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Should I keep up this once-a-week friendship or should I move on?
So this is my story, (I tried to condense it at the end if you don’t want to read it all):
I’m kinda friends with this guy from school. (I’m a junior girl, he’s a senior.) He’s nice and friends with a lot of people. My problem is that I’ve kinda been friends with him for a while, and we’ve had our ups and downs, but now we’ve reached a plateau.
Once a week almost every week, I get together with some friends and he’s there too. Those days, I have so much fun with my friends and with him. However, the rest of the week, me and him act like strangers and avoid each other. It’s because of me.
You see, he’s really good friends with people who I hate and who hate me. I’m okay with that, he can be friends with whoever he wants. The thing is, whenever I try to talk to him, one of those people (they’re freshmen girls btw) comes up and sorta steals him away. Like, I’ll be talking to him and then one of them comes up and inserts themself into the conversation and steals his attention away and I curl up into shyness and they both leave and I feel crummy and embarrassed. He’s the kind of person who won’t say no to anyone. If it seems like I don’t want to talk (which I don’t when someone I don’t get along with is there) then he won’t try to talk to me. It sucks when I want to talk to him but he won’t tell the other person to hold on a moment. I’ve gotten so tired of this that I especially avoid him when those people are around.
I’m a pretty shy person and I see him so very little a day and those people are almost always there so we don’t communicate that much because I’m scared.
He knows that I have a problem with those people, but what kinda upsets me is that he doesn’t really care. In the past, multiple times, he’s told me he wants to be friends with me, but he doesn’t put any effort into it. I always start the conversation. He never puts any effort into making sure I’m comfortable.
The only time I can interact with him are those hangout-nights, when it’s just friends. Those times are so special to me because they were like a break from the struggles of life and after a tough week, I knew I had a chance to just have fun.
Recently, I’ve found out that he and a few of the friends from those nights have had their own hangout-nights with the people who I hate/hate me. They can do whatever they want to, I just get jealous that something so important to me is now something who those people can now get in on. It’s like I’ve found an island in the ocean but suddenly sharks grow legs and take over my island.
What I’m upset about is that those people get to see him every day and now also at their own hangout-nights while I only get to see him once a week at my own hangout-nights.
Despite the fact that we’ve been friends for a few years now, despite the fact that he’s always insisted we are friends, I get treated like I’m a once a week special.
I’ve become okay with this.
For a while, I was fine with that.
Now though, I’m wondering if it’s worth it.
Every day, I see him having fun with those people and they must be having fun if they want to have their own hangout-nights.
I want to be his friend, but if he enjoys them more, that’s fine. I don’t want to waste my time or his. I don’t want to make him choose between me or them.
It hurts seeing him always having fun with them and thinking that that could never be me and I know I’m just being jealous and selfish but recognizing that doesn’t make it hurt less.
My question is, should I keep up this once-a-week friendship or should I move on?
Should I suffer through the week for a reward of happiness, or should I forget about both?
Both choices will hurt. One hurts a lot but has some joy. One just hurts.
Hopefully, this will all end in May, after he graduates.
Any advice you can give me, whether it’s an answer, an alternate choice, or just things to consider, is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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It may be a case of his not having any good manners and that could be due to inexperience and being young and a Sr. qualifies as young and inexperienced as far as being a young adult. Although manners should be really known at a much younger age. It's not your job to teach him manners so if what he is doing as a friend is choosing others over you, then the guy isn't as interested as you. YOu are just another school friend. I see no where that you both have a committed dating relationship. So until you are supposedly in that position, its fine if a guy doesn't pay you the amount of attention you require. If you become a guys girlfriend, then you can expect to be one of his 3 top priorities juggled between.
For a friend who is not available for you because he prefers friendship of people who do not like , you, the fact is you are lower on the scale of importance than all these other student friends. Or he would find a way to brush them off or ask them to wait until he was done talking to you. So if you decide to stop being a friend to him, you might have to explain why if he asks. And one of the big things you could say, without putting blame on him (even if you're right...it works to keep other person open and listening and not closing off the moment they think they hear character complaints against them. So just mention how you feel.
Example: "Joe, everytime we are talking and someone walks up and interrupts, you give them your full attention and that makes me feel left out and not as important. I am the kind of person who needs a friend who makes me feel important to them and that isn't happening with us. You know that these people you are hanging out with are people I don't get along with and I wouldn't consider asking you to choose between me and them. You are free to talk to whomever you like but it isn't working for me. So I feel it is better to no longer pretend, and try to find time to spend together with each other. Sure it hurts but hon....that is what relationships friends or dating is about, we have to open our hearts to make a connection and so are hearts are vulnerable to getting hurt, be it from a friend or a mate/partner. Dating is actually a good venue in which to discover more about a person when two people are attracted to each other. In dating you learn more about the person so you can decide if you want to continue dating or move on because you do not like how they treat you and that means you need to have your standards of what you expect from a friend or someone more than a friend. If what you expect is unreasonable, then every person will say so. If only a few find your rules, boundaries and wishes in a guy too harsh, then its because they have low self esteem and know at the start they won't be able to win you over. YOu are young enough that it is hard confronting a person on a relationship issue. YOu feel you may be overthinking it or unfair but you deserve respect from those who call you their friend and he is not treating you with respect.
If he seems to have no problem with you moving on, then you'll know you're making the right move cus hon, its not worth staying with anyone long term if they don't treat you nicely. I married at 20 and spent 30 yrs with a man who was verbally abusive and said he loved me as a person but told our counselor that he had never been in love with me. That explained a lot. I did find a good 2nd husband and now have a wonderful happy relationship with both of us in love with the other. So at the right time, when you are actually ready for the right person, they will come along.
Good luck
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My honest opinion is: it isn't worth it. It's causing you to look at yourself negatively, and it seems like you've tried your best to remain friends and accomodate him even it it's uncomfortable for you. He does not appear to be trying to uphold the friendship with you or consider your feelings, so it might be best to distance yourself. Maybe once he graduates he will grow up and realize who his real friends are and get away from the freshman girls. It's possible that he liked the attention from them and didn't see or care how they made you feel. No matter what you do, just know that it's nothing you did, and that you've tried to be a good friend to him!
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