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Am I Overreacting to This?
A friend was telling me that someone called her unreliable and I agreed that she was b/c she rarely shows up to important things and doesn't ever text/call when she goes missing for days at a time. She got defensive and was more upset than I knew. A few days later we were talking with other friends and she told me that I "talked more shit than anyone else". I feel hurt that she would say this and seeing that I was hurt she said "well you called me unreliable". I'm still hurt by the comment and considering gradually ending the "friendship", am i overreacting?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Yes, but I'd have to say that it isnt just you, the friend is over-reacting. Often what we mean to really say tactfully doesn't come out right. I know that so if someone fumbles and the words almost sound like an insult, I choose to not take things personally especially if I know the person really well, know their heart and that they care about me. There are right and wrong ways to share certain words with another. It is a skill that hopefully both of you will learn sometime soon in life. There are even books on good communication, whats the proper way and what not to do. YOu now have a personal memory of what not to do. It's best to not say or agree with anything bad about a friend behind their backs either because it has ways of coming back to them. Every one has shortcomings, the things they are not good at. But when its a friend, the fact that they are a friend means there is plenty more than the few things you don't like about them that make them your friend. Its a matter of accepting a person with shortcomings, annoying as they may be, as long as they are not doing any long lasting physical, emotional or mental hurt to you. An example of what I am talking about a person in your life who is always verbally abusive, it never stops. That is harmful stress wise to you and adds up after time has gone by to bring on physical illness or emotional problems for you. That is not the case here with your friend.
As annoying as it may be that she is always late, there are ways a round that. I have known several people like that who never changed no matter how old they got but we liked their friendship anyways for other reasons. So any time we wanted them to be somewhere at a specific time, we took into account the average of how late they tended to run. For one person it was an hour. So if you're hosting a party that starts at 8 pm, on her invite you tell only her that it starts at 7pm so when she arrive later, she's arriving the same time as others or if it takes a bit longer, at least she is still there reasonably not too longer after other guests. I hope this trick helps you as it has helped me.
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Short answer: Yes, you are.
This will blow over if your friendship was solid to begin with. She's hurt by the remark and a knee jerk reaction is to hit you back. You should ask her to talk one on one. Explain that you should have used more tact in talking to her and didn't know she would be that hurt.
Point out you were actually trying to help her by explaining how some people have and are interpreting her behavior and why friends think they cannot count on her to follow through. Mention the things above and ask what's going on in her life with being missing etc and what can you do to help.
You should tell her that she shouldn't get defensive but that you wouldn't be a very good friend if you knew what others were saying and thinking about her and didn't bring it to her attention and be straight up as it's affecting all of her relationships.
She is being defensive and pissed off because she knows it is the truth and is think skinned and perhaps doesn't know how to change and wasn't expecting you to call her on it.
The thing is she brought it up so she was asking for a response from you that may not be what she wanted. Point that out. If she still doesn't come around than it's really on her not you. See where the chips fall after talking things over.
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