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Telling my mom I want to go on the pill.
My boyfriend and I started dating back in June so we've been together for almost five months now. We've talked about sex before and he said he's ready but he's perfectly fine waiting for me. I'm 21 and he's 22, by the way. Our six month anniversary would be on December 11th, his 23rd birthday is the day before Christmas Eve and then Christmas will be here. Then, he is going on a twenty day road trip all around the west coast with his best friend during the month of January to go visit a friend that goes to college out in Oregon.
So, with everything exciting coming up in December, I want for us to finally have sex as it would be a special time with his birthday and our six months together and one of my favorite holidays. The only thing is that I'm not yet on the pill. I feel like I have a valid enough reason to want to go on it after being with my boyfriend for almost six moths, I think it's about time. It's just that my parents are really rather protective, I guess-my dad, obviously, more than my mom. They're getting better with him and our relationship, though, he is allowed to spend the night at my house as long as I ask them and I'm allowed to spend the night at his place as long as I tell them that's where I'm going and when I'll be home, which I can live with.
I just think discussing my sex life is going to be a really awkward situation and I think my mom will just make it way worse. I plan to tell just her but I know she's going to tell my dad and she already warned me that my dad isn't going to be happy about it but I don't think he'd be happy about a baby either so he should really pick his battles. My mom is just a little overbearing in that she tells me all the time that she needs to know when I want to go on it and that she hopes the man I decide to have sex with is the man I choose to marry and I just know she's going to want to talk to my boyfriend about it too.
I've discussed this with my brother's girlfriend and she said to just go and talk to my doctor and do it all myself but my mom has a very uncanny knack of finding everything out and that situation makes me also nervous in that her and I go to the same doctor and I know the doctor wouldn't just tell my mom but she is on all of my paperwork as the person to tell when something happens. Then my brother's girlfriend told me to not even get on the pill, just have him wear a condom and pull out but I don't think I'd really always trust that either.
My mom is great and I know she has my best interests at heart but this is my first serious boyfriend and I know it's hard for her and my dad to adjust. She tells me constantly, though, that when I'm ready, all I have to do is tell her I want to go on it but I know she won't make it that easy. I think she knows the conversation is coming soon because the other day I told her that I went to American Eagle with my boyfriend to pick up some jeans and they were having a deal that with every pair of jeans, you get a free panty so I was shopping for my free underwear and he was being so awkward about it so I was telling my mom that he asked if he should leave while I looked at those and my mom said "come on, are you meaning to tell me that he hasn't seen your underwear before?"
Anyway, I guess I just need advice on how to handle this. What to say to my mom. How to make the situation as normal and not awkward as possible. If you went through it with your mom and want to share how that went, I'd totally appreciate that too. I know she can't really tell me no, I'm 21 and my sex life is my decision, which is why I'm not sure she wants to know so bad anyway but I respect her enough to go behind her back when I know she is just trying to help.
I love my boyfriend, I really do, and I know he loves me too and I'm so ready to take this next step with him, I just want to be safe about it all first.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Birth Control Pills?
Dear Ms Caution,
The fact that you are willing to tell your mother about this shows that you truly have a bond with her others don't have with their moms. Being safe is important and yes you are at an age to make your own decisions. Whether you decide to tell your mom or not doesn't seem relevant as to the fact that whether or not you are ready to sleep with this person. Maybe you are trying to think you should tell your mom to see if she would talk you out of having sex and thus underlining a decision that you are undecided about. If you feel compelled to tell her than do so but know that in the end you have to make a decision that is right for you. Does this person make you happy? Can you see a future with them? Or are you scared that if you are not ready and decide not to do so that he may or may not stray? These become thoughts in many people's lives but to understand them is only to say that we have to value ourselves first before we make any decisions that will affect the rest of our lives.
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First there are two things you should be aware of that I do not believe you are.
1. You are an adult now and have been since turning 18. Since becoming an adult your parents no longer have any say in you medical care or have access to your medical records without your expressed written permission. Even if you are using their medical insurance. I could be paying your medical insurance it would not give me access to your medical records. Mom can be your emergency contact and still not have access to your medical records.
On your next visit to your doctor tell the doctor that you revoke any medical information privilege (S)under the HIPPA Law that may now be in place for your mother. Do so in writing and state her name. By revoking this privilege the doctor under penalty of law may not tell your mother anything about any visit or anything you are being treated for.
If you want you mother to be your emergency medical contact and decision maker you need to have a medical power of attorney drawn up giving her limited powers incase you are unable to make medical decisions for yourself. In that event she can only be given information relevant to that event.
2. As an adult of 21 years of age you are entitled to a sex life. Your parents no longer can control your comings and goings. It is wonderful that you tell them where you will be so they can contact you if need be though they do not need to be told. Your life is yours and the fact that you live at home does not give them the same control over you they had when you were less than 18 years old.
Speaking of a parent of a child nearly 40 years old I can attest to the fact that the hardest thing is to let go especially when the child still lives at home. That fact does not change the fact that as an adult parents cannot control an adult. TO do so is tantamount to kidnapping if you try things as saying no you can't go out tonight or your grounded once the child turns 18.
IN the same vein a parent does not have to let a child live in their home once they turn 18. What has to be done, especially in your case is you need to take control of your life.
Yes continue to tell them where you will be but tell them, don't ask for permission for you don't need it. You need to sit down with them and explain to them that you are an adult. That you love them and will always honor them when you can. But your life is yours to live and there are something in everyone's life that must remain private yours included. That you expect them to honor your privacy just as you honor their privacy.
If you don't have a conversation with them like this one now then you will have them trying to control your life even when you marry. That would not be good for you and your husband trying to make a life together with in-laws attempting to control your lives.
My advice is go ahead and see your doctor and get on the pill now so that you have a full month on the pill before you have sex with your boyfriend. Your parents have no reason to know this is your life not theirs.
Also until you are in a committed long term relationship, even if your partner is also a virgin he still needs to wear a condom. This adds an extra layer of pregnancy protection as well as protecting you both from many of the STDS out there and the HIV/AIDS virus. Never trust a partner to be STD free unless you both go for blood tests before engaging in sex and then I would still recommend he wear a condom.
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It's illegal for a doctor too tell your mum that you have gone on the pill, as you are an adult and you can make your own decisions. Honestly don't be so worried, you really don't have too tell your mum. It's not hiding anything from her, but I honestly don't think anyone wants too tell their mum they're having sex. If it ever comes up and she asks you if you're having sex, then you don't have too lie, but even if you say no it's not being disrespectful towards your mum, because I definitely wouldn't be able too tell my mum i was having sex. Unless you want too, if you feel comfortable telling her then go ahead. Plus, I've made my boyfriend use condoms for a year now and we've never had any problems. I respect that you're being more careful though, good on you girl. Good luck!
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First things first it is illegal for a doctor to divulge anythng you tell them unless your life is in danger or in a medical crisis. Whether you have the same doctor or paperwork matters not. They cannot ever do it.
Next, you are a grown adult at 21-years-old and need to start living like it. Make decisions about your life on your own. If you want to have sex with someone and have thought it out and want to protect yourself with proper birth control that's a good thing.
Go to the doctor and get the pills. It's not ging behind her back either. If it ever comes up tell her you went to become proteced and responsible and that this aspect of your life is uncomfortable to discuss. I doubt she wants to talk about it other than knowing that but again as an adult you don't need to have said conversation or fill her in or have approval although it would be nice.
At your age you can see any doctor you choose. If uncomfortable going to the sam person your mother sees seek someone else out.
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