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I think my mother may be a narcissist. Am I evil if I cut her off?
22/f
I have recently started suspecting that my mother may in fact be a narcissist. As I researched the subject further,it all started to make sense. It was now clear why she only acknowledges me if I do something that could be labeled as a success. Why she always yelled at me when I got sick,saying I was a burden to her then later apologized and said she was only worried about me. Why she twists my words and makes me feel like I don't even know what I'm saying. The list goes on...
She has even gone so far to demonize my boyfriend who she NEVER even met. She claims she did this because he is not worthy of me (as her arguments she used that he doesn't have a PhD,he is not rich nor exceptionally handsome.)
I struggled to explain to her that he is worthy and is the nicest guy I've ever dated but it was futile. I have to see him in secret now in order to maintain our relationship.
He and I are planning to move abroad next year to pursue a better life. When this time comes,I want her out of my life. She has done so much damage that I just cannot wait to be free of her. But I'm worried that this makes me a bad person. Am I evil and a spoiled brat for simply wanting peace after a 22-year-long destructive mother-daughter relationship?
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If your evil for wanting to cut your mother out of your life then I am evil for cutting my father out of mine and I do not consider myself evil. For my entire life I saw my father as the evil person in my life. I was blamed by him for all his trouble you see I was not planned I just happened. I felt little if any love from him.
I was more than twice your present age when something happened that placed the proverbial straw on the camel's back. I informed my sister she would have to deal with her father for I was done. I wrote him the nastiest letter I have ever written until then and since outlining every hurt he ever did to me as far back as I could remember which was back to my early childhood as I have photographic memory. I told him I wanted an apology and reparations for what he took from me and most of all I wanted an apology to my wife for what he said to her or he was not to contact me, my wife or his grandson.
Most narcissists will never apologize for they are never wrong and my father never apologized even when proven wrong. I never spoke to him again and when he died I did not feel obligated to attend his funeral.
My answer to you is NO I would not consider you an evil person. I would say before you cut your mother from your life that you give her the option of changing the way she treats you. Narcissists are also controllers. Your mother is trying to control your life and that you cannot allow.
I would suggest you sit down and write your mother a letter as I did my father. In that letter you explain to her that you just can no longer tolerate the way she treats you. You are an adult and have a right to your own life run as you see fit to run it.
If she wants to have a relationship with you then she has to change. You will no longer listen to any criticism or suggestions from her. If she wants to know what is going on in your life you will be happy to tell her. Unless she is willing to be supportive of what your doing you are not interested or want her opinion, suggestions or criticisms.
Those are the rules under which she can have a relationship with you in the future. If she cannot abide by the rules then you do not want her contacting you any more. You can add if you wish any circumstances such as a medical emergency and how she may contact you. I would suggest a third party be used as I had to change my phone number. I changed both my cell and home numbers.s as my father got it into his head to start harassing me by calling at 2 or 3 in the morning and just hanging up when I answered.
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Wikipedia defines "Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder, characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.[1] People with the disorder are often perceived as arrogant, callous, envious and tend to be exploitative in their interpersonal relationships. They can be excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity. Those with NPD generally lack emotional awareness and insight into their own condition, and fail to acknowledge that their behavior is at the root of their own problems as well as the problems they cause for others because, as a personality disorder, their thoughts, perceptions, and actions are generally consistent with their sense of self."
From what you have written you haven't shown us that she is always like this or concerned with her own adequacy, power, prestige, vanity nor have you shown us that she has a lack of empathy for anyone including yourself. Furthermore, such an illness has to be diagnosed by a doctor and believe me if she had this they would do something to address it. Don't self diagnose.
I hate to be blunt but from what I know about mental health and from the tone of your letter perhaps the problem you think she has and are labeling her with may in be your own but you cannot see it as such which is common.
Perhaps it is you unaware as most are that these characteristics exist with you including being too concerned with self and not understanding that you are a bit of a burden to her apology or not.
She wants you to excel in life and does really love you but feels at time you overwhelm her and are a burden in certain instances and perhaps you are. I have from your letter no evidence of 22 years of abuse either.
As far as the guy goes she has high standards for her daughter and wants you with someone who is stable and successful. If she never met him I cannot see the argument he isn't handsome. As far as judging him by his cover goes and making remarks that may be wrong but it comes from a place of caring too much.
If she met him and saw how he cares for you perhaps she would cease. I don't think it's healthy to date someone in secret as it's not fair to him and overall. She may not like it but make her aware.
I think before you wrote this letter that you had decided to throw in the towel and move with this guy. You are entitled to do so but don't think for a moment that this is going to be the perfect life either or solve all your issues as it may not work to live abroad or with him long term.
Your relationship with your mother whether you see it or not is an important one and one you should strive to maintain despite frustrations. It would be in your best interest to get professional counselling on your own or even joint to work through this, your feelings of being damaged and intense animosity as this is not healthy to hold to. Through it you can repair a relationship and perhaps have the one you really wanted develop. If there's an illness on either part it can be taken care of.
A lot of people with the disorder you mentioned always think people are out to get them no matter what their relationship and that all their words are forever twisted and used against them. There is also the presence of irrational thinking which the sufferer can't see. This I can see in you based on the letter.
You aren't evil or a spoiled brat but you have to do the work and repair this relationship and your own life because moving away with him and cutting her off is really doing more to hurt yourself than to her. Ultimately, this relationship is more important than any you have.
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