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Why can't I ever have that band relationship?
Everybody says bands are tight knit. I've heard that all my life but never experienced it. Try as I might to make friends, it never happens. In my last band I think it was because I constantly screw things up, even when I try my hardest. I recently moved to a new school and I thought I might actually succeed in making friends, but I didn't. At least at my old school I had at least 1 friend that was my friend before band. It just depresses me that I can't experience that tight knit band relationship that I always hear about. It doesn't help that I'm not the best player. I can't practice very much since I live in an apartment and the walls are extra thin. I'm also very socially awkward. Usually everybody just hangs put in their own groups while I'm stuck in the back reading or playing. I truly love playing my instrument, but this lack of friends is just really depressing me. Why is it so easy for them to get to know each other, but for me it's so difficult? I do have friends outside of band, but it would be so nice to just have someone there to hang out with that can practice with me, or sit beside me on try long bus rides. Any ideas for what to do about this situation? I'm not gonna quit band, but not having anyone there for you just kinda hurts.
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Making new friends is all about putting in the effort. You can't expect others to be the only ones who make the effort because to them, you will just seem lazy or someone who just doesn't care to know them (I'll come back to this in a moment though).
When you said you recently moved to a new school I am assuming you have joined part way through the school year so the people in band already have been in there a while already and you have been the new kid to join? If this is the case it does make it harder on you because they have all had the chance and time to get to know each other and form friendships whereas you are having to only now do so coming in new.
You said that you spend time at the back reading or playing while others hang in their own groups. This is where what I said earlier applies about making an effort. If you sit at the back reading many people will just leave you to it because your body language is simply saying you want to be left alone to read. This is the same when, for example, at a club you sit looking miserable. That negativity you project pushes people away, there are some exceptions but for the majority people will just avoid you - I see it happened all too often when out at bars and clubs.
The whole process though is that much harder as you said yourself you are socially awkward and this probably makes it hard for you to approach people but it does take some work on your part. Put the book down and maybe approach one of the groups next time and just ask if they would mind if you join them. If they say no, it's no big deal you can try another group but most likely they'd say yes and it will give you a chance to join in and get to know the others and begin the process to make friends. It certainly won't happened over one day but it will happen in time and with effort but it would begin the process. It just will need some effort on your part. If you sit and just wait for them to come to you, you may end up waiting a long while before they do so you just need to try meet them half way, so to speak.
As for why it's easy for some and not others - this all depends on each person and their personalities. I hated talking to random people I don't know and just couldn't approach strangers and start talking to them until I started working as a magician. Working as a street magician meant I had to walk up to and talk to strangers but at the same time also be confidant and be able to manage them (directing them where to stand and such) and this took a little courage and time but I managed it in the end and if I could do it I know you can do it too.
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Hey! Don't worry! Everything is fine, and the Doctors on the case! I see no on answered your question. How rude! You got me! And guess what? I can help!
When going to a new location, in your case school, its often hard to find or make new friends or bonds with people. But you specifically want a band relationship. well here is my advice. you may not be welcome to play your instrument inside, but thats why we have the world of outdoors. practicing outside will get you away from your neighbors, and into the outdoors, which is more healthy.
But if you can do more practicing, then you can show what talent you got to the rest of your peers! If you can show them that you have talent, they will watch you more often. And while they watch, show them the better side of you. be funny, show your personality, laugh a little! I'm not joking! Be the person you want to be, and show you are welcoming new friends.
Best of wishes!
-Dr.D
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