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Complicated situation, dont know what to do/say need help ASAP
This is somewhat complicated to explain so I'll try to be brief as I can while still being specific enough to get accurate advice. It might be really long and if it is I'm so sorry...but I'm using this as an outlet to get my thoughts straight and hopefully know what to do...
It would mean a lot if you read it all and even just your general thoughts or comments would be GREATLY welcomed and appreciated.
Okay so a little back story:
Anne has been a family friend since long before I was born, and the God Mother of my niece(who my parents are the guardians of). She didn't come around for years due to health and personal issues but about a year ago she started to visit again, and since my niece(who was having major behavioral problems) started doing better when she would visit there, and since Anna and her were so close when she was a toddler she started spending more and more time there until recently she has been mostly living there and she stays every other weekend here.
A few months ago I got caught drinking.
(Before you start saying "you shouldn't do that" and stuff, I acknowledge that and I regret it. I know this isn't an excuse but I really didn't intend to get drunk as I did, I hate getting to the point I can't control myself and have very few times but I understand I made a mistake and accepted my punishment. But I'll explain more later on)
A day or so after that my Mom had me tell Anne who had stopped by. So we went in my room and I told her what I did and she told me a lot of things she's done and if I had anything else in my room she'd get rid of it for me and that I could trust her.
So since I didn't have much other choice and she told me all these things about her, I started trusting her. I opened up to her and told her a lot of stuff I'd done, and we bonded and over the months and got really close. She started buying me alcohol occasionally, along with chewing tobacco and even other things(I would just like to clarify I have never done and never will do hard drugs).
She'd cover for me with my mom and would give me tips on how to cover myself.
I would go to her for advice,
(I told her things involving people I probably really shouldn't of told her and I regretted saying those things shortly after but I trusted her enough to at least not say anything especially since she was involved anyway.[alot of what I told her was while I was under the influence, but it's still not an excuse, I know...)
I didn't think of her as my most important person or anything(that spot is reserved for my best friend, Donna who I'll talk about later) but we were close enough and since Anna lived with us until I was 2 and she was so close to my older siblings, she said I was like a little sister to her and even asked me to be her child's GodMother(Though she later had a miscarriage...) She told me she'd never say anything about what I'd been doing unless she thought it was becoming a real problem to my health or something of the sort or I did something to try and take my niece away from her and I promised her I'd never intentionally do that.
I'd stay the night there sometimes, help out as much as I could, I drove her husband to work for her all the time, even worked for them with there summer long garage sale, but lately, I haven't been seeing her much since she got a job and I can only use my moms car.
But anyway since I got caught that one time, my mom had been really cracking down on me and constantly saying I smell like booze, going through my room occasionally and things like that and I would talk to her about my mom and she'd tell me things my mom (well, at least supposedly) said to her about me and how she thinks I'm into all these horrible drugs and she wants to take Donna away from me and stuff but with Anne I've noticed, as far as I knew she didn't lie but has a tendency to misunderstand/exaggerate some things so I would keep the things she said in thought but didn't think it was 100% with-out-a-doubt-true, especially knowing my mom. So all I really did was tell Donna who is pretty much involved in almost everything I do and I tell everything to(she even trusted Anna and opened up some to her, not as much as me though)
Now finally on to the present time:
Again, sorry for how long it is...
So about two or so weeks ago my mom said I couldn't use her car to take Amanda's husband to work anymore so I couldn't unless Anna gave me vehicle when her other car is fixed. And I've spoken to Anna only a couple times since then. Last I knew we were on good, normal terms.
(I would like to mention, that through the last few months Donna and as a result I have been doing a lot better in terms of drinking and such, we barely do it much at all anymore(at least compared to how we used to) and neither of us want anything to do with drugs or anything of the like and we were never big on smoking. And a lot of that had a lot to do with Donna staring to chew since it was better than what we were doing. And while I'm not as huge on it and since I can't much because I'm always home, I chew on occasion but not a ton)
But continuing on, a couple days ago I came home and my dad asked me why there were chew spitters in my room, I said they were Donna's, boyfriend's since he's 18, and they actually were his. And my dad started joking about it until he said "Anna said they were yours." And I was mad at first but then thought "okay, my mom probably asked her about it and she didn't know what to say" and messaged her asking about it since I wasn't sure if I can call since I don't know what ours she works. She never replied.
My mom started really lecturing me on it every chance she could get since then, and said "if I catch one more thing involving alcohol, drugs or tobacco you will be grounded till' you move out and you wont be seeing Donna if we have to move."
I just thought it was her just rubbing in my face, but today I was asking her about it since I could have sworn there were no spitters in my room.
And after a while she finally told me:
Anna had come while I was gone the other day and my mom mentioned wanting to go through my room since we have mice. Anna came with her and when one of them found the spitters Anna said it was mine (my mom keeps switching the story that she told both of them or just told my dad, but I heard it from my dad so) she said that I chew at Annas house, that Donna and I drank in my house when my parents were gone on vacation and Donna argued with her when she 'confronted us about it' (which really doesn't make sense since she was checking in on us and was checking in with my mom at the time so it looks bad for her to say that), she said I take "way too many sleeping pills" that the found in my room and some other things.
I was shocked to hear this to say the least, and was furious. I talked to my mom about it for over an hour and she said that she isn't really sure to believe the accusations because it does look really bad for Anna to say that and Anna was acting kinda strange. I was so frustrated my mom even started defending her saying it might be her new medication messing with her and she's really stressed lately, ect.
I calmed down and was just confused...
Half of it was true to some extent but the other half was a complete lie, especially the sleeping pills which honestly made me the most mad since they were Donna's from a while ago and I'd never even taken one before or mentioned them to Anna at all. And the whole 'argument with Donna' thing was literally made up to cover herself.
The only way I think she would do this is if she was really mad at me but I don't know what I could have possibly done to make her that mad. As she said, it would take me taking my niece from her, but I never did anything of the sort.
Unless it some sort of plan she's had for a while but I'm probably thinking too much...
My mom told me not to tell her she told me, but I said I had to ask her about it, at least the chew part since dad already told me and that way maybe she'd give me some answers. I messaged her again asking if she was mad at me, since she didn't reply to my other message and again my mom thought she was at work so couldn't call. I told my mom I would try to run to Anne's house tomorrow to see if she was home and try to ask her, before she says anything else.
It doesn't make sense at all. I can't think of anything I could have possibly done or any reason she'd do it if she wasn't completely furious at me. But the way my mom explained it, it definitely seemed she was out to get me and was extremely immature and sloppy, especially with how smart she is.
She left way to many holes in her story and with how random it was it just really looked bad for her, besides the fact that she knows I know a lot of stuff she does/has done and could tell my mom and if I really wanted to I could convince my mom to take my niece away. I really don't want to do that since I know how much they love and need each other, but I don't know what to say, because if I leave it or make her more mad she'll more than likely tell my mom more stuff, and all I can do is try to talk to her or threaten to tell my mom, but that would really piss her off and it would be an absolute last resort. And I also don't want to damage our relationship more than it already obviously is since now I can't trust her if she'll do this without talking to me first whenever she's mad at me.
I'd just tell my mom everything but if I do that she'd take Donna away and Donna needs me now more than ever with whats going on in her life, she comes first to me and I can't leave her, even if it means I have to lie or threaten Anna.
I really need advice or any comment that could help. Literally anything I don't know what to say or do to her. I hate the immature, dramatic situation she put me in and I know my actions partly caused it but I don't know how to deal with it without causing a ton more drama and/or making it worse.
I just can't lose Donna, I can't. She is the single most important person in my life, as I am to her. I just can't, especially not now...
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Frankly, my first opinion of Anna is that she is two faced and has her own agenda and not someone you can trust. I assume you are under 18 and that she is somewhere between your age and your mothers age. This puts her at an adult age for quite some time, enough to have grown up and become mature. However her behavior with you is what troubles me. She may have a subconscious 'need' to be liked, and so tries to be the 'nice guy' regardless if that breaks laws or is not good guidance from an older person. She wanted to befriend you, be liked by you and so she figured the best way to do that is by saying you can trust her, take her into your confidence to share things with her that you wouldnt with Mom because if you did, Mom would frown upon or you'd get in trouble. She tries to pretend to your Mom that she is an upstanding adult who can be trusted with Moms daughter so that she can erase any possible doubts that may later arise about whether she can be trusted to raise Mom's granddaughter, your niece.
What I am wondering is why the focus here is on Anna, Mom, you and your best friend who are all older than this young child who is very vulnerable, impressionable and needs a mature adult to raise her. The focus should be on what is best for the niece. I understand she seems to like being around Anna more for some reason. But are we going to leave the judgement of what is right and best for the child up to the child? This is like wanting to teach a child to stop screaming and throwing fits all the time and instead of behavioral correction, we slap a bandaid solution on the situation, not solving WHY the child has behavioral problems, just giving it what it wants or what seems to make it behave better. Its like handing a lollipop to a child acting out and screaming to get them to shut up and behave. What can happen is that in trying to enforce good behavior, something else detrimental is being taught to the child.
If Anna would stoop so low as to gain your confidence regarding something you by law are not allowed to do at your age, drinking and then sneak alcohol to you as a reward for giving her your confidence, that is not the kind of person I would want raising a child, any child, not just your niece. I suggest you clam up and not confide in Anna anymore if your mom still allows her to be there as part of the family which I consider to be a mistake. Your drinking under age and being impressionable is common for your age, however you've shown some wisdom in reaching out for advice. All humans have trouble with decision making and seeing ahead to possible problems down the road due to our choices sometimes,but its especially so for children and teens and young adults up until at least mid 20's or further before the frontal cortex of our brain responsible for handling such things is finally finished growing. Any time before then, you're likely to do things that aren't good for you and some decisions have had deadly results with teens. So seeking advice is a good thing. However, the situation involves more than just you. Anna is not a good influence on you. So how can she be a good one on your niece. Mom likely needs a break from her grand daughter who is having behavioral issues. It might be good for the family to see a counselor and determine what the source of the childs issues are. If its just with the child, maybe a doctor can work with her and train the family in how to handle her. Mom I suppose in the one with legal custody so this falls to her. However, if any family members are unknowing doing things they don't really are actually part of the reason the child is having issues, then it would be good to know so you can stop that behavior and start raising her differently. Handing off one's responsibility to Anna just because the child is happier around her is not the solution and doesnt address what is causing her to be this way to begin with. So end result of all this, I suggest you stop drinking and stop the chewing tobacco, it is a dirty habit and people are prone to getting tongue and mouth cancer from that, stop confiding in Anna, avoid Anna as much as possible, come clean with Mom and tell her everything that transpired and you may want to write this out first so its all in order time wise as to what happened. Admit your own guilts and apologize. Let her know Anna worked hard to gain your confidence, to get information on you to use against you if you didn't do as she wished. In case you came clean and stopped drinking and tobacco, she's have nothing to hold over your head to use to black mail you, that you can see this now but didnt realize at the time. And since your friend Donna is someone Mom didnt always approve of, Anna asked that maybe Donna would like to confide in her as well so she can have control over Donna as well. You liked and trusted Anna because she was a family friend but now you see that she is someone who can't be trusted and isn't deserving of your trust. You realize you've broken trust with Mom too and want to repair that and understand she won't have full trust in you for a while but you are willing to find any compromises she is willing to allow during the time it takes to regain your trust but ask that she would allow you to continue to see your friend Donna as a part of those compromises. If you can come up with something like this in your own words to talk to Mom about, she may still let you see Donna but under her own conditions, such as she may come see you at your house as long as Mom is home and maybe she'd require you keep your bedroom door open so she can glance in quickly to make sure you are not doing anything to re-break her trust. this part will take a very long time since once broken, it takes even longer to rebuild trust second time around, and thats the penalty we all have to pay if we do so. Its something you can't escape and a lesson worth learning now dear as it will help you much in your adult life later if you keep this in mind. I understand you may not like Moms rules she sets down, but as her under age child, you're still obligated to follow through on them. Learn from your experience. You could try to mention that although your niece likes Anna alot, your niece has obvious issues that perhaps a family or child psychologist or counselor could help with. That way the issues that are causing the child to seek out Anna over Mom or you, can be dealt with, and any techniques on how to handle her can be taught to the family so that there is no need any longer for you to foist her off on a very willing Anna, who isn't a very good role model or responsible adult in the first place.
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So, stop drinking and using tobacco. 100% stop. Even if Donna keeps on chewing, you have to stop, or you'll loose the trust your mother has placed in you.
Your mother actually has placed a lot of trust in you. She can already sense that Anna is being off and that this tattling behaviour is odd. You don't have to DO anything right now, except be perfect. If you are perfect, Anna looks crazier, and your mom realizes her trust in you was a good move, even if you had messed up in the past.
You don't need to lie or threaten Anna - that's a terrible idea, you have zero control over her - you just need to stop doing the things that will make your parents punish you further, and get rid of everything that you own that is related at all to those the chew or the drinks.
If you think your niece shouldn't be in Anna's care - if she is in danger or being abused or neglected - then you should speak to your mother about that. If it's not safe for the little one with Anna, you have a responsibility to speak up. The child's safety is more important than your freedom to see Donna.
But if the child and Anna are perfectly safe, then take a deep breath and let it go. Don't threaten Anna or your niece. That is never, ever an okay thing to do.
Every time you think about what to do next, remind yourself of this: Your niece's safety and happiness are more important than literally anything else. It's more important than you not getting punished, it's more important than Anna's feelings, it's more important than anything. If you do anything that make your niece's life harder or less safe, then that is the wrong thing to do.
Take a deep breath, and just stop breaking your mother's rules. Your mom is certain you've broken them in the past - and you have - but if you stop that entirely now, you may be able to repair and earn her trust. As for Anna, your best bet is to keep your distance. She isn't a friend. She's an adult who hurt you twice: Once by allowing you to do things she knew were against your parents rules, and then by betraying and lying to your parents about what she permitted and enabled you to do. If she is otherwise a competent mother, who is keeping her baby safe and healthy, then just let it go. Your anger with Anna is only going to lead you to make stupid, selfish mistakes.
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