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Forcing myself to vomit - uncontrollably
20 y/o female: soon to be junior in college
This all started about six months ago when my boyfriend of two and a half years and I broke up. I was devastated to say the least. He had been my rock since middle school, my best friend, and then my boyfriend. I trusted him more than I trusted myself but things had gotten toxic and neither one of us was happy anymore. That's not to say that I didn't miss him like crazy or the support system I had from him and his family being away at college. We had both grown up near the college town but my parents moved across the country when I started my freshman year. I relied on him so much. When things broke off, it was ugly for me. I couldn't eat. When I could eat, I would vomit it all back up. I wouldn't even want to vomit but the anxiety and stress would not let my body hold food, I couldn't control it. I never gagged myself. Immediately after I vomited I would feel this calm. The ever present knot in my stomach would lift for just a moment and I felt almost normal again. But I knew it wasn't normal. I was losing weight I didn't have to lose and my friends were noticing and getting increasingly concerned. So about two months after the break up I finally saw a doctor at my friends' requests. I didn't want to take medication but my doctor told me I absolutely needed to start keeping food down. I was started on something to ease the nausea and prozac to ease my anxiety and apparently, depression. I didn't feel depressed but I tried it anyway. After a month I felt incredible. I could eat, make it through classes without puking and was going out with my friends again.
However something is still tugging at me. I find myself wanting to vomit. Before it was involuntary. But now I want to do it. I guess I have started to gain my weight back and I'm not liking where its falling but I don't think that's why I'm doing it. I still never feel as calm or at peace as I do in that twenty minutes after I puke. It’s a feeling even the prozac cannot give me. I know the health risks associated with this behavior. They are real and severe but I cannot make myself stop. I'm scared to go to my doctor because while I like the prozac, I really don't want to be forced on to anymore medication and I really cannot afford any more visits. Can someone please help me?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I agree with Missundersmock, there isn't anything one of us could say that you could implement to help yourself over this, it takes the professional experience of a councilor or psychologist.
Yes there are psychiatrists too, but my preferance is a psychologist who can refer you on to a psychiatrist who is the only licensed to dispense medical prescriptions. I am always for finding non medical ways to discover why something is happening and then determining if there is anything that can be done that won't involve prescription meds.
I know you said you can't afford more Dr. visits but you need to check with your insurance if they cover seeing a psychologist, or even if thru work, some visits are covered by employer. If not covered by insurance or you don't have any ins. perhaps its time to get on Obamacare or change your insurance provider to one who will cover, if any do. Its worth looking into.
What I can say is that the body can get used to something that happens often until it becomes a habit which could be happening with you.
Then also, there's your subconscious mind to consider. You know how sometimes there can be an unknown program running in the background on your computer that takes up all its energy so everything else doesnt' work right? Well, sometimes the subconscious mind is like that to your conscious, logical, awake mind. It then interferes with the normal functioning in your life.
So this tug, desire to vomit means it needs to be discovered what hidden needs or faulty thoughts are the programs running in your subconscious that fuel this want to purge.
What I would like to suggest you consider is someone in counseling or psychology who not only understands the role of the subconscious in sometimes causing issues like this but how to determine why and then how to treat that. The easiest way to deal with the subconscious sometimes is hypnotherapy which some psychologist are licensed to do. I know a couple treatments can often solve issues where something has become a habit. A friend went to see one after she became jumpy and easily spooked by habit after a coworker consistently would try to unexpectedly scare her so she spilled or dropped things. After seeing a hypnotist, this reaction went away and she could no longer be spooked by her mean coworker.
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Ok first off let me just say im so sorry your going through this and it must feel worse then awful for you.
Secondly youve probably had the feeling to puke because you were doing it so often before that it because almost a habit in your brain so your mind is thinking about it even though it doesnt need to anymore.
thirdly, i think if things are this bad for you that you need to see a Councillor. You sound like your having a really tough time with all this and you thought you life was going to go one way and it ended up going another and sometimes that can really just break a person.
I really cannot give you anymore advice other then that because it sounds very serious.
maybe try to keep yourself busy with projects and fun things you used to like to do that dont require him. work on bettering yourself for YOU and no one else. build things, make stuff, sew, do arts n crafts and just try to spend time slowing down and doing things that keep your mind off him just for right now. Eventually the days will turn into weeks and the weeks into months and slowly you will start to heal. Not everything in this life is permanent and meant to stay the same and we cant keep it the same no matter how hard we try. the faster you heal and become YOU again the faster youll find someone else amazing that will stir new emotions in you that maybe you didnt know you had before.
as they say "this too shall pass"
good luck sweetie ; )
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