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Why Am I the Jerk For Not Liking My Granddad?
I want to apologize in advance for the length of this. I know it's not good to dislike a relative and I feel bad about it, but he's not a very good person. This might not make sense, but I love him, I just don't like him at all.
Here's the thing, he's not a good father and he treats my mother like dirt on the bottom of his shoe. Ever since my grandma died, my mom's had to take over taking care of him and I know it's hard. She has to cook, clean, wash dishes and clothes, run errands, go grocery shopping, and take him to the doctor among other things. He refuses to live with my parents and although I can't say I blame him, it means she basically has to keep two houses running. She sacrifices a LOT and doesn't get to go out or go on vacation like she wants to because of him. Yet he is extremely unappreciative and often complains and makes her feel bad about not pampering him enough or not doing it right.
I HATE to say this about him, but he's kind of a burden. He gets in the way of his family's lives sometimes. He's a real home body and has never liked going on vacation, even when he was younger. I can kind of understand that as I too am a bit of a home body, but when someone you love is counting on you to be somewhere, I CAN'T understand or agree with not being there for them. My Granddad, however just doesn't care at all. My mom had to DRAG him to my cousin's wedding because he was too selfish to be there for her, his own granddaughter. I don't even have grandchildren yet, but I know that when I do, you wouldn't be able to DRAG me AWAY from them on their wedding days. But it's just not something that's important to my granddad and this is just an example of his selfishness. He can, has, and does hurt and disappoint his family by refusing to go to important events. I didn't even bother trying to get him to agree to go to my wedding at the grand canyon because I knew he wouldn't do it.
As much as my mom sacrifices for him, he gets mad as hell anytime she does one small thing for herself. In January, my parents planned a weekend trip, but it wasn't even FOR them. My sister's birthday was on the 10th (a Saturday) and my brother in law planned a trip for them and invited me, his parents, and mine to go as well. I decided to stay home because I had things to do, but my parents went only for my sister.
That saturday night, my granddad was sick and was contemplating going to the emergency room. My mom called me and asked me to stay the night at his house in case he needed someone, so I did. Sunday morning he decided to go to the ER and I had to call an ambulance for him. When we got there, we were told he had a perforated bowel (hole in the intestines) and had to have emergency surgery to fix it. My parents hadn't even started their painful 12 hour drive home yet and didn't get here till after midnight (I called the ambulance at about 9:30). The first person to get to town was my uncle who was here at about 6:30. He sent me home to relax and when I got there, I felt like I hadn't slept in days. The stress of the situation combined with lack of sleep was exhausting. As bad as I felt, I couldn't imagine how my mom must have been feeling. She was under MORE stress as it was her dad and she was feeling very guilty for leaving him. Also, at least I got to go to bed that night. She went to the hospital and stayed with him all night long. While she was there, he woke up. He was on a ventilator, so he couldn't speak and pointed to a note pad that he wanted my mom to hand him. When she did, he angrily wrote, "You ran out on me, but Amy took good care of me!" My mom was already feeling guilty enough and it's not like anyone knew that was going to happen. She NEVER gets to go anywhere BECAUSE OF HIM and it was just a fluke that she happened to be out of town when that happened, but he basically just attacked her and treated her like dirt for leaving at all, ever, under any circumstances.
That was one of few things resembling a compliment that he's ever given me. I was borderline flattered and angered at the same time. His compliments come as often as sunshine during a rain storm and THAT compliment was wrapped in an insult. It came at the cost of my mom's feelings.
He never says I love you or anything like that. My sister has tried to get him to say it to her by saying it first, but he'd just say, "Okay" and leave. He'd rather hurt your feelings and look like a jerk than say it just once. We'd excuse it for him by saying that he just grew up in a generation when guys were taught not to say it, but our other granddad grew up in the same generation and I NEVER remember him having a problem saying it. Here's what I do remember about him though. I remember him pushing people out of the way to get to me and give me a hug, I remember him squeezing me so tight that I couldn't breathe, I remember him hugging my neck so tight it felt like he was going to break it, I remember him putting one hand each of my cheeks and kissing my forehead so hard he practically left a bruise. The closest thing to a hug that my other granddad ever gave me was when he puts his hand on my shoulder for balance.
He's also got all of these annoying ass habits that aren't reason to dislike him, but the fact that he's already not my favorite person makes them harder to put up with. I'm a bit of a germ freak and he's often sick. He coughs and sneezes without covering his face, he uses silverware he's been eating with to scoop food out of containers we ALL have to get our food out of, and after he eats, he spits little pieces of food out of his mouth and always spits them towards me. Once I made a second trip to a chicken restaurant to get some gravy they'd forgotten to give us. When I got back, he was the first person to use the gravy and he held it just a couple of inches from his face and coughed in it multiple times. I don't know if it was an accident, his way of getting the gravy all to himself, or just a big f--- you to me.
He's disgusting and likes to talk about his IBS, diarrhea, gas, and other such things during dinner. I had to take him to the doctor once when he had to bring the doc a stool sample. Being a germ freak, I didn't want to touch it, do my mom put it in multiple sacks to ensure I didn't have to touch anything the stool sample touched as well as to ensure that I didn't have to see it. It didn't work as he took the stool sample out of the sack my mom put it in to look at it.
Another annoying habit is that he's a racist and a homophobe. I'm sure a lot of old people are, but takes it to the extreme and is down right mean to gays and people of other races. He's kind of creepy and gives me anxiety by constantly staring at me and watching EVERYTHING I do. He is as hard of hearing as a person can be without being deaf and I'm always having to yell to him, which wouldn't be bad if there was nothing we could do about it. However, he has hearing aids that he refuses to wear or refuses to turn up high enough. Also, he makes all of these gross, annoying sounds while he eats which is a pet peeve of mine. I could go on, but I'll stop there.
I try to be patient with him because I'm afraid that if I'm not, karma will come back to bite me in the ass HARD when I have my own grandkids, but he drives me nuts and now I'm facing yet ANOTHER problem. My mom wants me to name my son after him.
My mom doesn't know how I feel about him and I can't tell her because it'd hurt her feelings. I want to name my fifth son Luke Philip, but my mom wants me to name him Luke Avery after grampa or grumpa as I recently started calling him (because he's grumpy). Philip is after a beloved friend of mine, practically a brother to me and my husband who was murdered a while back. Unlike grumpa, Philip was an AMAZING guy. He was sweet, sensitive, loving, generous and had a heart of gold as well as all of the qualities I'd LOVE my son to have. I'm not willing to use Avery or Philip as a first name and people have suggested I need him Luke Avery Philip or Luke Philip Avery, but I just don't want to use the name Avery. I don't know how to tell my mom that I want to name my sweet baby boy after one of the greatest people I've ever known of and not after a man I call grumpa who's ruining our lives. I've asked people what to do and they've called me disrespectful, rude, and acted like I was the ass hole for feeling this way about him. AM I the ass hole?
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No, you're not an asshole. You are perfectly sound in feeling that way. Lots of people have family members that they love but can not respect for the way they treat others or for some other such reason.
Whats done is done. Your grandmother married this guy and instead of wising up and leaving him when he treated her abusively, she stayed and they had kids. Your mother grew up in a home where Dad acted like a tyrant King and most likely had some kind of mental illness. What you explain sounds much like other people I've met who have mental illness that doesnt prevent them from operating in society but they sure mistreat others verbally, emotionally, belittling, being negative and they are not about to change after getting away with it for so long. He has learned to control your Mother with feeling guilty about all she does. He is just a very bitter, messed up person. He might be your grandfather BUT you are not obligated to fall under his control and take his stressful torture. We all have a choice to walk away from someone who is abusive to us, at least once we are adults. I did. I had an abusive husband. It is a choice. Your mother hasn't been strong enough emotionally to do so, growing up with him 24/7 has affected her ability to do so. But You are a generation removed and have not had him in your life as much as Mom did. If you don't like how he treats you, don't give him a helping hand, even to help your Mom. You'd be better off, having a talk with Mom about how the stress of it is not healthy for her. It will cut short her life in the end. Encourage her to go for counseling and to begin to care about herself for once. She needs to realize that even if she married and left home, she is still in his control and he's the puppet master pulling the strings but she doesnt have to be his puppet and jump to his every whim. All that needs to be done is tell him nicely how you'd like to be treated from now on and the moment he doesn't comply, you and/or Mom will walk out on him. The next day same thing, the moment he opens his mouth and says something negative, "That's it Dad/grandpa, I warned you. I am through taking your crap and now I will leave. You get only one more chance to learn to comply with my wishes and be respectful and treat me well or I'll never come back to help you out again!" Who calls if he yells and screams and curses you a blue streak. He is making a choice. He was given an option. It's like an unwritten agreement. When you get hired for a job posiiton, you promise to be a faithful employee and show up on time and be dependable. The employer must do their part too and give you adequate training, compliment and appreciate you, not take you for granted. If in a paying position, the helper or worker has such rights, it shouldn't be any different when its not a paying position but a relative helping a family member.
I used to be a care giver for elderly. My first assignment by my boss was to go help out a woman who couldn't keep an care giver because she was abusive like your grandfather. They had already sent her around 12 different workers and I was their last try. I didn't last the day. I left early because she was as bad as my ex. I sure as hell wasn't going to subject myself to that kind of abuse just for a paycheck. Since my work load was lots of part-time assignments to fill up the week, she was no big loss and I was stress free and felt better.
As for naming your baby, no one has a right to tell you how to name your baby. You are in danger here of breaking down your resolve to make your own decisions and let it be influenced by what others think and say. If you want approval from others when naming your baby, he'd have a hundred middle names just to please everyone. That's ridiculous. You were raised by Mom who has been affected by grandpa so some of how she was influenced has affected you whether you believe it or not. If I were you, I'd see a counselor for a while to get my head clear so you can spot when someone is trying to get you to do something they think you should do, or trying in any way to influence you. In the end, it's your life. You only have control to change and improve yours for the better. No one else has control over you, unless you give it to them. Good Luck dear.
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No you’re not a Jerk. There is an old saying that is appropriate for what you have written. "We get to choose our friends but not our relatives." Yes it is possible to love someone and not like them. This is especially true of parents and children. There will be times when you will not like you child or a child but it will not mean you do not love that child. As children get older and expand their horizons they do or say things that cause us to be unhappy with them, that do not change how much we love them.
The same is true for other relatives. There may have been a time probably when you were much younger when you not only loved your grandfather but you liked him as well. As you got older and saw him in a different, more adult manner what you saw you didn't like. That does not mean you lost your affection for him. Love and like have two very distinctive and different meanings.
As to the other things you write about some of them have to do with age and illness. Some people age gracefully. It appears your grandfather is not aging very well and is not well adding to the problem.
My best advice is to try and help your mother. You can explain to your grandfather you will have to repeat this to him that your mother cannot continue to care from him and take care of her house as well without a break. She needs time to rest she is only human. From time to time you will spend a night or weekend with him and care for him so your mom can have some time to herself or with your dad.
Here again the word "like" comes in. He doesn't have to like it and he may not want to accept it. He has no choice for that is the way it must be. There are other grandchildren and his other children, if they live nearby, should be asked to chip in their time to care for him as well. The burden to care for your granddad should not fall strictly on your mother or you. Her siblings and their children can certainly take a weekend out of their schedules to help and or take him to doctors’ appointments.
Have a conversation with your mother about this. It is wrong for her father to put this all on her especially if she has siblings that can chip in and help.
To answer your question again, you are not a bad person. You are concerned for your mom. It is very possible to love someone and not like them.
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