|
I don't want another baby but he does
I'm very torn. I'm 7 weeks pregnant and have been with my fiance for 2 1/2 years. I have 3 children from a previous relationship. I thought I was done with kids. He knew this. I got pregnant accidentally, anyway.
I'd like to abort it but it would break his heart. He would love to have a child of his own. He's been so excited about it even though I've been going back and forth.
We can financially support a child and everything but it would make things a little bit of a struggle for a time. I'm 38 years old, my youngest is 9 years old and I don't know if I want to do it all over again. I want to travel and focus on things in my life and focus on my current children. But is it unfair of me to think only of myself? Will I resent him if I have this child, for him?? I also think I may lose him if I do have an abortion though he's said he would support me either way, I know it would crush him.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Abortion?
You say you got pregnant accidently. I dont know if there was any birth control being used, but even just the fact that you communicated in what ever way to him that you did not want any more kids, and he was still wanting to be with you says something. I may be off here but just based on what you've written and what I read into it, I am guessing that if he's late 30s like you or 40, that at this point, he wasn't really thinking about fathering kids and was willing to have a relationship with a ready made family. I don't know of many who have kids at this point in age unless they were so into climbing the corporate ladder that kids didnt fit into the picture earlier.
I don't know about any previous relationships of his if any and the circumstances, but if he made it to 38-40 without having a kid, I am guessing it wasn't all that high on his list. Heres my reasoning from a true life story.
I know someone who wasn't 30 yet, she remarried and had a child of her own and due to complications after, decided it was best if she never had another. The 2nd husband knew this going in but after some time, he decided it was very important to him to father at least one child of his own and she wasn't going to budge on her stance and I understand that and sided with her that it was important that she not have another kid for her handful of reasons all valid.
So they were at a stalemate, he couldn't have kids with her, so he divorced her in order to find someone to love with whom he could have kids.
For that man, the desire to have his own biological kid was so strong that it sealed his decision to divorce. You have the right over your body. Not trying to be crude but think of it this way, you own a factory, a baby factory. It's all yours. You decide when you will be going in to production, and the quality of the materials needed to manufacture babies. The material would be the sperm donated. Long long ago before birth control, before supermarkets and clothing stores and diaper service, when it was much harder to raise one child and clean diapers when wash machines didn't exist yet, some women would decide for other valid reason why not to have a child and would seek out the herbalist for something to take so she doesnt get pregnant. Back then a tea from wild carrot would do the trick but she had to drink it every time she had sex, at least the morning after. There were also herbs that were abortives and riskier to take. So your dilemna is nothing new. Women have been doing this for ages because of not enough resources, and not having enough time for raising another when there are other plans and plain old not enough time. Today we have conveniences but also a whole set of different issues. IT takes two parents working to make ends meet these days. If something were to happen to one, the surviving members would be in a very bad spot financially. With 3 kids and the costs for everything they will yet need, etc. There are many valid reasons to decide not to have a child. Think of the quality of life for the child if it has to go into daycare so you can work, the resentment of older kids that you have to focus on a baby when they are now going thru the most angst ridden years for any person, the older child thru HS years. They will need you to be able to be there for them, establishing that good connection so they will free and able to talk to you about any subject. This can't happen when a new baby is taking up your time so the kids lose out, just so a man who wasn't planning on ever having kids, decided on impulse that he wanted this last one.
Like the people I know, perhaps he would leave you if you had the abortion. You need to do whats best for the already existing children to have the quality of life they need. It might sound selfish to others who don't look totally at the whole picture but you will have to ignore any who say hurtful things as most would do the same if stuck in your shoes.
You are correct in wondering if you would resent him. Maybe not at first but resentment has a way of creeping up in marriages where one or the other had to give something up to keep the other. The resentment is enough to kill the relationship. This happens often enough with couples who marry who are best of friends but theres no sexual compatibility and so one or both begin to resent the other in that area and have affairs to get their needs met, or they end up divorcing. And child who isn't planned but born anyways to a family, may pick up on the non tangible things, its one thing if it doesnt get everything it wants, but if it senses the vibes of frustration or resentment from you that you can not do the things you planned in life because you have to be taking care of him/her, a child will feel it and hurt inside and could experience feelings of rejection or low self image, etc... and have other issues/problems. Its best to not even go there and hope nothing like this happens. Make the decision that you are most comfortable with. He knew you were done with kids. Just becuase of an accident he is all of a sudden excited is no reason to change your plans. He was okay with it before, so if he cant be okay with it now that you want an abortion, then perhaps he may have loved you but was never really 'in love' with you or keeping you happy would be higher on his list.
]
It sounds more to me like you don't want the child and if this is the case you shouldn't let anybody pressure you into keeping it if you're solid on your side of the decision.
I know you say you have the finances for it, but are you taking into considering what age your current children are. If your youngest is 9 you still have middle school, high school and college to make it through with him and I don't know the ages of your other children, but high school and college are very expensive.
You should also think about what will happen if sometime in the next decade one of you suffers a long term hospitalization, job less, ect. Will you still have the finances available to cover that and another child?
You said things would be tight, so I'm guessing, no.
Don't put your family in a bad place when you already have 3 kids to worry about that he should love as his own. Just talk to him and tell him your worries and make sure you're thinking about all the added stress a fourth child would bring too. How will your current kids feel about not being the focus anymore? How will they feel about money that could potentially be going to their college funds going to another child?
There's a lot to think about here. If he truly loves you he will understand that the commitment of a 4th child is going to put strain on everything including the relationship.
]
The child should be considered a blessing even if unplanned for you and your family. I have a feeling you would regret it if you didn't have it. You may not want a child now but once you bond with it you may change your mind. The funds are also there to care for it. I doubt you will resent him but you can bet it would be the other way around if you didn't have it. Think of the bigger picture and yourself to arrive at your decision.
]
More Questions: |