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What to Do When Grandmother in Law Won't Acknowledge Your Son
If a Baptist woman married into a catholic family and started attending catholic church, would it be wrong for her to be offended by some of their catholic beliefs that she doesn't agree with? Would it be wrong for her to be irritated by them trying to push her beliefs on her like she's supposed to live her life their way even though she knew they were like that before she got married?
What if the woman and her husband were married near her home town even though it's ten hours away from where she and he live now. The wedding was in a Methodist church (because it was the prettiest in town) and her former Baptist preacher officiated. Everyone in the groom's family was on board except his grandmother. She is set in her ways and told his parents that they weren't really married because a catholic priest didn't marry them. What does that even mean? That marriage is only a catholic thing? That's BS! I would never tell an atheist that they weren't really married because marriage is only a Christian thing. It's irritating that she would say something like that and have that, "My way is the ONLY way" attitude.
Then the man and woman have a son the same year that the man's brother has a baby with his wife. They're the two newest of the grandmother's numerous great grandchildren, but they're the only ones that she won't acknowledge because they're not baptized. The woman just doesn't believe in baptizing babies because they don't know what it means to be baptized. They don't understand sin, they don't know who Jesus is or what he did for us, so baptism is meaningless to them. The Bible says that you're supposed to be baptized when you do understand sin, turn from it, and accept Jesus as your personal savior. It has to be YOUR decision, not your parents, so why does this crazy granny think that if the babies were baptized and God forbid, something happened to them, being baptized is the only way they could get to Heaven.
Different people believe different things and I believe that ALL babies go to Heaven. No matter what anyone says, I will always believe this and I find it offensive that some people who don't believe that can say the most insensitive and downright heartless things about deceased infants. If you don't believe that babies go to Heaven, then fine. You have the right believe whatever you want, but please don't say insensitive s--- out loud and then act like you don't know what you said that's so upsetting. If someone (like the particular woman in this story) says something about her baby in Heaven, referring to her miscarried baby, don't tell her that the miscarried baby isn't in Heaven, but rather in a landfill somewhere and expect her NOT to get pissed off.
I know of other people that have lost babies as well. My aunt had a miscarriage, my godmother lost a baby the day he was born, two of my friends had a triplet brother who died at birth. I find it annoying that people like this grandmother believe that because these babies that I care about so much aren't in Heaven because their parents didn't get them baptized. But whatever, they DO have the right to believe that as I said so myself. What offends me is that they tell people those beliefs in a very insensitive way including the parents of such babies.
Now granny has given the parents of both of her new great grandchildren an ultimatum. They can either get the babies baptized or she will not come to town for thanksgiving. The parents don't want to betray their beliefs by baptizing their children before the children are old enough to understand what they're doing and to make the decision to do it themselves. However, thanksgiving isn't the only part of her ultimatum really. She will not acknowledge the kids as her great grandchildren until they are baptized. Now that's really over the top. I know her beliefs are important to her and as a fellow Christian, I can understand that her relationship with God is more important than anything. But I would not refuse to acknowledge a relative with different beliefs than mine and I don't think Jesus would want me to. I mean, we ARE supposed to love each other, right?
This writing was really a lot longer than I meant for it to be and I'm sorry, but I needed to vent. My question is this. Is it wrong if none of the parents of the new babies care if the grandmother comes for thanksgiving? Is it REALLY wrong if they don't want her for thanksgiving because of her hurtfulness even if it means she'll probably be alone for thanksgiving? How would you handle this?
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Answers to first paragraph: One of the definitions of offend is: to be against what people believe is acceptable or proper. Keep in mind the word 'belief/believe. God gave each of us a free will and that freedom includes to believe in a God/Creator or not or if there is a belief, to do so at a level that we are ready for. Humans are too quick to criticize other beliefs in the world, even others of organized religion like Christianity. Our spiritual life was meant to be something between God and ourselves. A church's doctrines and particular beliefs is basically not much more than a construct, the scaffolding and support of a ready made belief system which is helpful to young believers to a faith or those just starting down a spiritual path. God lets the HOly Spirit custom make the path for people. He isn't concerned much about the different practices or beliefs in a religion as long as we work at having a personal relationship with Him and act as his children and heirs to the Kingdom by treating ALL other living souls on earth as our sisters and brothers, no matter if they believe the same or not, that doesnt change the fact all souls came from the same creator and are our family. So the Baptist marrying into a Catholic family can expect their beleif to be different from hers but shouldn't be offended by it. What she can be offended at is any member of this family trying to take away her free will to believe and walk the spiritual path she currently has without forcing her, fighting her to break her down to accept something she doesn't believe. This is what Grandmother is doing, playing emotional blackmail/threats with parents regarding Baptising of infants. Since our faith is a personal walk with God, babies are too young to be at a cognitive age to be making this choice. It has been found that at a basic age of 10 give or take some years that children become capable of understanding the significance and importance to getting Baptized. It doesnt matter whether as a child or adult. God is a loving God and if he knows the heart of a person was turned to Him before having a chance to get Baptized, and their life ends suddenly, He will turn not away one of His children simply because of timing. Personally, I see nothing wrong with standing up to Grandma when she is trying to force family by guilt and ultimatums to practice her beleifs to a T. She is in the wrong for use of force, not for what she believes. Think back to what you believed about life and as a little child was oblivious to how parents worried about paying the bills, other adult stuff and world events and tragedies. Some people starting out on their spiritual path are going to be like toddlers and young kids. We don't expect them to have full cognition of adult concerns and world events yet.
What is actually going on here is bickering between 'siblings' in the family of souls God created. And there is where we all tend to get caught failing to be like a real family, unconditional love, a strong bond no matter what the other beleives, says or does.
Seeing as I am answering already on Thanksgiving, having a free moment, its too late for this event but if granny is like this, her displeasure over how grandkids are raised will continue. This is much like parents raising their kids in a certain church and the child turning 18 or as an adult rejecting the faith they were raised in and forging out on their own to discover what works for where they are at in spiritual beleifs. If the parents kept harassing their adult child, thats meddling, even though there is sadness the child chose another path.
A good compromise to keep peace is if the mixed church faith parents did a compromise, doing a baptism ceremony for the baby and when the child is old enough to choose for their self, get Baptized by dunking underwater. The baptising of a babe is not going to be harmful or a substitute in baptist Moms mind for her child. But in truth, either ceremony is simply that, a ceremony, and doesn't change a thing. If there were no water left on earth, could a person still be in danger of going to hell cus they weren't baptised? See...it does not change the grand scheme outcome what so ever. Just because I say this doesn't mean any of the parents are in the wrong for not doing a compromise. Most adults will always resist something when they feel they are being forced or reprimanded, and with good reason and justification for an attempt at taking away their freedom of choice. It doesnt just apply to religion but many other facets of life, ones sex, sexual or gender orientation and on and on. When people focus so hard on convincing others to go it their way, I beleive the mind is so preoccupied with that, that theres no room for a true personal relationship with God.
Lastly hon, you mention losing a child. I have done lots of reading, especially stories of believers who died and were brought back to life. Often in the short time they were on the other side, they were able to meet up with the soul that was supposed to be their child. From what I've read, It doesnt matter if the child died in utero or anytime before old enough to speak, some see the soul of their lost child in child form and others see the soul of their child as they would have looked if grown to adult. I knew a couple like that who had such an experience and remember them sharing in church, the parent hugging and chatting with the soul of their lost child who was showing themselves in adult form. +So I believe you'll see your child again on the other side, in Heaven.
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Tell her she is welcome to come and be a part of her grandchildren's lives.
Really. That's the thing here: You should make her welcome to be a part of their lives. That doesn't mean living by her rules, it simply means welcoming her into the celebration if she chooses to come. If she doesn't want to come because her faith demands she not - that is very sad, but not a problem you can solve for her.
Let her know she's welcome, but if she feels she can't enjoy the company of her family because they don't believe the same things as she does, then you understand why she feels the need to stay home.
Simply show her the respect she isn't showing you. Either she'll show up or she wont. If she doesn't, it's really only her loss.
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Is it wrong? to my way of looking at this the answer is both yes and no.
It is wrong not to extend and invitation to granny. If she chooses not to attend then the problem is hers not yours or theirs. She will have made her bed and it will be up to her whether she lays in it or not. The rest of the family should not feel guilty that granny is not in attendance.
My father was a lot like granny. He knew all there was and it was his way or the highway. It was this way all my life until he insulted my wife. To this day I do not know what he said to her, my wife will not tell me but she was very hurt by it. I wrote him a letter telling him until he apologized to my wife I wanted nothing to do with him. I knew he would never apologize for he never did. My sister and I always had to apologize to him even when we were right or we got the silent treatment. I never saw or spoke to him again and I have no regrets as he made his bed and I let him lay in it.
My father missed out on many things. His grandsons graduation from college as the Honor Graduate. His grandsons award for Valor from the Fire Department for saving the life of an 18 month old baby among others milestone he has made in life.
People like granny and my dad can be steadfast in their ways. That doesn't mean that you and they as adults have to bend to her will. They are the children's parents. They are the ones responsible for raising their children and it is their beliefs that they must instill in their children. Just as long as they are lawful beliefs no one has the right to interfere of demand anything different.
No one should feel guilty about granny being alone, it is her choice. I doubt missing one family gathering will cause her to change her mind. What will come out of this is it will show her that everyone involved are adults raising their families as they chose. I suggest you all not cave into her.
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