|
humorist-workshop
Am I being selfish or rude?
My fiancé and I have two young daughters (under the age of 3), we've been engaged for a long time (4 years) and have decided to start planning our wedding for next year. My future sister in law just got engaged and already has a wedding date picked. She sent me a text earlier and stated that she hopes her nieces can be flower girls in her wedding. Problem is, I wanted my daughters to have their first flower girl experience in my wedding. Is it rude to tell my future SIL that and decline (and possibly make family upset) or just hate the idea but agree to it anyways?!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Miscellaneous category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Etiquette?
You're not being selfish or rude. I understand your point of view.
Communication is always the best thing to do, I think you should have a calm discussion with your fiance and express how you feel about this. Tell him how you wanted to save the experience for your children of being flower girls for your wedding, because you're afraid that if it wasn't their first experience, that it might be not as special as it could be. But also show him that you would love to do that for his sister, because you know it would mean the world to her. You have to show him how much you care for his sister as well. He might agree with you or disagree with you. If he agrees with you, he will tell his sister himself that he wants his daughters to be flower girls for the first time in your wedding together, and if disagrees with you, he might convince you that it's okay for them to be that at his sister's wedding first, that it doesn't matter.
It is never rude or selfish, you always have to express your opinion, but in a nice calm manner, communication should be the most important thing between you and your fiance, to build the right grounds for your future marriage.
Let me know how it goes, and feel free to contact me if you'd like to talk about it more.
]
It is selfish, pretty much by definition. You are concerning yourself only with your own, personal, satisfaction, regardless of anyone else's feelings - including your own children's. You also haven't mentioned your fiance's feelings, which absolutely must be taken into account here.
People are generally considered to be entitled to be selfish when it comes to their own wedding, but yeah, you are likely going to upset family members. It's always hurtful to decline an invitation to be part of a wedding party.
Your children are quite young. The marriage of their parents will be a special, awesome thing, regardless of how many bridal parties they have been in before. Frankly, at their age I'd be thrilled to have a 'test run' prior to your own big day. It will likely help you avoid meltdowns on your wedding day, if they have a frame of reference for what is going on, and when their mom and dad will be busier and things will generally be more exciting and different for them.
You are already special to them. Will always be special to them. They will not - in all honesty - remember your wedding very well in their adulthood given their ages. Most of what they will remember will be reflected in photos and stories you tell them. So trying to control their memories of which one was 'first' at this point in their lives is a bit silly. No one can tell you what will stand out in a 5 years old's mind when they are 20. The goal of being the groom at their 'first' wedding is goal that is really about your feelings, not what they will think of as their 'first' wedding. A much healthier goal for yourself and your children would be making sure that your wedding day is enjoyable for them and stress-free for the whole family. Allowing them to participate in a wedding prior to that might actually be a big help, not to mention an honour offered to them by a loving aunt whose feelings will almost certainly be hurt by your rejection.
So talk to your fiance - but my advice to is to allow them to do it and NOT to sit back and hate it and resent your SIL. Your children are likely to pick up on that and assume your anger is about them (because children are magically able to make any unhappiness between adults their own fault.) So check this selfish impulse, celebrate with genuine happiness and use this first wedding as a good learning experience for your girls so they feel like pros by the time your own comes around.
]
More Questions: |