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Should I feel bad for my cousin? (Long read, but I feel conflicted)
So I'm a guy btw and my cousin (I'll admit she's always been attractive) has always been a total b*tch to me. Basically, she's always been a fitness nazi and super condescending (I was always a pretty chubby guy, but I got with the gym scene in college and stuck with it ever since).
Anyway, she just flew in for Thanksgiving and, I kid you not, she gained like 25 lbs! Right now, she's sitting in our living room in yoga pants and slippers, eating pie! Her butt got huge and she's got love handles now, and it's not even Thanksgiving.
Also, here is a pic of her shoes (for the lulz, I guess) [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
My mother just asked her "So, how've you been? Everything alright?" and her response was "Yeah, I broke up with --- and I guess I put on a few holiday pounds, but *mouth full* I've never felt better".
I feel bad saying this, but - I really like seeing her like this. I'm not intimidated by her anymore. She just finished an entire pie (which was for Thanksgiving btw) with her feet up on our ottoman, went upstairs to the fridge, came back down with ben&jerry's and is out of breath. I mean, the same person that I was so nervous around has crumbs on her face and just wiped her hands on her shirt!
But, another part of me actually feels kind of awkward/guilty watching her give in to every little temptation and craving (mainly because that's what I used to do, and she was quick to criticize me)
Thought? Help? Advice?
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What you are feeling is somewhat like "getting revenge on her for treating you as she did when the tables were turned, without having to actually do anything to her to feel the satisfaction of revenge. However, the reason you feel conflicted is likely your conscience telling you that what you feel is not right either. In life, we only have total control over changing and improving ourselves, not over ability to make others change.
So it is best to focus on you. So even if you dont say the things to her that she did to you, you are reveling in it. Who hasn't? At least once in life, we can all remember a time when we gloated over someone. Its a natural reaction, not the best one, but if we're honest, we all have done so.
The best thing for you, would be to find a way to be able to forgive her, even if she doesnt ask for it or see a need to. you dont need to tell her she's forgiven, that doesnt fix her current problems and it really doesnt do much for you either. If you want to know what a possible next step is, try to take the time to put yourself in her shoes. Treat her with respect and care and unconditional love, all the things she with held from you. This isn't about whether she deserves it or not. Its about healing both for your pain from the past and also healing for her from her more recent pain of a break up. I have a feeling she's not sharing something. SHe never may, but whatever in detail happened with her boyfriend, whether how he actively treated her or just how she distortedly concluded what things meant, she is very deeply hurt to the point of loss of self worth, self image, self confidence, Hurt and possibly stuck in the grieving process of her loss. She may not be ready to share whats really going on inside her. She needs empathy tho and if anyone knows what its like to be in her current 'shoes', that would be you. If you can find a way to start a friendship now with your cousin, be supportive, encouraging and gain her trust, perhaps the day will come where she trusts to share with you what happened and you can encourage and support her in regaining her self confidence as a woman. She needs someone who can be encouraging no matter how she brought this all upon herself, including treatment of you and whatever her complicating matters in the past relationship. She needs a hand to grasp to help pull her out of the pit she's created for herself.
SHe might not be ready. Use tact if you choose to speak to her. If you ask how she is feeling emotionally since the break up, what actually happened, thats a good way to start. Try to find one little thing that you can compliment her on that is part of who she is. Even tho she was bitchy person in the past and may still be, having unconditional love sent her way just may change her. So dont remind her what she said or did but you could share in general how you felt when once chubby and use other people to make a point. Point the finger at her and she just may shut down before you can help. I hope this gives you some ideas. Good luck.
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She is probably having some type of breakup grief. Hopefully she is not pregnant which would be an entire different answer to your question, somewhat anyway.
Depending on how long she was in the relationship and what caused the relationship to break up will be the reason for hope deep her grief over the break up is. If he broke up with her and she never saw it coming then her grief will be deeper then if relationship was in trouble and they finally split by mutual consent.
Giving her emotional support is the best advice I can offer. It does not sound like you two were ever all that close but now you have the chance for a closer relationship if you want one.
What I suggest is you talk to her. Say something like I heard you and xxx broke up. I can see it has been hard on you . I have big shoulders if you would like to lean on them or cry on them or just talk it out. I'm a great listener.
If you can get her to talk to you then you can steer the conversation around to the question of why is she hurting herself over him. Especially if he is the one that het her. You bolster her with words to the effect he didn't deserve her, he wasn't good enough for her and he certainly isn't worth hurting herself over. Then see if you can get her to go to the gym with you.
Emotional support is the best thing you can do for her. Depending on how long this has been going on with her. It might be good to suggest grief counseling. There are all types of grief and she is from what you have written sounds to be in a state of grief. She might just need professional help to climb out of the hole she has dug for herself.
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