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Friends keep ranting to me about out friends!
So my friends are ranting about my other friends to me (who are their friends as well). I love that my friends don't create drama, but they're being two faced. They're so nice to someone's face and then they go and rant about them to me, or maybe someone else. Who knows what they've said behind my back! I mean, if they have a problem with someone, tell them nicely, otherwise they'll probably keep doing it without knowing it's affecting them. Instead, they rant about it to me.
The thing is, I would tell them to talk to the other person about it, but then they might take it the wrong way, and not come to me if they have an issue and I can help, like they'll feel like they can't talk to me about their problems.
I don't want to just stand there and agree with everything they say either.
One time one of my friends texted me ranting about my other friend who is her friend too and then when I told her to talk to her about it and not me, she was like "I can't even talk to my own friend". I know this was a bit dramatic of her, but my point is I want to still be thought of as nice and I want to be there for my friends, I just don't know what to say when they do this.
Sorry if this was confusing to read, but hopefully my question is somewhat clear. Thanks for reading!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Perhaps your friends are unaware of what they are doing, it started as fun and something to do and quickly became a bad habit.
Its going to be touchy attempting to bring up the subject tactfully so you don't offend them but it may go wrong simply because they are young and immature to begin with. But if you want to keep the friendship and this drama of being two faced is beginning to affect you in not so good ways, then its time to say something or stop seeing any of them. I am sure you'd rather find a way to continue to be friends if possible.
I;ll use name of Kim for friend. Lets say Julie just left your group to go somewhere and as soon as Julies gone, Kim says, I can't stand how she does her hair, she's always spending less time on her hair than the rest of us, and then others say her hair looks better than ours. They should like our hair cus we know how to style it better."
There is always a reason in a persons mind for saying things. It always starts with a thought but unfortunately, in that statement right there, is distorted thinking and jealousy, very good causes of why she is spouting off in negative ways about someone. So you need to draw her attention to what shes doing and most important ask what she is hoping this will accomplish and or how it will help her.
You: Kim, exactly why are you telling me this? (she says her reason which wont be the cause of the reason why she does this) Next you can ask, so is your saying this stuff about her making the issue in your mind go away? Is it making you feel better, so you get over it and its no longer a problem? (If she says yes it makes her feel better, you only need wait until the next time Kim brings up the subject of Julies hair and complaining about Julie) Then you can say, As I remember, I asked you if talking about it helped you to get over it so it no longer bothered you. Did you realize you are talking about the same issue again? This means the talking about it isn't helping you deal with it. I know that there are two sides to each issue. If you want to sit and talk with me and not afraid to explore the root issues that might be here causing this to bother you so much, maybe a constructive talk like that will help. I dont know much like a counselor would but I can at least tell you what I see if you want to hear. Then give your opinion. If you agree that Julies hair looks better than yours or Kims even though she spends less time on it, less fuss, then agree. But life isn't fair or exactly the same for all of us. We only have the kind of hair, thick, thin, straight or curly that we inherited through our genes so its not fair either to compare ourselves to her. What we can do that is more help is learn how to care for our hair type and colors and styles that fit our skin color and face shape better and how to find alternative ways to fix up our hair so it also looks nice but it doesnt have to look exactly the same as Julies.
If you can get someone like Kim to admit She's envying Julie but knowing you and her can have fun trying to explore different things you can do for your hair types, it will refocus her attention from bitching behind someones back to doing something constructive/that helps. Thats a lot to ask of yourself. So if you feel this gal is worth helping, do it. Make sure you dont come across as better than her cus that will shut her down to not be willing to listen to you. Its best to start out with saying something that lets her know you understand cus 'you've been there and done that" whether really true or not, if you can say, You know, I am tempted to say things like that too, cus I see how easy it is for her hair to look great but I found that complaining about it to others didn't solve my problem with my hair. Mines too straight, perms just hurt it and I want some way to make it look fancy and still fit in at school and not stick out as odd looking. (in this case you both could explore the internet together for hair tricks for straight hair.) If you see what I am trying to say with this long drawn out example, there may be help for your two faced friend if someone could get her to see that its not that Julie is doing something wrong or bad, its that she, Kim isn't happy about something. I hope this works for you with that friend. I know its a lot and perhaps at her age, it might not work or be worth the bother for you, but its all I know to suggest.
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Yeah, this is how it is with young girls. I'm assuming you guys are teenagers, and female, so gossiping is natural.
I have a particular friend who gossips and rants about me behind my back, too. He also talks crap about our other friends. The main problem is that, we're in our 20s. And we are all men.
Next time your friend tries to gossip why not just call her out on it? Tell her that she's being immature and that she should stop being a toxic friend and worry about her own life.
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