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Why Does My Dad's Family Treat Me Like I'm Nothing?
I feel bad saying this, but my dad's family is full of selfish, unloving jerks who leave me out and make me feel like I'm not even part of the family. My own grandmother, my cousins, and my other extended relatives treat me like I'm nothing. It's hurtful and I don't understand why they have to be like this, but I'm sick of it and wish it would stop.
The thing is that they don't treat my dad or my sister like this, just me and my mom. My grandmother is the one who really sucks and my sister does actually have to put up with her crap on occasion. I don't know of a person other than my dad and cousins who don't.
There are a few reasons I can think of that might be like this. The first is that they weren't very happy when my parents announced that my mom was pregnant with me. Both of my uncles only had one child and my grandmother seemed to like that because when she went to visit a grandchild, she could have one on one time with that grandkid without another one being in the way. I ruined that for her when I was born. She only had a year and a half with my older sister before that happened. I also think she wanted me to be a boy and thought it was stupid that my parents had two girls.
The last reason I can think of that they may be like this is because they hate my mom and my mom doesn't like them either. My grandmother's like a cat. She doesn't just GIVE you love (at least not much), you have to earn it even if your her grandkid. One way she wants me and my sister to earn her love is by treating our mom and other grandparents like dirt. When we didn't was when my sister got on her bad side and when I got one more strike against myself.
They leave me out of everything including things that I SHOULD be a part of and my dad doesn't do anything about it. My mom's family never leaves my dad out of anything. He's always invited to come visit them any time the rest of us are and I have one uncle who buys us all plane tickets to come see him. The was one time he wasn't invited to go to dinner with my mom, granddad, and uncle when my uncle was in town, but neither was my sister or I. It was because they had to talk to my mom about something important that they didn't want to talk about in front of us. They were talking about taking my grandmother off of life support and wanted to break that news to us after they decided whether they'd do it or not. My dad was butt hurt about not being invited though and kept talking about how weird that was. Then when his daily leaves me or my mom out, he helps them and thinks it's weird if my mom and I are upset about it. He's like, "Why do need to be invited? That's weird. You always think it's weird when you're not invited somewhere?"
I still live near my parents which is about an hour from my grandmother. My sister lives about ten hours away. When she comes to town, my grandmother invites us all to come see her. If she's not in town, then only my dad's invited and doesn't tell us he's going until right before he leaves. Yesterday, he and they had thanksgiving without us while my mom and I had it with my granddad. The fact that they didn't want us at their FAMILY thanksgiving makes me feel unloved, especially since they'd have wanted my sister there. My own grandmother could Cate less about seeing me unless she gets to see my sister too.
I'd understand if I was an a$$ hole to her too, but I'm not. We went to my sister's place for Thanksgiving last year and I gave up my usual bedroom for her. We went through a lot of trouble just so she COULD go with us last year and this is what we get for that? We have thrown birthday parties for her before and yet she won't even acknowledge my birthday or my mom's. She doesn't reciprocate anything we do for her.
The MOST hurtful thing she's even done was back in January. My parents were out of town and my granddad had to have emergency surgery to repair a hole in his intestines. While I was in the waiting room, I used my phone to look up his prognosis on the internet. I found out it wasn't good and then a doctor came in a told me that his chances were very small. He said he had a horrible infection, his kidneys had shut down (a sign of death), and his blood pressure was out of control.
My grandmother called (only because my dad asked her to) to ask if I wanted her to come down. I needed someone bad. My parents had a twelve hour drive home, my uncle's were on the way, but wouldn't be here for hours, and long story short, my friends were all out of town. She was the only person who could be there and I told her that I did want her to come down. She tried to get out of it, but I kept telling her that I really needed someone there. She said she'd come, but she called me back a couple of hours later and said she'd decided not to after all. I needed her more than I ever had in my life and she couldn't have cared less.
My mom and I went to visit my sister last weekend and she said something that I've thought about myself before. It's the ugliest thing I've ever said before and I'm ashamed to feel this way, but we both feel that we lost the wrong grandmother. Our late maternal grandmother was an angel and wouldn't treat her worst enemy as rudely as the grandmothet we still have treats her own grandkids.
I guess my question is, why is my grandmother lime this and what, if anything, can I do about it?
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I wish I had a good answer for you, I don't. The best answer I can give you is an old saying in that; "The sins of the parents are often visited on the children."
Since you appear to be in your early 20s I would say that saying is appropriate based on what you have written. For some reason your grandmother has decided to blame you for your parents doing something she didn't want them to do. It is not your fault it is your grandmothers’ problem only.
You should still love her and honor her for being your grandmother. The fact that she does not show you her love means you just have to be the bigger person and show her the love of a grandchild. She won't understand but again that is her problem. As for your dad not telling you about things he is doing with his mom. Maybe he is trying to keep the hurt to a minimum. After all she is his mother and I'm sure he loves her as you love your mom.
It is not only grandparents or Aunts and Uncles that play this game. My Aunt did this with my two cousins. My oldest cousin could have been Miss America if it was truly judged on beauty alone. My Aunt doted on her and her son got the leftovers.
Today her son is a very successful and well respected Attorney. Her daughter is married to a man that can't seem to keep a business a float and needs his son to bail him out. TO this day brother and sister do not talk to each other one is 75 and the other is 72. I talk to both and they never ask about the other all because of what their mother did to them.
Don't let this happen to you and your family. Be the bigger person and just ignore her insulting way. Do as I said; honor her for being who she is, your grandmother. Your parents and extended family will take notice of this I'm sure and you will benefit in the long run.
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Wow, that was long winded lol. ok im gonna try to break some of this down for you as simply as i can, you didnt state your age or anything so im going to assume that because your parents are still trying to keep you in the dark on certain things pertaining to other family members health that your rather young.
It sounds like, your grandmother was never totally accepting of your mother, and it sounds like thats why theres some devision in the family tree here. Although she may seem to be MORE "ok" with your sister then you, doesnt ness. mean that shes an absolute favorite either....
Could there be a possibility that your sister one day learned to put her foot down with your gramma and thats why she maybe respects her a little more ever since?
Could there be a chance that you could tell her yourself that the day she up and just "decided not to come to your side after all" that you were really disappointed in her?? and just give her a blank stare?
Sometimes as a youngster in a family of other siblings, your feelings can be put on the back burner so to speak, and you have to do certain things to make yourself SEEN and considered as a person to make SURE that your valued, but once you do it can definitely turn out for the better.
Heres somethings you could try to sort of make yourself a little bit more "seen" by her. If you go over there and she needs something and you run to get it for her, you can walk up with said item and make SURE she says thank you to you. maybe just a simple "excuse me, i didnt hear a thank youuuu" in a playful sort of light hearted way so that if she takes it too seriously you can say you were just kidding. This can show that YOU have a personality too that might be WORTH getting to know. Then over time, she may start to "see you" more.
with family members like this you have to command acknowledgement. MAKE yourself known, say things loud enough so that more then just she can hear it. You can still be loving and kind as a family member without coming off as mean.
Maybe if your sitting somewhere with her and theres just a couple people around, you can calmly say "hey can i ask you something" and when she says "what?" you can (very calmly) ask her about the day when she "couldnt make it" to the hospital after she said she would. Let her respond and use your own judgement to figure out if you think shes lying about it or not. then calmly respond back how you felt about it, that you really needed someone that day, and that no one else showed up and youve just been feeling really disappointed about what happened" Sometimes when people are being directly called out on their bullshit, they will brake down and tell you exactly whats going on.
As an adult you need to be able to stay calm, and not let your emotions over come you when your responding back, aka yelling back at her, or not excepting what should be a reasonable answer.
Its best to stay completely poker faced when confronting situations like this, people need to feel like your really hearing them out. So make sure that you maintain eye contact and act like your listening while staying quiet and calm about it. This will also show her that your completely serious about what your saying and that if she has something she wants to say to you about whatever it is, that now is the time.
If anyone else tries to get in the middle of the conversation, calmly let them know that your trying to have an important discussion with her and that your in no way trying to be disrespectful, your just asking for some answers, and to be more involved in important matters. I would also mention that you dont like being left in the dark about things as well.
When it comes to your grandmother, the bottom line is that she may view you in a way that you dont like. Its your job to change it, and show that you are capable of handling whatever it is they are talking about.
You can also ASK her if your ever alone together why she never invites you to things that you'd really like to be there for. You could tell that you love her, and youd like to get to spend more time with her. Everyone needs their gramma and let her know that your interested. Maybe if she thinks your interested in return and that you value her, then she might try harder??
About your relationship between your mom and your gramma.....Sometimes people think their lives are going to go one way and then it goes another, and sometimes its in way we never expected it to go and your grandmother may not have liked the way hers went. She probably realizes that shes older now and things didnt turn out the way she thought they would and she could just be really unhappy about it. Sometimes you DONT end up getting a great daughter in law and you end up not getting along with her. Thats life and theres nothing we can really do about it.
sometimes people just arent happy with their lives and they focus on the wrong things (like ignoring a grand child) because they are so tied up in their own battle with themselves that they are sort of just existing day to day and not really living.
One way to snap people out of something like this is to gently confront the person about then things theyve been neglecting because of the fact that they have been so "busy" internally.....does that make sense?? If you need more help please feel free to hit me up.
good luck
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