after they are married and then say something to the affect that a job ha taken them out of the area. If he asks why he wasn't told sooner just say they eloped. Had gone to Vegas on vacation and well things happen.
They are little white lies that won't cause him to go into cardiac arrest. One thing I do suggest is you make it plain to Jordon that the rest of the family does not feel as you granddad does.
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If I were in your shoes, I would never tell him. If he is that set in his ways, and you already know how he would react, why tell him at all. I know you all may feel guilt not telling him but I think you'd all feel a heck of a lot worse if finding out made him have a heart attack or die. That would bring on guilt. Or how about if he is so angry at the rest of you who are okay with the mixed marriage and he refuses to have anything to do with the rest of you for the rest of his life, refusing toe see you or anyone in the family. That would make you feel anguish, your hearts breaking. THats another negative emotion. All this boils down to is a choice of picking your poison so to speak. There is no way to avoid having to deal with some kind of negative emotion. In your position, I'd rather deal with my own feelings of guilt at hiding it. Actually, considering the circumstances, I would probably not feel too guilty considering all the other things that would happen if he were told. Remember, nothing has changed his view all these years so unless one of you knows how to cause him to have amnesia, he is still going to react the same way, no matter which family member told him. If you all are so bent on telling him, how about letting Jordan just walk in and announce herself as his future family member? I'll bet he'd react the same way with any of you as he would to her walking in. So don't go looking for trouble. Don't mention he is engaged. Don't even mention that any of you are going to a wedding or that Ewan is even getting married. There is no way for him to find out unless one of you slips up and tells him. It doesn't sound like he is able to just get up and come visit any of you on his own if he's that ill.
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