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I love my step daughter and that is threatening to her mom.
I'm going to try and make this as short as possible without skipping important details. But, it is a looooong story.
My boyfriend 25 and me 23 have been together for almost 4 years now. When I met him, his daughter had just turned one. I've been there helping her grow up this whole time, I've worked my ass off constantly to help my boyfriend and his daughter, because I love them. Her mother has always been scornful and dramatic. (Which is something I don't think will change.) When we first started dating, she recently moved about 45 minutes away with her new boyfriend, in his house, had their daughter call him daddy etc. Fast forward to about 2 years ago, my mother was going through cancer treatment and we had the little one a lot. Mom started getting mad because she didn't know me well enough. (After 2 years) we have always managed to communicate the important things without fighting and being cordial. Well, somehow she had it in her head that I was trying to replace her. She took away his daughter and refused for us to see her unless I agreed to be her friend and go on some "girl dates" with her. I said no, and that I didn't want to get to know her. I was just at a hard spot and her being down my neck was making it hard. On this particular day she was angry, my mother had fainted and was in the ER. So things were pretty hard for me. I told her I didn't really want to get to know her, (which she still brings up whenever we fight) we were able to text and chat so I didn't think it was too bad. She said I acts uncordial and rude towards her all the time. My boyfriend talked to her though and she did let up. At this time she started dating my boyfriend's best friend. (Which was good for a while) over the next few months we would have the same fight which would end the same way. I agreed eventually to having a meeting and getting to know her. (She thought that in my mind she was an evil witch) our meeting went fine and she was happy. She got what she wanted. She drew me graphs showing our friends that intertwined and how I shouldn't let their perceptions of her effect how I see her. A few months later another melt down about not knowing me well enough. She NEEDS to be my buddy. But she also seemed to misread every text and message we exchanged, twisting them into some imaginary anger feueled hate that wasn't there.
She said I was demanding and rude. I had a friend message me screenshots and links from a page she was on. Bashing me, saying untrue things making me out to be some hateful woman trying to steal her child. There was even a big about why she is aloud to be crazy and that I need to tread lightly and not step on her toes.
At this time we had just moved into our new house and mom had been off in the virgin islands and then moved to the mountains to do ranger work. Which left us with the little one full time. When she returned she had the freak out and demanded that I no longer be involved in planning and be left out of communication.
My boyfriend set up a meeting with her and she had a melt down about how she feels intimidated and that she thinks we are getting back at her for when she moved with the new "daddy". She doesn't want me to replace her and thinks in stealing her daughter. I never wanted a child, and at this time I found out I was pregnant so emotions were high, I decided not to keep it, which was hard, and I'm still very depressed over it. She is now back together AGAIN with my boyfriend's best friend. She told us she wants to be able to come hang out with all of us and feels left out. They never came to a conclusion and the next day my boyfriend got a message she was running off with her daughter to the mountains for a week because I've made her life so hard since she has returned. And that she wants to completely cease contact with me until she clears her head. I message her and let her know i was hurt and felt cut out from my family. And that if she needed time that she could reach out when she feels ready. I then deleted and blocked her off Facebook because it was not helping the situation. She immediately called my boyfriend and blew up calling us immature.
We don't here from her for a while and since then she has made it a point to not talk to me relaying info to my boyfriend who then relays to me. Then the other day she shows up to get her daughter and acts all happy and cheery towards me and tries talking to me. (It was very fake and awkward)
She still hasn't spoken to me. But she has stressed to her man that she just wants to get along and be friends.
I want to talk to her but I'm not sure what to say because she takes everything wrong and overanalyzes everything. How do I tell her that I want to get a long but not be besties without hurting her how do I reason with this. Should I even try and reach out? I've tried many times in the past with mixed results. A I want is peace and the ability to be involved in my step daughter's nofe? I'm not sure how to approach or treat this situation. Please help and advice!
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I think you need to take a step back from this situation. Maybe ignore her unless it is related to the child care. If she asks why you are ignoring her you could tell her that you need some space from her because the two of you tend to rub each other the wrong way. Tell her it isn't personal and that you like her just fine, but that you think it's the healthy thing to do. If she keeps saying she wants you to know her, say something like "I know you are a nice person, and yes, time together would be nice, but I'm very busy lately.."
As far as wanting involvement in your step daughter's life, the best thing to do is make sure your boyfriend understands his rights as a parent. Does he have a lawyer? If not, he should get one in case this woman decides to take her daughter away.
Bottom line: approach this in a relaxed manner. Do not give her a speech, just minimize your contact with her without making it too obvious.
Toodles,
Miss Piggy
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When it comes down to legal things, in the end, Razhie is right, it is all about what is best for the child. I have a granddaughter thru my oldest child who was confirmed to have and under care of Dr. for depression at the birth of the child. But in the last year, she has kidnapped the child so dad doesnt get to see her where she was being raised with his new wife and half siblings because my child didnt have the time for daughter nor want her. She also has exhibited some of the behavior but in many ways worse than what you shared with situations she is imaginigining about ALL her relatives, parents, siblings, aunts uncles cousins and had cut off communication, moved, disconnected phones and closed all social sites on the net so we have no way to keep touch. All the father can do is go thru the legal channels to see what can be done for the sake of the child. We all fear the worst knowing she most likely had undiagnosed mental illness and confirmed a while back going off depression meds. It will take a detective to hunt her down and servie court papers when the time comes. This is all stuff to be handled in the same way for your boyfriend, thru the legal system, thats why there are laws. She frankly sounds like a nutcase, this mother whose emotions are all over the place and you dont have to be her best friend and as an adult she should be okay with it, as long as you both communicate civilly regarding any sharing of the child or anything related to the child, your involvement with her ends there. So don't feel guilty but instead encourage the boyfriend to seek his legal rights cus frankly, in your case, I would question whether being with bio mom most the time is the better choice. Who will be raising the child once of school age and needin the consistentcy of going to the same school and not moved all over the area. And which parent instead will have visiting rights maybe weekends and such. They may have joint custody but once the kid is school age, it would be better for them to do able to aggree where the child will be raised and who she goes to visit.
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Don't talk to her.
Here's the core of the problem: You are not her friend. You will never be her friend. She doesn't want to be your friend. She wants to hold you hostage and torture you. All of these problems arise because you are allowing her to define your relationship as friend or not-friend, based on whatever crazy fucked up mood she is in right now.
Take control. Define your relationship with her as not-friend, and leave it at that. You are not her friend. You don't have to hate her, but you are not friends. You would never be friends with someone who who insults and distrusts you all the time.
Your boyfriend needs to explore his rights. You have been in his life for years without incident. This women has absolutely zero legal standing to remove his access to the child. The child has a right to have a relationship with her father and the mother has no right - legally - to object to you. This whole kidnapping the child routine needs to stop. Your boyfriend needs to become comfortable using the courts to make it stop. It's likely literally criminal for her run off and deny him access.
The correct thing to be happening here is for her to co-parenting and talking to your boyfriend, and to leave you the fuck out of it.
Don't try to reach out. Live the truth: The truth is you want to be civil and peaceful, not friends. So be civil and peaceful, but don't be friends. Don't make yourself available as a friend. If she is civil - great. If she isn't - ignore it. If she freaks out and tries to interfere with your boyfriend being able to access his child, then get a lawyer involved.
You need to make this less about her crazy fucking feelings, and more about the child's right to have a father in her life consistently, and the fact she has no right to object to your presence. You've been living as though this crazy woman's feelings are the most important thing. They are not. The most important thing is the child's right to a relationship with her father, and the courts know it. If she can't figure that out, have a judge explain it to her.
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