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Am I Selfish? How do I Handle a Situation Like This, that I Cannot Control
I am the type of person who likes being in control of things. When there’s something that I can’t control, it either devastates me to the point where I have to shut it out, or it emotionally drains me.
For example, my sister is in a relationship that I know is no good for her, and I have decided that because I am not strong enough to emotionally handle it, that as much as I love her I will shut her out until she decides to cut off all ties with him.
Her situation has devastated me enough. I would rather not focus on the possibility that because she’s wasted five years with him, she will never go back to school to study history like she wants, but will most likely end up living in a trailer park, constantly asking me and my future husband for money.
She’s almost thirty years old, and in the past has admitted that he is no good. I don’t even think that she’s in love with him anymore, but she’s settling with him because she has low self-confidence, has gained a ton of weight, and they have been together for almost five and a half years, so it’s difficult to get away from him. She knows that at almost thirty-six years old, he’s never going to get over his alcohol addiction, or hold down a job.
I’m not asking for advice with her, I know that my decision to cut her off is no good but she doesn’t need me anyway. I’m asking for advice with another crisis involving my long-term boyfriend of three years, who I will most likely marry.
Over the summer his grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. Which arguably is not fair, I get the idea that she is everyone’s rock just like my own now deceased grandmother was (for example, my boyfriend’s mom is a single mom who was a waitress for most of her life, and she helps her out significantly with finances), and she quit smoking thirty years ago. He texted me this week that she is on her death bed.
Unfortunately, I always understood that she was going to die.
She is over seventy years old, and it’s harder for older people to get over illnesses, especially when the man who she dated for 46 years but never married (I have my own theory as to why, she was still married to my boyfriend’s grandfather after 30 years into the relationship, which was an unhappy marriage, but she wouldn’t get away from because of her old-fashioned ideology and anti-divorce views. She, also, didn’t want to enter into another marriage at the time of her life when her husband finally passed when my boyfriend was nine) shockingly passed away from a heart attack right before her first chemotherapy treatment. I’ve heard of many older people dying after the loss of the love of their life, since many of them have been with them for years and cannot imagine a life without them.
I also saw her condition deteriorate over time. A year ago she was working as a waitress and was fairly independent. It got to the point where she laid in bed all day, and her daughters and my boyfriend had to do things that we take for granted, such as feed her, help her get dressed, even help her get out of the chair.
Although I knew that things were bad, I wanted for her to die after my boyfriend graduated college for two primary reasons. First, because he took a year off from college before his last semester, and was already worried about passing his accounting courses, and I didn’t want for her death to add to his stresses. Second, for a more selfish reason, he told me that his mother was going to move much farther away than they live now, so that she could be closer to his brother and he wanted to find a place either where he lives now or closer to me.
Now, logically, you cannot ask a person in hospice to keep on fighting until her grandson finishes college, because that would not be fair to her, and under certain circumstances might actually be impossible.
Since she is likely to die this month (in a few days), which is already a difficult month for me, because two weeks from now, the best person who I ever met in my life (my paternal grandmother) passed away, and it feels like I am losing her all over again. She died under similar circumstances, but she suffered for longer.
When I text his mother yesterday I feel like I was very out of line. First, I expressed my deepest condolences and asked how she thought my boyfriend was doing, rather or not she thinks that I should talk to him.
Then I said that February sucks, because this is when I lost my own grandmother, and that nothing good happens this time of year (I seriously believe that). I, also, said on a more positive side, not that I meant this to be about myself, but at least she will not be suffering for long like my own grandmother did.
That was actually meant to comfort her, and I do not know if that made things worse. I, also, said that I was so sorry for her loss, and told her that I know that her mother loved her family as much as my grandmother did, and told her what my paternal grandmother told my aunts, which helped them, not to cry but to celebrate her life, because I was certain that’s what her mother would want for her family.
My boyfriend’s mother did not tell me off, but I have no idea if anything I said was rude. I guess even trying to come up with the right words to say during a time like this is rough. Although, she actually said thank you, so maybe I was helpful =).
I meant to be heartfelt and comforting, even though I’m still mad at her after a dispute that we had last month, which I refuse to bring up with her now but I was told by my best friend that I should discuss with her at the right time, definitely not right now.
I, also, feel like a terrible girlfriend. Since I will most likely not be able to attend the funeral. The weather has been really bad here, and because the administrators at my school are clueless, I have had to miss class to prevent from getting stuck far away from home waiting for a bus. (Seriously, when your parking lot is an ice rink you’re supposed to close the school.) I doubt that my professors would understand why I need to take off from school to be at the funeral, because he is not my fiancé, or my husband.
How can I comfort my boyfriend during a time like this? I know that he doesn’t want to burden me, but I refuse to just stand there knowing how I felt when I lost my own grandmother.
He did actually admit to me that he was upset, I told him to just stay with her for as long as he possibly can, that way he can actually say goodbye. I regret not saying goodbye to my late paternal grandmother.
I did not say goodbye because my dad did not want to see her in that condition, and I was unable to get there on my own. He wanted to portray an image of her where she was happy and not suffering.
What can I say or do? How can I be there for him, without actually being there like I should be? As you can see, there’s a ton of things going through my head right now. I hate myself, because instead of focusing on his family’s pain, I’m focusing on the loss of my own grandmother.
Am I selfish? Are these feelings normal? I’ve met his grandmother, but never had the opportunity to bond with her. So, I’m focusing on the similarities that I experienced with the loss of my paternal grandmother, who also died of cancer, and who held my family together.
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That is a lot of stuff that is going through your head and it makes perfect sense that you would think about your own grandmother. I feel like you have lots of regrets and its understandable to feel this way. This is a lot of emotional distress that is put on you and may take some time to move past it. You have to be patient with yourself and not continue to over stress yourself because you seemed stressed out already. Communicate with your boyfriend and just tell him how deeply sorry you are for his complications and just send your love their way. You should know exactly how he feels and tell him that you will always be with him mentally and if he needs to talk to you, he can. He might just need reassurance that you wish you could do more, you can't be everywhere at once. You have to make sure your education is at the top and he has to understand where you're coming from and your own responsibilities. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this.
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You don't sound selfish. You seem to like to be supportive, understanding and comforting.
I only wonder what you really said to his mom because you say she's not passed yet, should soon, but the words you wrote talk in past tense as if she is already gone. That may just be an error in your typing the scenerio but if you did speak as if she was already gone, that could easily upset a person. Since she's an adult and she said thankyou, she is at least responding in a mature manner no matter how your words hit her.
Yes, it's hard to know what to say. The easiest in that case to do is "I heard the news. Just want you to know I am praying for you and the family." Thats it, no other explanation or words needed. You don't go into, 'I'm praying for a miraculous recovery', or I'm praying you'll see this quick going as a good thing. No one can escape going through grief. There is a right way and there is a wrong way. There are certain steps that alone, sound like something bad but are necessary as part of the process. If you want to be your supportive self, go looking around at bookstores for books on dealing with grief. I had a friend loan me a book ages ago when I lost my mom. Out of all the things said and done by others, this was the most practical one for me. It was a simple small book, easy to read when one is distracted by their pain. The name was "Good Grief". It was old then so likely out of print. But you can always check Amazon. Or see what the bookstores offer. Don't give it until grandma has passed on. This can be the most practical thing you can do for the family, being at the graveyard is a respectful supportive thing if it is even practical for you and no one will hold anything against you for not being there.
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