|
I am about to cut off my best friend who I have known for 16 years
Hi everyone! Recently I have noticed that I am starting to hate my best friend whom I've known for a decade. Reasons
1. She is the only person I communicate with. We chat, talk on phone and hang out daily.Everyone used to joke''Hey,Lena your boyfriend has come''(meaning her). It's like my whole world was my job and my bf. My mom always warned me she would alienate me from my other friends and she was right. She can't stand any other friend next to me constantly telling me about their flaws. As a result I am alone without people I refused to hang out with choosing my bf instead.I have no friends or boyfriend. She's magically made herself my entire world.
2.However, she always has exciting news to tell me about her life and guys who are interested in her. And I don't.Yes I am a bit jelaous bc it seems she lives her life to the full and I don't.I live HER life instead!I'm always a listener.
2.She used to give bad remarks on my appearance when she noticed I felt confident and she didn't. She acts and acted too egoistic taking all the attention(especially when it comes to guys)and making me feel like a second choice.(not sure if intentionally though)
3.In childhood she didn't try to back me up when one of our ''mean girls'' tried to make fun of me. She even joined her. Sounds silly but I still can't forget it though years have passed.
Now I don't answer her calls neither I reply to her messages. And what's interesting? I feel so relieved and fresh as if a burden fell off my shoulders. I don't want to be mean to her though or hurt her feelings.I am not sure if my decision is right. I want to avoid her without hurting her deeply.After all there were really lovely and funny days we spent together and she often would tell me she loved me a lot.I did too but now I am really exhausted and tired of her emotionally.I get stressed and anxious whenever she contacts me.
Of course, there are other minor things that make me do so..I can't express them with words.
Anyone who had a similar experience or can give me solid advice,please express your opinion.
Sorry for a long post and thanks beforehand everyone for your replies.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
The post isn't long compared to how I write. I do appreciate all the details as its harder to answer those who dont and why I tend to have to answer to several different scenerios.
This sounds like two things to me. First, a low self confidence or esteem which I picked up on from your statement "She used to give bad remarks on my appearance when she noticed I felt confident and she didn't.
No matter what one person is lacking in themselves or beleives themselves to be lacking, instead of gaining what they lack by admitting they feel this way and working on themselves, people tend to go what they feel is the easier route, to make those around you who ARE confident to feel lower than you by tearing you down constantly. If she's been like this ever since you can remember, she's not about to change and this is a kind of behavior I will no longer tolerate in my life. Had this and more from an ex for 30 yrs. So I can't blame you for being tired of it, especially when the stress of it has you tied up in knots.
Secondly, she may for whatever reason need more attention than others or naturally be an astrology sign where a trait is a desire to be the center of attention. This means the person needs an audience, even if its an audience of one. Let me explain with a caregiving job I was given to help out an elderly woman around the house. She would first cut me down about my own skills so she could feel better and then she actually said, "Watch me. Watch how I do it and learn." I am a peace loving person and was willing to say "okay, I've got it now and I will do it your way." Anything from mopping to doing dishes, laundry, etc... But the moment I tried to step in, she physically shoved me aside and said, "No, I'm going to do this myself." One day is one thing but this repeated every day with her grabbing the broom or washcloth out of my hands and making me watch so I had nothing to do. And cutting me down about my abilitys along the way.
So I told my boss the details, that all the lady wanted me for was an audience, so someone would know she is still capable of doing things even tho she was getting old. I wanted to be somewhere that I could really make a difference helping. I didn't have to go back.
The thing about stealing all the attention when it comes to guys goes back again to low self confidence. She may get a lot of initial interest, by once the guys get a glimpse of what you've been living with for 16 yrs, they lose interest and avoid her so its not all so rosy in her court. If she was such a catch, she'd have had a long term boyfriend by now with other guys asking her to leave him and date them. That is not the case from what you said. I have heard of many such girls who will do whatever they can to even steal all new boyfriends away from their girlfriend, and not because they are interested in the guy for themselves, they just can't stand you getting the attention they want for themselves.
I suspect she would do well seeing a professional, perhaps a psychologist who works with odd behaviors like this to get to the root of how it started and help her improve thru therapy targeted at the thoughts going on in her head when she is doing this stuff, cognitive behavior therapy. It doesnt mean she's crazy or mental but her thoughts are very destructive and she targets them at you.
I read in a womans magazine an article that stuck with me, It said that we don't have a knight in shining armor who'll come save us from whatever. So we need to realize that we have to do that ourselves and realize we're not being selfish by having to think of ourselve first before the others, cus no one else has the power to change things in your life for better or worse, only you do. So this is act of considering/cutting her off, is first and foremost in your heart, intentionally an act to love yourself, protect yourself and that is a right we all have. You can't prevent people from being hurt or even understanding it as you do and realizing they need some professionanl help. Without help, to see what she is doing and without any desire to change for the better, she remains the same and will have no long lasting friends or boyfriends and may well alienate herself with coworkers and bosses life long and end up hopping from one job to another. I think thats what happened with my ex, always let go from many jobs. I didn't see it until just before a divorce, a professional saw him and I learned the ex had mental illness, another thing besides distorted thinking that can ruin any kind of relationship, with family, friends and people at work. Eventually someone gets tired of it and cuts that person off, not wanting to deal with them. Since there is nothing professional you can do to help her, I know its sad, theres lots of people like that I wish I could help, I feel you are making the best decision for yourself. You are not a mean spirited hard hearted person for taking this action. The fact you've put up with it so long actually highights your best traits, being very loyal, forgiving, loving and caring and this one act of cutting her out of your life means you are opening your chances to shower many many others with those traits rather than just one for whom it has no effect at all. There comes a time in our lives when we've given others enough chances to see how we operate by a set of higher standards and if they dont want to become more like us or are unable to mentally, then you have done your best. Yes, she may be pissed, as my ex was when I left. He even lied to people trying to make me look bad to them and one person he told was loyal to me and reported this back. Nothing she says or does can hold water when it comes to you. Those who really know you won't pay mind. ANd those so foolish they would believe her aren't worth having as friends anyways.
Good luck dear.
]
More Questions: |